And if you are reading this and you are in your twenties or thirties or forties, let me play le rôle de votre mère (the role of your mother) for a moment. I have been where you are—there is not enough money or time. The job is not rewarding or stimulating enough. The baby has a cold and is always sniffling. You’re worried about your parents getting older. The house is a mess. Your husband seems to be preoccupied with work or your boyfriend broke up with you and now you are alone with this feeling you must begin all over again.
Here’s the truth of life—you are always beginning all over again. Every day brings something new. Embrace it. One day you will look back at your life and realize you were a part of something grand! Something important. You are part of this moment in history.
As une femme d’un certain âge, I often hear people talk about the 1960s and the political unrest and turmoil, the hard-won sexual freedom. I stop and think—Wow, I lived through all that. I remember that. But honestly, at the time, I was often distracted by whether I was going to get my biology homework done in time or not. I seldom looked up from my own personal concerns to see the bigger picture and to find the balance of myself as an individual in the context of the larger world.
In the 1980s, when Mrs. Estée Lauder was still around, I worked in the international division and wrote fashion copy for the famous cosmetic company. I wrote about the prêt-a-porter for the spring and fall color stories. Oh, and I was around for the naming of the famous fragrance Beautiful. Now, that was a dramatic time!
I loved my job, but at the time I didn’t think of it as more than a job. I spent most of my time wishing I could write for Hollywood! But at Estée Lauder, there were so many stories and once-in-a-lifetime experiences right there in front of me, I was completely nearsighted. Nowadays, people often tell me how glamorous it sounds and I have to take a step back and think—Yes, the truth is, in hindsight, the whole damn thing—this life, in fact—is glamorous!
So, appreciate what you have in this moment in your life and be present to the unfolding story right before you.
Your Unique Signature
When I first met Micheline Tanguy in Paris, she looked at me, eyes full of passion, and told me, “You want to know the secret of Frenchwomen and why she has confidence? Ooh la la? ” And then she paused for effect and told me: “You are Woman. Just be!”
Sounds a bit like a Zen koan, doesn’t it? But it’s true. The world is a tumultuous, ever-changing place. But you must find a way to be still, to quiet the mind, whether it’s through meditation or long walks or yoga or your Secret Garden (that real or metaphorical place that brings you peace and replenishment). As you age and as the world rumbles and roars into wild new directions, you must hold on to the things that make you you. And here, I’d like to suggest something radical to you, or perhaps just a little odd, but I suggest you practice your handwriting. Your handwriting, especially your signature, is something that is so personal and so revealing about who you are in this world. However, it’s easy to get sloppy and forget all about those early days when we first learned to sign our names or write a love letter or how we carefully added our signatures to the very first check we wrote. I suggest that you practice the lost art of writing real letters and that you take your time to write neatly and to sign your name with a bit of panache, not because it’s nice to do (though it is nice to do and in this age of e-mailing, it’s also very impressive), but because this act of holding pen to paper and transferring the thoughts from your heart to your hand and down to your fingers and on to the page is a lesson in Zen. And it’s a lesson in reconnecting to that little girl who first learned to write her name, and yes, to your truest, core self.
Plus, to write neatly and carefully is simply to be polite.
This act of focusing your attention on the little things that make you unique also applies to your voice. When you were a child, you discovered that a certain tone or pitch or volume would achieve certain results. But as we age, we take this very powerful and very individual part of our personality for granted and just as we might let our handwriting get a bit compromised, so, too, we can let our speaking voices deteriorate. Your voice is an instrument. It is powerful, seductive, intriguing, and completely unique. Why not bring some awareness to your voice. It’s just as much a “signature” to your individuality as a real signature.
Find Your Balance
This will help you to visualize your truest self. Once you do this, you can let go of the things that do not belong in your life—both literally (clear out those closets and give away the things you no longer treasure) and figuratively (do you really need to still play the ingenue?). Once you let go, you open up space for new things, true things. For me, it was rediscovering my grandmother and reconnecting with the long-held but hidden dream of visiting France and finally mastering the language and understanding my roots. Let go of all your assumptions. Quiet your mind. Now, ask yourself, who are you truly? Who are you meant to be?
It’s Never Too Late
I grew up in an era where there were no women of color on the covers of our fashion magazines. It was as if the whole world was white and African American or Latina women just didn’t exist. I will never forget the day in 1974 when I picked up a copy of Vogue magazine. Right there, on the cover, was Beverly Johnson! A black woman! This was a first. I was in college by this time. It was an era filled with so many changes. There was the civil rights movement, and protests against the Vietnam War, the sexual revolution, and the women’s movement—but to be honest, the day Beverly Johnson appeared on the cover of Vogue felt so important to me. I looked into her eyes and felt as if she was speaking directly to me, proclaiming the magical mutuality of what we think of as beauty. Her face announced to the world that it was time to shed our assumptions. And on a personal level, even though I was just a white girl from the suburbs, I felt as if she was saying to me, “And oh yeah, you’re beautiful, too.”
And now, we have Naomi Campbell and Tyra Banks and many, many other gorgeous and inspirational women. We do not question whether they are beautiful or not. We simply know.
This is how change happens. It takes someone to be brave, a little muscle, definitely a sense of imagination and then . . . poof! The world has changed and it feels as if it happened overnight. This one shift creates a magical ripple effect. And soon we forget the past and we can hardly remember the past, when things were not always so fair. We forget how narrow-minded we were. And we all say—well, yes, of course. Women—in all their many incarnations—are beautiful.
So, do something brave today. Go out in your town and be that beautiful older woman. Yes, be the message. And who knows, perhaps one day we will see une femme d’un certain âge on the cover of American Vogue!
French Lessons
RECONSIDER WHAT you wanted to do when you were in your twenties. Is there something you “put on the shelf” due to the demands of work and family? Could you possibly now revive and realize some of those old dreams in whole or in part?
Go through your belongings and give things away to younger friends. Share the wealth and leave room in your life for something new.
Once you’ve cleared out the clutter in your life, look around at what is left, what you could not possibly live without. Within this, you’ll find your trademark, your signature. Perhaps it’s a brooch that once belonged to your grandmother. Take it out of the jewelry box and wear it daily. Is it your collection of elegant beaded evening bags? Don’t wait for that very special occasion, but rather bring them out into the daylight. Do you adore bright red lipstick? Even though red lipstick may be out of vogue and you’ve been told to retire it past a certain age, go ahead and indulge. In all this effort to be French and elegant, don’t forget something the fabulous fashion doyenne Diana Vreeland once said: “Never fear vulgar, just boring. We all need a splash of bad taste; no taste is what I am against.”
Your signature is literal and figurative. Take good care of both. I recommend that you take care of your handwriting. Frenchwomen always have beautiful handwriting. Take a lesson from the French and take your time when writing a check or a note. You’ll find that this little adjustment