Consider: Have you been told by others, or do you tell yourself, to “be strong” when you have an Expectation Hangover? What are the costs of “being strong”? What does vulnerability mean to you?
We understand the power of positive thinking because our thoughts have energy. However, when we are in the eye of an Expectation Hangover storm, giving ourselves a pep talk is not always appropriate and can be a form of avoidance. I see many people put pressure on themselves to move immediately into reciting positive affirmations, but it does not feel authentic in the midst of disappointment. Don’t get me wrong — I am not advocating negative thinking or indulging in a pity party. What I am saying is that acknowledging what is truly authentic for you is an important part of your healing. Pressuring yourself to think completely positive thoughts will most likely trigger self-judgment because it is an unrealistic expectation.
Consider: When experiencing an Expectation Hangover, are you quick to find a way to “make everything okay”? Does positive thinking feel sustainable and believable? If you could give yourself permission to acknowledge that you don’t like what is happening, would that be a relief?
When we don’t like what is happening, we often assume that we just need a new set of circumstances. A new job, a new city, a new relationship, a new car — “the next best thing.” Even if you move to a new city, get a new job, start a new relationship, or invest in a big purchase, that external thing is only a replacement, not a solution, because you’re still carrying around all the unresolved internal issues from your Expectation Hangover. Trying to replace the pain of one thing with the pleasure of something else will not create lasting positive results in your life. Why not? Because what motivated and attracted the new thing was your disappointment and feeling of lacking something. And that’s like building a house on sand. It may stand for a while, but sooner or later, the house will sink because it isn’t built on a strong foundation.
“Instead of dealing with the hurt and betrayal from my breakup, I thought the best way to get over someone was to get under someone else. Yet each new relationship I created felt meaningless and disappointing, so I ended up still feeling miserable, and lonely too.”
— Sophia
Consider: When have you attempted to treat an Expectation Hangover by seeking out “the next best thing”? How did it work out for you? Are you searching for something external to cure your disappointment?
When we have an Expectation Hangover, we sometimes take a “spiritual bypass,” attempting to jump immediately to the blessings of the situation without doing the work that actually facilitates the kind of learning that creates lasting changes in our life. In my experience we cannot solely meditate, chant, or pray our way out of an Expectation Hangover. Spiritual practices are key, but we are multidimensional beings. If we attempt to see the silver lining too soon, we may be turning away from the truth of our human experience. Just as our Expectation Hangovers involve a range of experiences, we have to be willing to address them on a range of levels — emotional, mental, and behavioral, as well as spiritual.
Consider: Are you attempting to repress your negative thoughts, immediately looking for the blessing? Do you believe you should not feel bad — or even experience guilt for “indulging” in your feelings? Are you relying on some spiritual practice to cure your Expectation Hangover?
You have probably used at least a few of the above coping strategies at different times. And you’re in good company. We all employ these strategies because we are never really taught how to deal with disappointment effectively. Because Expectation Hangovers don’t feel good, we look for an expedient way to ease the discomfort. If you deny, judge, or resist your process and what an Expectation Hangover is catalyzing within you, you may actually amplify your symptoms. Left untreated, Expectation Hangovers continue to affect you and influence your thoughts, feelings, decisions, and reactions. Furthermore, you will continue to unconsciously re-create different versions of the same Expectation Hangover.
“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”
— Helen Keller
“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it…it’s just easier if you do.”
— Byron Katie
Now that we’ve established that Expectation Hangovers hold keys for transformation, I know you’d love to jump right to the fulfillment part. But, trust me, if you want lasting fulfillment — the kind that is not based on any external outcome — allow yourself the time and dignity of your process. You are worth it.
Begin by becoming fully aware of what your Expectation Hangover is and how it is affecting you. Awareness means “having knowledge or cognizance.” The more you understand your Expectation Hangovers, the easier it is to treat yourself and alleviate negative symptoms.
Just as a doctor would have you fill out an intake form and ask you a lot of questions about your medical history and current symptoms, you must comprehensively assess your Expectation Hangover in order to treat it effectively. Let’s begin by examining how your Expectation Hangover is affecting you on the emotional, mental, behavioral, and spiritual levels.
| EXERCISEExpectation Hangover Assessment Form |
Refer back to the answers you wrote for the Identifying Your Expectation Hangovers exercise (p. 10) and, for each Expectation Hangover you identified, answer the following questions comprehensively.
1. What caused the Expectation Hangover? Name the Expectation Hangover (for example, “Not Getting the Job I Wanted”) and write the name at the top of your assessment form.
2. What specifically were the expectations you had of yourself and/or of someone or something else?
3. What thing that happened or didn’t happen is contributing most to your Expectation Hangover?
4. Of the six temporary coping strategies discussed in chapter 3, which ones have you been using?
5. What feelings are you experiencing?
6. Describe the current state and theme of your thoughts: Are they in the future or the past? Are they supportive or critical? Are they positive or negative? What are you obsessing about?
7. What do you believe about yourself as a result of your Expectation Hangover?
8. What do you believe about others and/or life in general as a result of your Expectation Hangover?
9. What conclusions have you drawn as a result of your Expectation Hangover (for example, “I shouldn’t have trusted that person,” “I don’t get what I want,” “Life isn’t fair”).
10. What actions are you taking or not taking as a result of your Expectation Hangover?
11. How has your Expectation Hangover impacted your faith or your connection to a Higher Power?
12. Does this Expectation Hangover remind you of things from your past? Are certain