* FINALLY registered and I eventually filed for a divorce
Blame Was the Name of His Game
My ex had a way of turning things around on me. If I complained about him not ever making love to me, he would tell me that we were always fighting, and he just didn’t feel like making love when we are mad at each other. Many times he would just fall asleep in his recliner and not come to bed until very late.
I never got along with his mother, and he sided with her anytime there was an argument. We had a big argument one Christmas because she felt we should come on Christmas day, and not afterwards. We had two families to go see, and she was always demanding priority. My ex asked me one year to leave my parents early to go see her, and he would tell her that Christmas was over on the 26th and we would just leave. He seemed upset with her and I agreed. Leaving on the 26th and him saying anything to her never happened. It was all forgotten because he did not want to bring it up and ruin the holiday. He was furious when I exploded and told them both what I thought. I believe she knew for years about her son being gay. I was blamed for that awful Christmas and how I acted.
Throughout our marriage, I was to blame for anything that went wrong. During the divorce, he did not want to let me keep the house, and he told me that he could force me to sell it and we would divide the equity. He did not want me bringing in another man to live in HIS house. He also told me that I favored my family and he hated to go see them, and I never wanted to go see his. This was quite funny to me since he and our daughters loved going to see my parents. My mother adored him and my family liked him. My mother often cooked his favorites instead of mine! He had supported her many times during her difficulties she faced with her own parents and siblings.
Our daughters loved going to the farm and enjoyed seeing their cousins when they would visit. My ex had no siblings to visit; it was just he and his mother. To this day, he has never acknowledged any blame.
Perhaps not being in the same town and in the same house, I was one of the lucky ones. I didn’t have constant abuse from him directly. I felt alone but I stayed busy and didn’t allow myself to think about the real problems. I didn’t turn to drugs or alcohol, and I didn’t feel the need to seek therapy. I certainly knew he would never go for counseling. I have felt very sad for wasting so many years of my life with this marriage.
Happily Ever After – For Real
After the divorce, we stayed friends for a few years and then he admitted he was gay in an email about three years later. I became angry and decided to be mad for a year. During that time I never dated and had no love interest at all. Even though I knew he was gay, hearing it from him was a shock and I became determined to talk and write about my life, hoping to help others.
An old classmate from high school asked me out on a date last year and we became very close. I began realizing I could love and be happy again. He made me realize that there is life after being married to a gay man, and I will always appreciate what he did for me.
I am searching for my true soul mate, and I believe I will find him. I am a happier person for moving on and not feeling sorry for myself.
I am a happy and positive person now, and you can be too. Just believe in yourself and know that none of this was ever your fault.
PROFILE #4: Charlotte M., North Carolina, married 30 years, divorced 18 years, one son and one daughter both professionals.
Red Flags
I was a naive 20-year-old virgin when I married my ex. We had a long distance romance mainly by letter back in the 1950s. I had arrived from overseas for a two-year stay and I am still here. He was very charming and a professional, and I was impressed. We were married six months after our first meeting.
He was thirty and I thought that was strange as most guys were married before then.
We tried to have sex once before the wedding, but it was a disaster; he said it would be best to wait. On the honeymoon I was miserable and had nightmares about rats under the bed. We were very uncomfortable with one another but I thought that would get better. It never did. I became pregnant almost right away and then had a second child 21 months later. He kicked me in my back when I was pregnant the second time. I was really depressed after the birth and things just kept going downhill from then on. I told him I wanted to go back to Europe and he said that I could go but the children would stay with him. I did not argue and stuck it out for years until the children went to college. I then thought sex would be better and looked forward to time together. But that was not the case. When I got back from a weekend trip to the coast he had moved out of the bedroom saying his snoring was keeping me awake. So there was no sex for the last few years of our marriage.
It all came to a head when a co-worker of mine told me that my husband had accosted her son, who worked for him. Of course he had not mentioned this to me. I told him I needed to talk to him and he finally came clean and did not apologize. I discovered later that he is a pedophile who likes 16-year-old boys. He admitted to sleeping with one and that he had affairs in service and in college. He blamed his family for being molested by siblings and had known since age eight that he was gay.
As you can imagine I was horrified by the trouble he had caused his employees and their parents. None ever complained to me. It is true that the wife is always the last to know. At the same time I was so relieved because for the first time in thirty years, I knew it was not my fault .He had always given me the impression that there was something wrong with me.
He lives a couple of hours away from me. We do not speak. My children keep in touch with him. Neither of them has children, and I wonder if their Dad is the reason. The really sad thing is that he is a homophobic homosexual who is now a lonely old man. He is lucky that he was not taken to court. I learned later that one mother almost did file charges but she did not want her son to go through the trauma.
I mostly have gone on with my life and have had a few relationships but nothing serious. I mostly do not think about it anymore but like now it all comes flooding back.
PROFILE #5: Bethany S., Texas, married three years, divorced two years, one child, Teacher
Red Flags – Signs I Missed
When I first met my husband Mabrey in 2003, I remember thinking, “Wow! I can’t believe he’s single.” He was a tall, handsome, friendly, church-going great guy. He was divorced from his first wife and had two children. He had been married ten years and divorced nearly two years when we met. I remember thinking that he