D. Was she frightened?
M. No, I don’t think so. It began as a back rub and just progressed from there. In my mind, she was enjoying the attention. I was obviously rationalizing totally inappropriate behavior. It was totally about self-gratification.
D. So her discomfort wouldn‘t have stopped you.
M. No. The best thing Linda ever did was to tell, because even though I stopped over a year before she told, I’m convinced that I would have started again at some point.
D. Your desires were progressive, then?
M. Yes. I never went beyond touching the girls with my hands, but towards the end, I was fantasizing about being touched and I know I was moving in that direction.
D. When you were touching them, were you physically aggressive? Did you force yourself on them?
M. I did with Linda. I wasn’t violent, but I knew that she didn’t want to do certain things and I did.
D. Would you have progressed as far as rape?
M. No, I wouldn’t have forced her like that, but if she hadn’t cried, I would have gone further and if she had given any inkling of wanting to participate—which I know was a ridiculous thought—I would have gone further. That’s just how low my mind had sunk.
D. How old was she then?
M. She would have been twelve or thirteen. But in both cases, with both of the girls, when they cried and said stop, I stopped. I think when they cried, they broke through the veil of being objects to me and became children and that’s when I stopped.
D. When you were molesting a child, how did you feel about the child?
M. I didn’t really have any... I think I felt that I was giving them pleasure, or that was what I told myself, which was of course not true. It was all about self-gratification. While I was touching them, I really thought of them as objects, not as children. When you’re doing that you don’t think of them as victims. It’s just as though they’re nonexistent. They’re not people. They’re objects.
D. Did you ever have a real relationship with Linda? Was she ever a human being to you—or was she always just an object?
M. Oh no, I cared very deeply for her. It was only when I was trying to self-gratify myself that she was an object. But there were so many times when I felt so close to her. I was almost like a Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. I was very deceptive. Extremely deceptive. There are perpetrators who basically target a kid on the street and use violence but that wasn’t my thing. It wasn’t anything I ever did or would have done. There was always something deep inside of me that said that wasn’t ever going to happen.
D. What were your thoughts after you had molested a young girl?
M. Regret. Deep, deep regret. I felt very unworthy. Like a real heel. A real schmuck.
D. So after Linda cried, it never happened again?
M. That’s right. It never happened again. And I think it was over a year before she reported me. If I hadn’t gotten caught, I know I would have tried again. The victim needs to tell.
D. If she had been questioned, do you think Linda would have told about it earlier?
I think that communication from adults to the child is extremely important. Because I have a feeling that if anybody had sat down with Linda and asked her if everything was okay in the relationship between her and me, I think she would have spoken up and said that there were some things going on. I doubt that she would have said anything to her teachers at school or whatever, but with someone she really had a relationship with, I think she would have said something if she had been asked.
D. Did you ever want to confess—and if you did, what stopped you?
M. Yes, I did, but fear wouldn’t let me. I was trapped. There was nothing I could do about it without blowing my family apart—which has happened.
D. According to the research I’ve done, one of the characteristics of child molesters is that they don’t pay attention to normal societal boundaries. Were you aware that you were breaking societal barriers, or did you just not care, or what?
M. I don’t think I was aware that I was breaking societal barriers.
D. So you weren’t aware that it was improper to go into a child’s bedroom?
M. No. Not really. I was much more comfortable with children than with adults. I think it’s because with adults you can’t be totally open and honest, but with kids you can and I enjoyed that. So it was a lack of maturity. That and the fact that my guilt prevented me from being able to relax with adults.
D. Did you feel you could express yourself more with kids?
M. No, I would draw them out. I wouldn’t talk about my deep feelings with them. I would just talk about them.
D. What would have stopped you from touching a child in the first place?
M. If they had said no. Saying no and crying. In both cases, with both of the girls, that was it. That was what stopped it with both of them. Now—will that stop every child molester? No. I don’t think so. It’s just that I have a soft heart and when reality sunk in that I was hurting this child, then I stopped.
D. Did you ever hear on TV or on the radio about the consequences of molesting a child?
M. All the time.
D. How did that affect you?
M. I’d just quiver and shake inside and be glad that I hadn’t gotten caught.
D. But you proceeded anyway. Why?
M. Just lack of self-will. I’d just always make myself think, well, she appears to like it, so... I mean it was delusional, but that’s what I did.
D. Did you want to be caught?
M. I wanted to stop. I didn’t want to get caught. I just couldn’t figure out how to stop.
D. Did you ever try to seek help in any way?
M. Yes. I would constantly pray that the Lord would get me out of it. I knew it was wrong and felt very guilty after the fact, but just wasn’t strong enough to stop it.
D. So if you prayed that God would help you to stop, why do you think He didn’t?
M. I think it was just a hollow prayer. It just wasn’t sincere. My desire for what I was doing was stronger than my desire to stop.
D. How did you hide your sexual preferences all those years?
M. Just by being very manipulative.
D. Did you feel guilt?
M. Yes.
D. How did you handle that?
M. Just tried to put on a brave face—be someone I wasn’t. Basically a mask. I couldn’t ever really have an in-depth conversation with anybody for fear something would slip. There was no honesty in anything. It was very depressing. I just buried myself in work projects and so I was never really around anybody for long. I just kept working and working so I didn’t have to think about it. That was my self-preservation mechanism.
D. Do you think people have to be cautious when they see a strong bond between a man and a child?
M. I think people have to be perceptive—not cautious—perceptive. For instance, I have a bad feeling about a fellow at my church now. There is a woman there who has two young daughters and a boyfriend. They left the church and he took one of the girls with him—not both girls—one girl. To me that was an instant red flag. I wondered why he separated those girls. So I think that if you want to protect a child, you have to watch how things are orchestrated and understand manipulation.
D. When you questioned that, should you have confronted that,