This book is full of skewed takes on Gospel readings (and a few from other parts of the Bible), but hopefully these will help you see the disciples — and, really, anyone who sets out to live their life for God — in a new light.
We have a concept of the disciples as men who were laser-focused on Christ and his mission on earth — and to an extent, they were. But if you look closely, the Scriptures actually tell us that they could often be a bunch of clueless knuckleheads.
The disciples were a bit like teenage boys: they were sometimes overly concerned with food and who would get to go first. They would try to take things too far (“shall we call down fire from heaven, Lord?” [see Lk 9:54]). They couldn’t stay awake during prayer time. And apparently one of them wasn’t wearing any underwear (just look up Mk 14:51-52).
This book doesn’t seek to denigrate the fathers of our Church. Instead, it seeks to make them more accessible, more approachable. They were human. They had many of the same problems as the rest of us, but they were blessed to walk alongside Our Lord for three years during his ministry in Galilee. Somehow, that proximity didn’t necessarily make them smarter. But their frequent bouts of cluelessness are a great reminder for us not to take ourselves too seriously. Jesus knows we just don’t get it … most of the time.
For the most part, this book stays in the Gospels. Two of the traditionally recognized authors of the Gospels were actually disciples: Matthew and John. (Church historians have disagreed sharply over who was funnier.) Seriously, most of the passages I used for this book are from these two guys who were actually there with Jesus. These were the authors who heard the real words spoken, who saw the expressions on the faces, and who nervously argued among themselves about who was supposed to have brought snacks for the boat ride (see Mt 16:6).
At times we will peek outside the Gospels and explore the deep truths that lie in the Old Testament. But mostly we’ll look at these passages because there’s some funny junk in there too! I mean, if we’re honest, we can admit that dudes have been clueless knuckleheads for a long time (see: that whole fall of man thing in Genesis). That didn’t start with the disciples. Occasionally, we’ll also look at stories in the New Testament that fall in line with the general vibe of this book.
We’ll look at the odd turn of phrase in the Scriptures that make us scratch our heads. At times this book seeks to poke gentle fun at the foibles of humanity that never seem to change. At other times it tries to offer some insight into how we can better understand our place in the kingdom of God despite those shortcomings. I wouldn’t say this book is irreverent, but it’s not quite reverent either. If you can’t handle jokes about Jesus being cranky when he gets hungry, you may want to turn back now.
There’s no clear rhyme or reason to the layout of the stories herein (except that my editor said we couldn’t start with a story about children getting eaten by a bear … thanks, Mary Beth, #stickinthemud). You can read it from cover to cover or you can jump around. Just a bit of warning: if you put this book in a particular place where one often sits down to “take care of business,” people will wonder why there’s so much giggling coming from in there.
It might be helpful to know that I did impose a little structure in order to keep myself from rambling too much. You’ll notice that nearly each section is broken up into “The Setup,” “What Went Down,” and “The Takeaway.” In “The Setup,” I try to place the story in the overall context of the Scriptures and sum up as briefly as possible what happens from a “just the facts, ma’am” point of view. In “What Went Down,” I pick apart the incident for funny stuff. “The Takeaway” is where I actually try to bring some food for thought to bear and justify a respected Catholic publisher printing my book.
So get a snack, try not to doze off, and make sure you’re wearing a sturdy pair of underpants! My sincere prayer is that this little work helps you laugh and think about Our Lord … (and maybe it will help send my children to college too).
Be Like Jesus, Do What Your Mom Tells You
John 2:1–11
On the third day there was a marriage at Cana in Galilee, and the mother of Jesus was there; Jesus also was invited to the marriage, with his disciples. When the wine failed, the mother of Jesus said to him, “They have no wine.” And Jesus said to her, “O woman, what have you to do with me? My hour has not yet come.” His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.” Now six stone jars were standing there, for the Jewish rites of purification, each holding twenty or thirty gallons. Jesus said to them, “Fill the jars with water.” And they filled them up to the brim. He said to them, “Now draw some out, and take it to the steward of the feast.” So they took it. When the steward of the feast tasted the water now become wine, and did not know where it came from (though the servants who had drawn the water knew), the steward of the feast called the bridegroom and said to him, “Every man serves the good wine first; and when men have drunk freely, then the poor wine; but you have kept the good wine until now.” This, the first of his signs, Jesus did at Cana in Galilee, and manifested his glory; and his disciples believed in him.
The Setup
Jesus hasn’t yet cranked up his ministry publicly. John the Baptist told everybody about him, and he started gathering disciples, but he hasn’t performed any miracles yet. Jesus, his mom, and the disciples end up at a wedding feast, which runs short on libations. Mary learns about the situation with the wine and goads Jesus into doing something about it, and is thus the catalyst for Jesus’ first miracle.
What Went Down
Imagine Mary, Jesus, and his disciples taking up a whole table at a wedding reception. Wouldn’t you love to be a fly on the wall for that? I bet Andrew came back to the table with a little bit of pork chop hidden under some lettuce. Jesus just looks at him and shakes his head. And how did all of them get in? Did invitees get a “plus twelve”? I wonder if Jesus is looking around at how guests are dressed and thinking, “This might make an excellent parable one day.”
And can you imagine what’s going through the disciples’ heads? They just gave up everything, and the first thing the Messiah does is take them to a party? The whole situation must have been pretty great considering many of them had just been hanging out with John the Baptist — not known for kicking back and celebrating.
For her part, Mary is an almost stereotypical image of a Jewish mother. She drags her son to a party where there will be plenty of potential marrying material, sticks her nose into the business of the “steward of the feast,” tells her son what he should do, shrugs off his objections, and commands the wait-staff to do whatever he tells them. (I’d like to pause for just a moment and lament the fact that the modern world does not use such manly titles as “Steward of the Feast” anymore. Presumably, that title is too long for a name tag. I bet that’s why.)
(I want to be careful here because you, gentle reader, are brand new to this book. Mary, the mother of Our Lord, is about to use a funny voice.) I can just see Mary, in a good mood because they’re all at a party together, realizing there’s no more wine and urging Jesus (in a New Yorker Jewish lady voice, of course), “Ooh, ooh, Jesus — you should do that thing; you know, that thing you’re so good at; everybody will love that!”
In my mind’s eye, Jesus rolls his eyes, glances embarrassed over at his (brand new) disciples, and says to his mom (kind of out the corner of his mouth), “Not now, mom; I’m not ready.”
She will have none of it. She doesn’t even argue with him. She just tells the staff to do whatever he says.
Still not onboard with the stereotypical Jewish lady idea? How about this as evidence. The staff did what she said! And not just one dude. The Bible says there were six jars, each holding twenty to thirty gallons of water! You think one servant filled those? No way. Now keep in mind, Mary wasn’t in a position of honor. She wasn’t