Her apartment? It’s filled with fresh flowers and original art. Not necessarily expensive art—but beautiful and occasionally quirky pieces created by family and friends or from a favorite artist that she’s been collecting for years.
That’s really the key to the femme d’un certain âge. History and experience. She’s not afraid to show you that she’s lived. Really lived. She’s traveled. She’s known many, many people. She’s lived a full life and continues to do so. She doesn’t dress like she’s twenty, because well, why would she want to? Why would she want to dress or act as if she does not possess all that knowledge and experience the world has given her? She’s proud of the fact that she has lived—truly lived—that she’s seen so much and that her life continues to unfold before her in a most interesting way. And more than this—she’s lived long enough to know how to handle life’s little and not-so-little upsets. These days, there’s not much that unravels her. She knows who she is. She knows her powers, her gifts, her limitations, and her weaknesses. She knows how to take in stride life’s little disappointments, as well as the bigger demands of being a grown-up in this world.
And you know what? All this makes our femme d’un certain âge very, very sexy. What she gives up in terms of a youthful, dewy-eyed innocence, she gains in elegance, style, sophistication, and wisdom.
I talked with one gorgeous femme d’un certain âge who lives in Paris. Her name is Micheline Tanguy and she owns her own company as a personal and professional image consultant. She’s an expert in style, body image, and how to communicate confidence. When I asked her to tell me what is the Frenchwoman’s secret to beauty and elegance, she said it’s not simply one thing. Rather, it’s a totality of things, such as how she stands up, how she walks, the way she holds her handbag. She told me:
It means being attractive for yourself. We do our best to reach this aim in our daily life. I must confess, it’s not only about appearance. It’s also about self-esteem, self-confidence, respect, and love for ourselves. It’s about knowing what we want . . . and self-respect.
Yes, self-respect.
Go, Cougars!
The truth is, no matter where you live—even in France—it’s not easy getting older, but this is especially true for women in America. All around us, we are bombarded with daily images of beautiful young women—or should I say girls. These young, long-legged, smooth-skinned creatures grace the pages of our fashion magazines, star in our movies, and even have their own reality television shows—as if we really care whether Pretty Wild Girls are going to get arrested this weekend. True, occasionally, you will see a Helen Mirren or a Meryl Streep or a Susan Sarandon at the Oscars and everyone will ooh and aahh, pronouncing how fabulous they are and how gorgeous they look . . . for their age! But these beautiful women are the exception and not the rule. And so, if you are a woman of a certain age, it’s easy to grow discouraged and begin to believe that unless you have been anointed as “the beautiful older woman of the year”—the singular example that we are not an ageist society—it’s easy to just give up.
On the other hand, we now have “cougars.” Yes, predatory older women who wear a lot of leopard print and supposedly go after younger men. You will seldom find an older woman who describes herself as a cougar unless she’s making a little joke. Rather, it’s the young men who are looking for hot, older women who have come up with this term. (Although, we should note that a recent French survey found that fully 90 percent of women over fifty in France say they are sexually active.)
You see the problem here: We are being defined by someone else—the media, or men on the prowl, or someone who wants to sell you something. Wrinkle cream, perhaps? Or maybe we’re being sold something a little more nefarious. Perhaps we’re being sold the idea that it’s okay to be an older woman, as long as your main interest is still finding and pleasing a man.
With all these messages coming at us every day, it’s difficult to really see ourselves, as we really are right now. No, you may not be young, but you’re not finished yet, either. In fact, I would like to propose that you are actually just beginning.
This is because, as we grow older, our true selves emerge. But more than this, what we might lose in youth, we gain in confidence. Not the false bravado of a wild twenty-something, but the true power of a woman who has lived and learned. That’s the power of Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep, Susan Sarandon, and our famous French femmes—Juliette Binoche, Catherine Deneuve, and Isabelle Adjani.
How to Save Your Life
Last fall in the town of Valence d’Agen, I followed a gorgeous older woman walking around the farmers’ marketplace. She was wearing high heels and carrying a wicker basket for her purchases. No, she wasn’t a “cougar.” She certainly was not trying to act younger than she really was. In fact, rather than denying her age, she seemed to be reveling in the benefits of being une femme d’un certain âge. This particular woman was wearing a pair of interesting eyeglasses and some artful jewelry. Oh, and of course, she was wearing a scarf. It was very colorful and loosely draped around her shoulders. I loved watching her walk from market stall to market stall. I stood for a moment to witness how she picked up one perfectly ripe red tomato, held it for a moment in the palm of her hand as if weighing it, and then brought it up to her nose and inhaled deeply. After this, she chatted with the farmer for several minutes, laughed over some shared story, and then, with the help of this farmer and friend, made her selections. She clearly had been going to this marketplace for years and had established a wonderful rapport with the shopkeepers. She was sexy and intriguing—not so much because of her good looks, but because of her savoir faire, her confidence and self-assurance.
That’s really the key. Once you get to a certain point in your life, a lot of the old insecurities fade away. And if you had children along the way, they are now grown. A whole new life opens before you and new possibilities present themselves to you. Some dreams that you deferred now resurface. There’s actually a term for this in astrology (I learned this from the wonderful astrologist Susan Miller). It’s called your “Saturn return,” which means that the lessons and challenges and decisions you made during your late twenties revisit you in your forties up to about age fifty-nine. At this stage, you have another opportunity to reconsider the past and change the course of your life. If there are leftover dreams from those early years, you can now embrace them again and bring them to fruition. It’s actually a very magical and powerful time in any person’s life. So, rather than thinking of this phase as a “midlife crisis,” consider that this is actually another chance to grab the brass ring. True, you may not be as agile or quick as you were in your twenties, but now you have all that wisdom and power and experience. Oh, and by now you know how to admit you don’t know how to do something and you’re not too proud to ask for help. And most importantly, you’ve learned not to pay attention to the naysayers and you’ve let go of the debilitating desire for perfection.
This was the case for my good friend Marjorie, a sound artist and university professor. She’s been living in the north of France for the last twenty years. She was born in Michigan, moved to New York City after attending the University of Michigan, and spent nearly twenty years in New York, first as an actress, then a writer, and she wrote and produced a Peabody Award-winning radio documentary drama, establishing a lifetime career in public radio. She is one talented and accomplished femme d’un certain âge, but with all that said, she’s now taken up singing American jazz classics with an ensemble.
She tells me that the French love American jazz and are very accepting of less than completely polished voices. In fact, Marjorie tells me that they actually prefer personality over perfection. It’s the passion and authenticity that stirs them!
Marjorie recently told me this:
When I was young I desperately wanted to be an actress and I also loved to sing and dance. I was totally obsessed with this idea from the age of twelve, when my mother sent me to drama class to give me confidence,