Change the Questions
The second solution comes from a philosophy embedded in the teachings and practices of an organization called Creating the Future (2018). Hildy Gottlieb, cofounder of this organization, lives by the credo that, if we change the questions, we can change the world.
Have you ever really thought about the questions you ask? When our tough students act out or demonstrate behavior that we know may escalate, we tend to ask demanding questions such as, “Why did you do that?” or “What were you thinking?” These questions can put kids, and colleagues or employees for that matter, on the defensive. They naturally assume the question comes with a predetermined judgement or assessment of the situation and that, regardless of their answer, it will likely result in a negative consequence. Instead of getting answers, by asking these questions, we aggravate the situation inadvertently. To avoid doing so, we can replace the questions that we ask the student, colleague, or employee with a simple request: “Can you tell me more. . . ?” We can follow that up with “. . . about the situation,” “. . . about how you’re feeling right now,” “. . . about what upset you?” or any other open-ended question appropriate to the situation. The tell me more request lets the person with whom we are talking know that we are willing to listen and that we want to understand what happened from his or her perspective. This is an ideal way to meet people exactly where they are in the moment, without jumping to conclusions or heightening any anxiety they may already have. When children or adults feel heard or encouraged, which this type of question allows, they are more open to connection and less likely to repeat the same negative behavior in the future. This does wonders for classroom management, but it can also have a lasting effect on a student’s life as an adult.
You Were the First People to Tell Me I Could Be Somebody
Case in point, last year I received a letter from a former student who had struggled throughout middle and high school. In fact, she even dropped out for several months prior to enrolling in our school. She wrote to our staff after receiving her acceptance letter to a four-year university. Her letter is a testimony to the power of connection, support, and encouragement in the school system (see Figure 1.1).
Figure 1.1
What Kat didn’t say in her letter is that we taught her using our most engaging instructional strategies. We created academic and behavioral interventions—this was before they had official names as multi-tiered systems of support. We pushed her to achieve academically and helped her develop her decision-making skills. But, more important, what we did that made a sustainable difference in Kat’s life was to take the time to see past her addiction and behind her truancy and her intermittent apathy, in order to believe in her potential. Sometimes, as educators, we forget the importance of this mentality as a crucial element of preparing our students to be college and career ready.
When I was a principal, I was blessed to work with a multitude of talented teachers. One such teacher, Ashlee Nicoll, was a master of the “meeting students where they are” mentality in order to help them see their potential. Mrs. Nicoll’s reflection below is evidence of the positive difference this mentality can make in the life of a child:
Defeated, angry, deflated. These are the words that described Charlie the first time I met him. It was the summer of 2016 and Charlie was ready to drop out of high school and throw his life away. “I’ll get some job and just work every day until I die.” His outlook on what his life would be was dismal. He didn’t believe success and accomplishment were things he could achieve in life; he didn’t believe he deserved to have good things happen to him because his life up until this point had been a journey of pain, loss, and disappointment. Charlie had always struggled in school and had yet to feel any level of success when it came to school or life. The moment I met Charlie, I knew he had the potential to be something amazing, but I also knew he had no idea he had this potential inside of him. This is where our journey began. I had to get Charlie to see himself the way I saw him, but to do this he had to trust me. I had to gain his trust, so that he could start to see himself through a different lens. He had to believe that he deserved success. To say he didn’t trust me in the beginning would be a vast understatement. He was guarded and detached. He tested me with every opportunity he was given. Charlie had very few adults in his life that actually followed through on promises and let their actions speak rather than just words. I told Charlie I would never give up on him and I meant that to my very core. Throughout the years together, Charlie began to see that I meant what I said and I did what I promised. On some days, he would confide in me and give me insights into his life and mindset; he began to see that his past did not define him and that I could accept him for who he was without judgment or ridicule. On other days, he would push me away, shut me down, and close me out, yet my expectations for him never changed and he began to thrive on that consistency of high expectations and unconditional love. Every day was a new day, so no matter how we ended our day together yesterday, I welcomed him with a smile and appreciation. Slowly, Charlie began to experience small amounts of success; finishing an essay, creating a resume. Then the success became bigger; earning credits, having employers calling him to offer him jobs and, ultimately, Charlie graduated from high school in the spring of 2018. Charlie achieved something that two years prior was unattainable, a pipe dream. Today is a new day, and today Charlie can be described as confident, capable, changed.
Many Administrators and Teachers Do Not Look Like Our Students
Kat and Charlie were students living lives outside of school unlike my own, or that of my staff. This, in and of itself, is another challenge facing the educational system today, making it more difficult to create connections or better understand the human beings with whom we work. An undeniable fact in our nation is that many administrators and teachers do not look like their students. We often don’t come from the same lifestyles or experience the same hardships; we cannot claim the same familial experiences or customs. As a result, we may lack cultural or linguistic competence or can have implicit biases—beliefs or attitudes against a person or group of people of which we are completely unaware. In this instance, first and foremost, we must acknowledge this reality. Michelle Alexander (2012), author of The New Jim Crow, notes that, “Decades of cognitive bias research demonstrates that both unconscious and conscious biases lead to discriminatory actions, even when an individual does not want to discriminate” (p. 106). Sometimes this acknowledgment can be as simple as admitting to our students that we may not understand their perspectives or experiences and therefore would appreciate their guidance.
Having this type of awareness schoolwide is imperative as implementation of social, emotional, and academic development (SEAD) philosophies and programs proceed, because such efforts will be ineffective if the potential for bias and discrimination is ignored. In fact, Gregory and Fergus (2017) suggest that “the prevailing understanding of SEL [social and emotional learning] is ‘colorblind’ and doesn’t take power, privilege, and culture into account” (p. 118).
Knowledge and Awareness Are Powerful Allies
We may be hesitant to admit that we, as human beings who have chosen a caring profession, might be inherently prejudiced or discriminatory, but we must take time to consider this possibility. I reflect on the wisdom that can be found in the cliché “You don’t know what you don’t know.” Probably