Madly in Love with ME. Christine Arylo

however, elicited a much different response. I turned to these future leaders and mothers and posed this question: “How many of you would now turn and say to your friend, ‘I would like to love myself’?” Silence. Then squirms. A few giggles pierced the air, but not one hand went up — except for mine and that of my friend in the front row, another author, speaker, teacher, and woman on her own self-love journey. Instead, the girls moved uncomfortably in their seats, dumbfounded at the notion of publicly making such an audacious statement. Embarrassed to say the word love in a way that pointed their feelings of love toward themselves rather than toward another, these young women just sat in their seats staring at me. They had no idea how to respond, so they waited to see what I would do and say next.

      In an inspired moment, I dropped down to my knees (wearing a dress and heels, mind you) and exclaimed,

      Now I invite you to imagine that I am the child you will have someday. I am your little girl between the age of five and seven. And I come to you and I say, “Mommy, is loving myself a good thing? Should I love myself? Be my own best friend?” What would you say? Would you say, “No, honey, that’s selfish. No, child, have selfesteem but not self-love. Self-love is selfish, or something you only do in private”? Of course not! You would never say that to your child. Why? Because you have no doubt in your mind that you want your child to love himself or herself.

      Instinctively, you know that loving yourself is crucial to a happy life, and you want your child to be happy. Your instincts are clear — self-love is good. You would say to her, “Yes, child, be your own best friend! Love yourself and treat yourself well. Be proud of who you are; share her with the world. Honor and respect yourself without apology, because if you don’t, how can you expect anyone else to? Go for your dreams, regardless of what anyone else says. Take care of yourself, because if you don’t, you won’t be able to care for anyone else.”

      “So, all of you beautiful, powerful, intelligent young women,” I said to those students that day — and I say this to you too — “if these instructions are so obviously appropriate for a child, then why don’t they also apply to you?”

      Since leaving my corporate job to teach, speak, and write full-time about self-love, love, and the true power of the feminine, I have talked with thousands of women and have received some of the wildest comments when I voice the term self-love. One moment, as we talk about selfesteem, their heads are nodding, their faces are smiling, and all is good. But as soon as I mention self-love, heads quirk to the side, defensive walls go up, and comments like these come out of their mouths:

      “Loving myself? I don’t have time for that.”

      “Oh, sure, I love myself. I went to the spa last month.”

      “I think that self-love stuff is all pretty hippie-dippy!”

      Then there’s the take-my-breath-away, shocker-every-time-I-hear-it line: “Self-love? Do you mean masturbation?” (And they don’t mean it in a good way.)

      My heart gets so sad at how quickly people link something so sacred, so essential to our basic happiness — love — to behaviors and traits that are frowned upon, hidden, and often a source of shame in our society when the word self is added to it. You don’t see people walking around proclaiming, “I don’t have time for love” or “Love is only for hippies.” No, while we may not always be good at loving others, we all know and believe that loving others is a good thing. So why would love, when directed at yourself, be any different? We consider it acceptable, even admirable, to express love by giving to others our energy, time, resources, compassion, and more with little thought for ourselves, and by saying words like “I love you,” “I appreciate you,” and “I respect you” to friends, family members, and lovers. But saying, “I love myself” out loud? Better keep that under wraps! Or giving to yourself first? Why, that’s selfish! And yet, it’s the same energy — love — simply pointed in a different direction.

      At first I thought the self-love taboo affected only people who had never been introduced to the concept of loving themselves. Just like the college girls in the room that day, I too, at the age of twenty, hadn’t yet received the Self-Love Handbook. But when I observed that the women and men who came to the workshops I held at spiritual centers, which are like self-love safe havens, were just as resistant to publicly claiming their love of self, I was floored. One Sunday I asked a group of spiritual seekers I was speaking with, “Who here would stand outside after next Sunday’s service with a flag that on one side says, ‘I am madly in love with ME,’ and on the other side says, ‘Love yourself; you deserve it!’?” Surely there would be at least a few bold souls willing to be beacons of love. Yet again, not one person raised a hand, except for the person I had brought with me to the workshop, my soul partner, Noah. Okay, yes, I had upped the ante by asking for a public display of self-love, but these people were used to hearing about self-love and were part of a community that supported love in all forms. Surely they would have no fear about proclaiming their selflove in public. But they did.

      What the heck was going on? What was causing the fear surrounding self-love? What I discovered was shocking.

      I looked up the definition of self-love on Dictionary.com. I’ve learned over time that the definition of a word can tell you a lot about the current beliefs our society, institutions, and familial tribes — and, therefore, we — deem acceptable, valuable, and either right or wrong. Definitions — because they reflect mainstream thought — influence and inform the ideas and beliefs that run through our subconscious minds and, subsequently, affect our actions and thoughts. And because many of us may be unaware of the meanings of specific words (honestly, how often do you look up words you hear every day?), we often have no clue that we are being influenced by outside forces that may not even align with what we believe to be true in our hearts but that nonetheless affect our actions. Moreover, the definition we give a word today may not even be the original meaning of the word. Words seem to change over time, without explanation. This is the power of words, and once I realized this, I started looking up definitions and the history of words a lot more!

      I’m not sure what I expected as I typed the word self-love into the white search box on Dictionary.com — maybe something simple about self-love promoting happiness and well-being. What appeared on my screen, however, was quite different. My mouth dropped open; my eyes could not believe what I was reading. Self-love was defined as “conceit,” “vanity,” and “narcissism.”

      What? My eyes scrolled the page again and again. I had to make sure I wasn’t just seeing things. And then, as if a lightbulb went on in my mind, everything began to click. Now I understood the wacky responses and lack of raised hands. By definition, self-love, in mainstream society, is considered taboo, scary, and maybe even a little dirty. Which, of course, makes public displays of self-love feel wrong and risky, something to be avoided. Who wants to be called a narcissist, after all?

      Merriam-Webster.com was not much better. While it defines self-love as “love of self” (which essentially is just the word self-love in a reverse order), the first full definition given is “conceit,” which it goes on to define as an individual opinion, especially excessive appreciation of one’s own worth or virtue, a fancy item, or a trifle. I think it is not a stretch to say that you, and no one you know, wants to be called conceited or excessive. And since when is love a trifle or an opinion instead of a sacred, beautiful, essential act?

      What I wanted to know next was who the heck writes these erroneous definitions. Is there some person or council in some city sitting at a desk deciding on a whim what self-love means today? If so, they should be fired for bastardizing such a sacred word and then fired for poisoning our minds. When the word self is placed in front of the indisputably beautiful and good word love, this should not change the beauty and the goodness, only the direction in which it flows.

      Maybe you’re thinking right now, “Of course I know that self-love isn’t all those awful things.” And yes, at some level you do know that loving yourself is a good thing, or