D. Did you ever find yourself in grave danger?
M. Yes. Many times. There were times when I could have been killed—people who wanted to kill me. But God was there and protected me the whole time.
D. You’ve talked about being active in a church. How could you call yourself a Christian?
M. I had committed my life to God and believed everything in the Bible. I just wasn’t following what it said. I put my own desires ahead of everything and didn’t work at applying Scripture to my life. I was just a guy sitting in a pew saying all the right things but doing whatever I felt like doing.
D. Did you feel as though God had left you in prison?
M. No, although I certainly deserved to have Him leave me. There were so many occurrences when really bad things could have happened. I could have died. Just on my pod there were several guys who would have killed me as quick as they would have looked at me if they could have gotten their hands on me. I feel that God gave me wisdom in what to say, what to do and how to react. Whenever I would ask Him what I was to do in a particular situation, I would just feel a flood of peace and I knew He was with me. I’d do whatever it was I felt He told me to do and I was protected.
D. After all of that, do you still have an attraction to children?
M. No. Quite frankly, I’ve gone overboard the other way. I’m frightened of children now. If I’m in a grocery store and there are a couple of kids in an aisle without their mother, I’ll turn my cart around and go the opposite direction. It’s just common good sense. It’s not that I’m afraid of re-offending, because that’s not going to happen. My fear is that I’ll be perceived as doing something inappropriate. I’m extremely careful not to put myself in a position where anyone could get the wrong idea.
D. How do you feel about yourself now, generally?
M. I’m just a work in progress. I have difficulty with some things. For instance, in my work, I can’t get overly friendly with anybody or invite them to church because if they come to my church, I’ll lose my job. Someone there will ask if they know about my background—and that will be it. I’ll be history. Any effect I have on people just has to be through the way I live my life, through being a person who is not profane, who is honest and helpful—but I can’t invite them to come to my church. And that’s just the facts of life. That understanding comes through the first job I got after I was released at a trucking company. I was the best night watchman they had ever had—until one guy found out that I had been in prison and that was it. So it makes that part of it difficult.
D. How do you feel about yourself now in relation to other people?
M. I feel as though I’ll always be in a fishbowl. Everybody is reading behind the lines, wondering what I’m doing. I know my pastor and his church board are pleased that I’m doing everything to earn their respect and keep people comfortable and stick to the reintegration plan without being reminded. For instance, I’d never go to the washroom in the church. If I had to go, I’d leave the building and go home and go there. It’s just staying away from any perception of acting questionably.
It’s difficult because I can’t just go out anywhere and socialize and tell anybody about my past and expect anyone to be supportive, because it’s just not going to happen. So I’m isolated. I can’t just go out and be a normal person. I’m just coming to grips with that now and realizing that that’s always the way life is going to be for me. It’s my fault – nobody else’s.
I do feel very good about my relationship with my parole officer and my psychologist. They are very positive about the support group I have. The fact that my sister and my aunt have been so incredibly supportive says a lot to them and has meant so much to my ability to rebuild my life.
Most of the guys like me don’t have the support group I have. They’ve lost everybody and they just give up. They basically re-offend so that they can go back in to get off the streets. They’re with out any means and life is just too terrible on the outside.
D. Are you still a manipulator?
M. I don’t think so. I hope not. I try to be totally frank and honest about everything and I think that is the key. If someone asks me a direct question, I’m not going to lie about it. For instance, if some one asks me at my work if I have been in prison for child molestation, I’m not about to lie about it. I’ll say yes and then I might as well go out and get in my car because I’m going to lose my job. So from that standpoint, I’m not that same person anymore.
I think that’s why a few of my old friends and my sister and aunt have stuck by me, because there’s been a trust factor built up which I very much cherish. Without it I’d be totally lost. I’d be totally out of my mind, I guess. That’s all I can do.
Now, I recognize my lot in life. If I didn’t have the backing of my support group, I know I’d be in big trouble. I think I’d just collapse. But I do think that God has brought this support group together. It just seems supernatural to me. I was never that close to my aunt or my sister until this happened.
D. What role does remorse play in your life? How do you deal with the shame?
M. I don’t call it remorse. That may sound strange. I call it reality. There are realities that I have to live with for the rest of my life. There is an awareness of how deeply this has adversely affected the people in my life. Their woes right now are caused primarily by me and I’m aware of that.
Remorse and shame? This has taught me to see the girls as real people with emotions, thoughts and needs. I betrayed their trust and I feel very badly because I took advantage of their vulnerability.
D. What will you do if the temptation returns?
M. I’m going at life in such a way as to not allow the temptation to return. I’ve purposed myself to walk away from any possibly compromising situations.
I read a lot and keep myself busy with work and church. When impure thoughts come into my mind, I replace them with positive, healthy thoughts or good memories. The key is not ignoring bad thoughts—it’s replacing them. I know that I can talk to my pastor about anything, anytime. We have both come to the conclusion that man, left to his own desires, is very dark. We are all tempted, but left to run rampant, the imagination can be a disastrous thing.
D. So you’d say it’s all about renewing the mind?
M. Knowing exactly what the pitfalls are and how to avoid them is critical. Replacing dark thoughts. That’s why Philippians, Chapter Four, is so important to me. “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” If a temptation comes into my mind, I immediately capture that thought and replace it with something else. Often a memory, like laying on my back, looking up at the stars with one of my grandchildren...that was such a wonderful, solid memory. Or driving down to the lake with my old dog, Jack. The point is that you can’t not think about something, or it becomes the elephant in the room. It becomes bigger and more important. You have to replace it with something positive. Something better.
D. If you could say anything to your victims, what would it be?
M. That I’m very sorry. I know that sounds like a very trite thing to say. I wish there had been an opportunity for them to confront me – for everyone who this touched to confront me and be able to express how I hurt them. I know that the victim impact statements are meant to do that, but the girls weren’t there when I read them. I would like them to know how sorry I truly am. I don’t deserve forgiveness, but in the long haul, it is the only thing that will bring peace to them.