My cancer journey has challenged every preconceived notion I ever made about life and myself. I am asking myself hard, uncomfortable questions. God is opening my eyes to see more than I’ve ever seen before. Why am I entitled to anything? It’s an easy answer. I’m not. I don’t deserve anything at all. Why should I deserve more or better treatment than any other person? It pains me to see others who have been given such a heavy load to bear in this life. So many people endure far greater suffering than I will ever know.
It feels like God has stretched my heart and mind wide open to see outside of the box. I’m seeing life, God and myself differently. I’m feeling things I’ve never felt before, and I’m praying differently. Marriage, and family, is richer. Every night Carson and I share our top three blessings of the day. There have been so many. Amazing! I no longer feel the need or desire to control my destiny. I feel more strongly than ever that God’s got this at so many levels.
P.S. I learned today that my lung biopsy is scheduled for this coming Monday (more on that later this week). I am grateful that it is moving forward quickly and that wheels are set in motion for treatments as well.
Day 50—The People Close In
By Brenda Pue—February 19, 2014 9:21 p.m.
My mom moved in with us a few weeks ago. What an incredible gift that is to us. I know she is deeply missed by her family, church and friends back home—thank you all for understanding that we need to be together now. I appreciate sharing these precious days with her. What an amazing gift she is.
Since I am not able to be on my own due to the possibility of seizures (to my knowledge, I haven’t had one), I can’t think of anyone better to hang out with. She “gets” me. God definitely cut us out of the same piece of cloth. So it is easy and comforting to be together in this season of unknowns.
Mom is also a gift to Carson. He has been able to be back at work without worrying about me. That is huge, as he has lots going on at so many levels. I pray for him the most, knowing that it is such a helpless feeling for a spouse. So much of our lives has changed the past five-plus weeks. Just having my licence taken away has been a game changer for us. I’m not able to support him in that way anymore, which has added a degree of difficulty to our lives.
I feel that these ones who are “close in” need some extra prayer these days. They absorb the day-to-day realities with me and need extra prayer covering. I am grateful for all the extra help we are getting, with driving, meals, prayer, practical care and your encouraging cards and posts. My heart is full. Thank you!
1 C. S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain (London: The Centenary Press, 1940).
2 Words and music by Ben Fielding and Dean Ussher, “Anchor,” © 2012 Hillsong Music Publishing, CCLI: 6514121. Used with permission.
3 J. I. Packer, Weakness Is the Way (Illinois: Crossway, 2013), 22.
4 Packer, Weakness Is the Way, 50.
Day
51
to
100
Day 51—A Letter from the Family
By Kristin Pue—February 20, 2014 7:14 p.m.
Since January, when we received Mom’s diagnosis, our lives have changed. We have been completely blessed by the outpouring of messages, prayers and love from our “village” or community. We want to take a quick moment to thank you for your support. Even just logging on to the website and seeing the nearly 20,000 visitors is so encouraging. Because this has been a difficult journey that we have embarked on, it’s almost unimaginable how we could ever do this without all of your love and support. Honestly, we have a hard time communicating just how much your support has meant to our mom and the rest of our family.
We as a family have always lived fast-paced, action-packed lives. We fit a lot into everyday life, and one of the things that we have noticed is that we no longer have the same capacity day to day that we used to have. It has become normal for all of us to experience exhaustion. Our time and energy are very precious to us right now. One thing that we are seeing in our mom is her desire to accomplish some important priorities each day. We are learning that in order for her to be able to accomplish these priorities each day we need to be better stewards with her time and energy. As her family we are doing everything that we can to help her make each day count.
One thing that we have noticed is our mom’s heart to connect with each and every person who has reached out to her in this time. However, the reality of her situation is that this simply is just not possible. We hope that you can help us remove a bit of pressure from her life by simply understanding that she may not be able to respond to all of her phone calls, text messages and emails as quickly as she normally would. I know for many of you this would go without saying, but we just want to say it on her behalf so that she knows you will understand.
We also understand that many of you would like to have some time with Mom, so we would like to set up a few guidelines to help steward our mom’s time so that she can use her energy doing what she both loves and needs to do, including time with family and friends, without having to worry about scheduling and appointments. So we are asking that you call Sharon Paterson to schedule an appropriate time. We also ask that you keep the visits to 20 minutes, so that she is able to thoroughly enjoy the time with you without feeling the stress of wanting to stay engaged when she doesn’t have the energy to do so. Thanks for understanding our circumstances and needs. Thank you again for loving and supporting her in so many beautiful ways.
We have also added grocery shopping to the planner section, as this is another way that help can be provided. Right now the grocery shopping has been added to Thursdays. Thank you!
Jason and Kristin
On behalf of Jeremy and Shari and Jon and Kirstie too!
Day 52—The Stranger in the Mirror
By Brenda Pue—February 21, 2014 9:56 p.m.
When I get up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror, a stranger looks back at me. While I sleep I forget everything that has happened these past weeks, and the stranger looking back at me reminds me that this cancer journey isn’t just a bad dream after all. So each day, the stark reality of my health looks me squarely in the eye. I need God more than I know.
There have been other times throughout my life when I’ve faced down a stranger in me. Mostly when I’ve seen things in myself that I didn’t like seeing. Things that made me uncomfortable with me. God has faithfully led me through those moments too.
So these days I wake up early. After my mirror moment, I need to reorient myself as God’s beloved daughter by reading the Bible, reading a few devotionals, and spending time in prayer (this is a long-time practice that has allowed me to climb outside of me to see myself and the world from a wiser perspective). This is one of the places where God meets me. There are many other meetings between us each day. I have no idea how I could manage this journey without my Father above.
At the end of every day, the person who looks back at me in the mirror isn’t a stranger anymore. I’ve come to terms with her throughout the day. I have a new perspective. I am filled with gratitude and blessing. There is so very much I am thankful for.
Day 53—Blessing of Friendships
By Brenda Pue—February 22, 2014 9:07 p.m.
Someone