While the information and tools presented here are specifically designed for both current and former partners of sex addicts, the concepts and step-by-step instructions of the 5-SBS can be applied to relationships with addicts of all kinds, with difficult people in general, and in any relationship with boundary challenges. The fundamentals of boundary work are universal, applicable, and effective in all relationships.
Some readers—especially those with experience in psychotherapy or twelve-step programs—may find they already have a good grasp of one or more of the steps in the 5-SBS. If that is the case for you, congratulations! While some of the concepts may be familiar, I still recommend that you review each step before you proceed to the next one, even if you feel you have a good grasp of the concept already. In my experience, most people struggle with at least two of the steps as they navigate through their boundary work.
Partners, in spite of everything you’ve been through, you can survive and thrive after sexual betrayal. It’s not an easy road, and it’s not a short journey. But with knowledge, self-care, and boundaries, it is possible to move beyond the despair and pain of discovery to find clarity and serenity.
Let’s get started.
“Even though the future seems far away, it is actually beginning right now.”
—Mattie Stepanek
If you’ve taken the courageous step of picking up this book, you’re probably in a relationship with a sex addict, you know someone who is, or you’re the former partner of an addict. Perhaps you’re a sex addict yourself.
If you’re an addict and you’ve picked up this book because you’re skeptical or worried about what I might recommend to your partner, I ask that you trust the process—just like you’re asking her to trust the process of your own healing and recovery. Although you may not like everything you read here, this book will help your partner take care of herself. Practicing good self-care will help her feel better, and when she feels better your relationship will improve—provided you’re engaged in your own healing and recovery work.
If both of you want to stay together and you’re both willing to put the time and energy into your work—individually and as a couple—there is a very high likelihood you will make it. Having worked with many couples who have experienced sexual betrayal over the years, I have never seen one I thought couldn’t salvage their relationship if they both did the necessary work.
As a partner of a sex addict, you may not know where to begin and you may be confused about what to do. The 5-SBS will help you navigate through the painful first year after discovery or disclosure of your partner’s sex addiction, and beyond. You will learn what a sound sexual recovery plan looks like and know your rights as a partner. You will also learn the fundamentals of good boundary work that I refer to as the ultimate self-care practice. When facing a condition as serious as sex addiction, the practice of self-care through good boundary work can change the course of your life and your relationships.
THE TRANSFORMATIONAL POWER OF BOUNDARIES
When I say that practicing self-care through good boundaries can change your life and your relationships, I speak from personal experience. Boundary work saved my marriage of twenty-nine years. More than a decade ago, after many years of individual therapy and intermittent couples work, I reached the end of the proverbial rope in my marriage. At the suggestion of the therapist I was seeing at the time, I decided I needed a thirty-day therapeutic separation11 from my husband. I realized I couldn’t keep doing the same things and expecting different results. Separation seemed like the next logical step. I didn’t want a divorce, but I couldn’t live any longer in the marriage as it was.
Therapeutic separation is a planned period of time for the couple to focus on individual work, learn new skills, reevaluate the relationship, and potentially recommit with healthier boundaries and agreements.
The day I decided to tell my husband I wanted a separation happened to be a Friday. Little did I know that my resolve would be immediately tested. When you express a limit (also known as a boundary) to someone, it must come from a place of clarity and commitment. If emotions are running high, you’ll be tempted to make threats and issue ultimatums. The problem is that ultimatums and threats are almost always hollow because they’re not grounded on a firm foundation. When requests and boundaries are based on a foundation of clarity and personal authentic power (more on that in Chapter Six), you will be unshakable. You will feel calm in the midst of the storm.
When I told my husband I wanted a thirty-day separation I was unshakable. He attempted to buy time and perhaps convince me to change my mind. He told me he was fine with leaving but he wanted to wait until Sunday. Without skipping a beat, I told him he could stay in our home until Sunday, but that I would be leaving that day with our son to stay in a hotel until he left. Had I not been clear and resolved I might have gone along with his request or gotten into a power struggle with him about who was going to leave.
Countless times I’ve heard partners ask questions like, “Why should I have to ________ (leave the family home, take a timeout, get tested for sexually transmitted infections)?” Although the frustration is understandable—after all, you didn’t cause the breach in trust—the truth is that you’re the only person you have control over. When you lose focus on your goal and engage in power struggles, you’re stuck in the victim role, and caught up in attempting to use control versus doing good boundary work.
As you will learn, one of the ways you’ll know when a boundary you’ve set is right for you is when you feel a calm, grounded resolve even in the face of pushback, resistance, or outright hostility. You will know by how you feel that it’s right. And that’s exactly how I felt in that moment.
That fateful day was a turning point in our marriage. It wasn’t the end of conflict or disappointment—those are part of being in any relationship. But it marked a fundamental shift in me and in the relationship that has lasted to this day. Of course, it also required a commitment from him to his own personal growth, and to our marriage.
The effective use of boundaries is one of the best ways to determine whether or not your relationship is salvageable.
In my case it was. However, if my husband had made different choices I would have gotten the information I needed to decide whether or not I wanted to remain in the marriage. One of the gifts of good boundary work is that it enables you to see your own limits and the limits of others. You learn how far you’re willing to go with others and how far they’re willing to go with you. When you’re clear about these two things, you avoid wasting time in relationships that aren’t healthy or fulfilling.
My request for a thirty-day separation wasn’t about threats, manipulation, punishment, ultimatums, or the many other ineffective ways we attempt to get what we want and need in relationships. My request was about reaching a limit and knowing what I needed to do to take care of me.
Limits are boundaries, and boundaries are self-care.