From the very beginning of our marriage, we definitely had communication problems. He grew up in his household where his mother and father would not talk to each other for months at a time. They finally divorced after almost 50 years when they were 69 years old. From early on in our marriage, my husband definitely avoided conflicts and did not communicate well. I had kept a journal and looking back in it now, our marriage was definitely headed for trouble due to his inability to communicate. Again, I never saw any gay tendencies from early on.
My husband was a neat person, very particular about his clothes (he always ironed his own clothes and polished his shoes), and hated clutter. I had always thought that this was due to his Army career for 20 years which was why he was very good at taking care of his own clothes, ironing them, and keeping his shoes polished. I don’t know if I should have seen that as being a gay tendency.
The other things about him that might have been different, but nonetheless didn’t think they were gay tendencies were the fact he always liked to bake cut-out cookies and decorate them at Christmas time. He also was a better cleaner than I was. He believed in spring-cleaning, taking everything out of our closets and cupboards to do spring-cleaning. He was the youngest of five children: three older sisters and one older brother. His siblings are much older than he is, so he was practically raised by his one sister. He is also very close to his Mom. He grew up baking Christmas cookies with them and helping them do spring cleaning so again I didn’t take that as signs of a gay tendency either.
The Start of Our Marital Problems
I think we would both agree that we had a pretty decent marriage for the first five years of our marriage. He would never end a phone call without saying “I love you!” He was very attentive and supportive during my pregnancy with our miracle baby. He even read baby books and magazines in preparation for our son’s arrival. Because of my advanced age when my son was born, I knew I wanted to try for our second child shortly after.
During the first year when our son was born, he was a great dad and continued to be a loving husband. When our son was about 18 months old, I remembered that was the first time I had a gut feeling that he was unhappy. He told me if it weren’t for our son, he would “walk.” I was very surprised he felt that way. Because our son was born so little and we didn’t have families near by, we did not really use a baby sitter. We didn’t get out much as a couple, though I didn’t have any problems with that. I so truly loved being a Mom and wasn’t missing out on “going out” at all. We did go to marriage counseling and most of our issues had to do with my husband not communicating and avoiding conflicts.
Still, we continued to attempt to conceive again. We proceeded with IVF to try to get pregnant but due to lack of eggs, the IVF cycle was abandoned. Nonetheless, we continued to try “naturally” on our own to get pregnant. Again, it felt like I was always the one initiating sex during my fertile time but he never complained about it.
Red Flags
About two years ago, my husband started to work out at the Y near his work. He also joined some exercise classes that was taught by a gay instructor, Adam. For two years, rain or snow, he would get up at 5:15am every day to go work out before work. He was very proud of his progress. He kept a log of his exercise routine. After a whole year of working out with this instructor, my husband bought him these special “breathable” exercise socks as a Christmas gift. Also about this time, my husband became quite close to a gay co-worker, Rob, at work. I had met Rob and his live-in partner a few years back and thought nothing of it. They’ve been to our house for dinner and vice versa. My husband’s workplace is very liberal and they have a large population of open gay relationships. During the last two years, they went out to lunch together quite frequently (at least once or twice a week) and always sent each other instant messages. In this last year, my husband told one of my good friends that Rob had become his Best Friend! I was surprised to hear that. Maybe I was just oblivious but I didn’t realize their relationship has gotten so close.
In April of last year, while I took our son to visit some friends for two days, Rob took my husband shopping the first night we were gone. He bought a whole new outfit that consisted of a shirt, jeans, shoes, belt and even a new pair of sunglasses. They were clothes of styles that my husband never had before. Looking back that was one of the first signs that something was changing…
Last summer, there were several more scenarios that should have raised some red flags but I wrote them off. One time he took his gay exercise instructor Adam to an INXX concert and they ended up at a gay bar after the concert. My husband had bought the tickets from one his female coworkers, who is heterosexual and married. She and her husband were meeting a gay friend at the gay bar after the concert, so my husband told me that was how he ended up there. He came home telling me about his night out. He seemed excited and sounded like he had fun. He said it was “funny” watching people at the bar. However, he never said he was grossed out or uncomfortable being at the gay bar.
On another occasion, my husband took Rob, his supposedly newfound “Best Friend” to a Josh Turner concert. He actually asked my friend to get him two tickets, telling her they were for him and me to go. He later just told me since I don’t know any of his songs anyway, he would take Rob instead since he helped us moved into our new house and it was a way to say “thank you.” Call me stupid, but I trusted him, and I didn’t think much of that either.
He did buy birthday and Christmas presents for Rob. I was even the one that wrapped them. I honestly thought they were just good friends. In September, he took Rob out for his birthday and I said I hope you don’t take him out on his actual birth date as that should be reserved for his partner or Dave would be mad at you…
Shortly before Christmas, my husband and the gay instructor, Adam went to the hospital to visit another gay instructor that was admitted to the hospital for an anal abscess. That night, he didn’t get home until almost 11pm. That was the first time he has stayed out late other than when he went to the concerts. He said they went shopping and grabbed a bite to eat afterwards. My husband came home with four bags of clothes from the GAP and Banana Republic, stores where he does not usually shop. He said Adam helped him pick the clothes out because he said my husband wore his clothes way too big--one size larger than he should.
Looking back now, I must have been just so naïve because still at that time, I didn’t speculate that there was something going on… although the signs were there. My husband would giggle and acted like a kid whenever he talked about Adam or Rob.
Two weeks before Christmas, my husband loaned Adam, his gay instructor, his SUV to drive 1,000 miles to pick up something he had bought on EBay. I was a little annoyed and upset that he didn’t consult with me first, but rather he just told me that he was lending his car out. On the night that my husband was meeting his gay instructor to give him the car for his road trip, he packed him a “care package” with a bottle of water, some fruits, and some homemade Christmas cookies we had just made with our son. Looking back, I guess no straight man would think of putting together a little “care package” for his gay friend!
We spent seven days for Christmas on the East Coast. My husband seemed pretty irritable. In the meantime, I was researching for a cruise for our annual February mid-winter vacation at my husband’s request. He wanted to get away and was mad that it was taking me so long to “book” our vacation.
On New Year’s Day, after just getting back from our Christmas holiday with my family, my husband was measuring to expand our son’s and our master closet after having just moved into our new house in November. He was planning on going to Home Depot that day to get the supplies needed for that project. As usual, my husband’s enthusiasm