This assessment form is your awareness tool. Keep it handy because you will refer to it as we move into the treatment plan.
THE FIRST STEP OUT OF DISAPPOINTMENT
Have you ever practiced martial arts? One of the core principles is that instead of resisting a punch that is thrown at you, you should accept it and follow the energy of the punch because resistance takes more energy than acceptance. A punch hurts more if we resist it. Similarly, when you move into acceptance of your disappointment, there is no resistance of what is, so you have far more energy to treat your Expectation Hangover.
Acceptance does not mean you have to like the circumstances and symptoms of your Expectation Hangover; rather it means being free of judgment about it. What is judgment? Each time something happens and we form an opinion about it, or label it as “good,” “bad,” “right,” or “wrong,” we are judging and resisting what is. There is what happens (reality), and then there is the meaning we make of it (our interpretation of reality). Our judgments feel true to us, but they are really only beliefs we create. These limiting interpretations of reality keep our Expectation Hangover in a stagnant state, making it more difficult for us to transform.
From a very young age, we are taught about right and wrong, and rewarded for being “good.” It feels natural to judge because our egos long for reassurance, and judging something gives us a false sense of certainty. Our desire for certainty can hinder our evolution because judgment locks in emotions, beliefs, and behaviors that cause and perpetuate disappointment. Judging — ourselves, others, and the world — is so pervasive it has become our default mode.
Think of your Expectation Hangover and consider your judgments about it: Do you think it shouldn’t have happened? Do you think it was terrible? Do you believe things should have been different? Do you think you were wronged? Do you think you were wrong? Do you believe it caused undesirable circumstances in your life? Do you see yourself as damaged by it? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then judgment is perpetuating your hangover.
You may be thinking, “The thing that caused my Expectation Hangover was awful — I can’t imagine accepting it!” What is key to understand is that acceptance does not mean you condone or agree with what happened. Rather, acceptance means you stop trying to make meaning out of what happened or didn’t happen, and you put aside the opinion that things should or shouldn’t have gone a certain way. Acceptance means letting go of judgment and your attachment to labeling things “good,” “bad,” “right,” or “wrong.” Acceptance means you choose to no longer employ temporary coping strategies to fight your Expectation Hangover.
“Being my partner’s caregiver after his brain injury has been far more traumatic than my military experience. I have so much trouble accepting he is not dead but no longer the man I knew, accepting there would be no recovering our dreams. I need to make a brand-new plan to include the new set of circumstances. I can only accept all things. Blaming myself is not the answer. Accepting my own true nature as love opens my heart to give love and receive love. I realize I am the cause of my own suffering. When I compartmentalize the pain and take ownership as opposed to blame, I open myself up to a perspective that allows me to move forward instead of stagnating.”
— Didi
Moving through this book and treating your Expectation Hangover effectively will be much easier if you hold an unconditionally accepting, open-minded, and expansive attitude toward yourself, others, and reality as a whole. Things have been hard enough so far, haven’t they? Choose the grace plan: move into acceptance.
| EXERCISEMoving into Acceptance |
This exercise will help you move into acceptance so you can complete the treatment plan in part 2 effectively.
1. What are you judging about your Expectation Hangover? In other words, what do you think should or shouldn’t have happened? List all of your opinions and judgments about the situation in your journal.
2. Think of a time when things didn’t exactly go your way but you accepted it rather than fighting it or going for a quick fix. It can be something as big as not fighting for a promotion you didn’t get or something as seemingly small as not getting upset over a flight being late. Bring to mind a time when you simply accepted what was. Then close your eyes and really enliven the memory by visualizing it in great detail until you are experiencing what acceptance feels like.
3. Once you are in the feeling of acceptance, look over the list you wrote in response to the questions in step 1 and rewrite it, using the phrase “I am willing to accept” before each statement. For example, “I am willing to accept that I was dumped,” “I am willing to accept that I didn’t get a promotion,” “I am willing to accept that I wish I made a different choice.” Remember: acceptance does not mean you have to like it; it just means you are releasing resistance against what is.
4. Acknowledge yourself for being willing to change your point of view from one of judgment to one of acceptance. Notice what a relief it is to stop resisting and judging.
DENISE’S STORY
You could say I’ve been kind of a control freak from day one. Growing up, I was always “the boss.” In fact, my brother had a special acronym for me that clearly affirms my natural tendencies: SCMCOTU (Supreme Commander, Master Controller of the Universe). I shudder to imagine the challenge I was for my parents.
I learned the ultimate lesson of surrendering control and leaning into acceptance when I had an unexpected and traumatic cesarean birth. My plans for a natural birth in water, for immediate skin-to-skin contact with my baby, for inviting my child into a world of peace, tenderness, and love were shattered. Our baby girl was born into the hands of a stranger, shielded from me with a curtain, and cut out of my womb by a doctor I had never met. Never did I expect for my baby girl to join us under such conditions. Never did I expect to feel so completely out of control. Never did I expect to feel like such a failure and such a success at the same time.
Once I began to face my sadness, my feelings of utter failure, and my desperate desire to have had the birth I planned, I could see that I was completely ignoring the most important truth: though my child’s birth did not follow the plans I’d held on to so desperately, everything turned out wonderfully, and I have a beautiful, healthy baby girl. What better way for me to learn to release my expectations than to see my plans shattered? How could I truly embrace the art of surrender without being taught so clearly that grace comes from letting go?
You have a powerful choice to make right now: either accept your Expectation Hangovers fully or fight against them. My sense is you are exhausted from fighting, but perhaps you think you have to stay strong. I assure you that surrendering through acceptance is one of the most powerful things you can do. Your life doesn’t have to be a battle. You don’t have to work so hard or be so hard on yourself. If you feel stuck in situations that keep repeating themselves, it is a sign of a core issue that holds deep truths and life lessons for you. When you attempt to eliminate your suffering by fighting with reality, you lose 100 percent of the time.
“We must accept finite disappointment but never lose infinite hope.”
— Martin Luther King Jr.