“‘You ought to know better,’ sez Spud Murphy, very fierce. ‘I’m surprised at you, Nobby. There ain’t another marchin’ order parade for a month, an’ ‘ere you’ve been an’ got orders put in for one to — morrer.’
“All the chaps in the room who was busy cleanin’ their straps an’ packin their valises said ‘Ear, ‘ear,’ but me an’ Nobby sat on a bed cot doin’ nothin’.
“‘You wait till you see yourselves in a magic lantern,’ sez Nobby. ‘An’, besides,’ ‘e sez, ‘I’m goin’ to take a lot of you chaps by yourselves to — morrow.’
“‘Free?’ sez Spud, eagerly.
“‘Don’t be a miser,’ sez Nobby, sternly; ‘don’t be, a miser, Spud, A tanner won’t break you, will it? It costs me that.’
“‘‘Ow do you do it, Nobby?’ sez Smiler.’
HOW IT IS DONE
“‘It’s as simple as drinkin’, sez Nobby, gettin’ down ‘is camera. I point it at yoU, push this button, an’ you’re took in a minute.’
“Well, Nobby kept the regiment standing half an hour on parade next morning waitin’ for the sun to come out.
“Me an’ him was in the corner of the parade ground, ‘im ‘olding ‘is camera, me waggin’ my ‘ead backward an forward, tryin’ to look as if I knew all about it, an’ the battalion standin’ stiff to attention.”
“Bimeby the sdjutant sings out:
“‘‘Ave you taken it?’
“‘No, sir,’ sings out Nobby.
“‘Well, ‘urry up,’ sez he; an’ Nobby obeys orders an’ pushes the button.
“‘I want to see that picture to — morrer,’ sez the Adjutant.
“‘Yessir,’ sez Nobby.
“Some’ow old Nobby was a bit depressed all that day. After tea ‘e sez to me:
“‘Smithy, come for a walk in town; I want to ‘ave a bit of a chin wag.’
“‘Smithy,’ ‘e sez when we got out that night, ‘do you know anything about photos?’
“‘No,’ I sez.
“‘No more don’t I,’ ‘e sez, with a sort of sigh.
“‘What!’ I sez.
“‘No,’ ‘e sez, ‘I don’t know a bloomin’ thing about it. I bought this camera from a chap down the ‘Igh Street. ‘E sold it cheap, bein’ sligh’ly damaged. It ‘adn’t got one of its parts. I forget which. Any’ow, the chap said it didn’t matter.’
THE PHOTO SHOP
“‘Look ‘ere, Nobby,’ I sez, stoppin’ in the street, ‘ave you got the monkey box with you?’
“‘Yes,’ ‘e sez, ‘I never let it out of my sight,’ an’ ‘e pulls it out of his overcoat pocket.
“‘We’ll take in to that chap that takes photos, an’ see what’s wrong withit.’
“So we took it into the photo shop; an’ Nobby tells the chap all about it. The chap looks at the camera for a bit, an’ me an’ Nobby looks at ‘im very anxious.’
“‘What do you want me to do?’
“‘Take out the photos we’ve took,’ sez Nobby.
“‘You’ve took, Nobby; not me,’ I sez.
“‘We’re both in, Smithy,’ sez Nobby.”
“‘There ain’t no photos,’ sez the photo chap.
“‘No photos!’ sez me an’ Nobby together, an’ Nobby went pale.
“‘No,’ sez the photo chap, ‘their ain’t no films.’
“‘Hey?’ sez Nobby.
“‘Nor no lens neither,’ sez the photo chap.
“‘Does that make any difference?’ sez Nobby.
“‘You’ve done it!’ I sez, an’ I told the photo chap all about ‘ow Nobby took the picture of the regiment on parade, an’ ow the Adjutant sez ‘e wanted a copy of the photo to — morrow.
“‘Where was it took?’ sez the photo chap.
“‘On parade,’ I sez.
A SCOTCH REVIVAL
“‘I’ve got a photo of a regiment at’ ‘ome took on that very parade,’ sez the photo chap. ‘I’ll tell you what I’ll do when I get ‘ome to — night; I’ll! send it on to you. You can say you took it, an’ it’ll be all right.’
“Old Nobby brightens up wonderful.
“‘Is it our regiment?’ ‘e sez.
“‘No,’ sez the photo chap; ‘but it’s so small, you can’t tell what regiment it is.’
“‘That’ll do,’ sez Nobby. ‘Send it straight to the Adjutant.’ An’ we both went back to baracks ‘ighly satisfied.
“Next mornin’ we was sent for to the orderly room.
“‘Good mornin’ Clark; good mornin’, Smith,’ sez the Adjutant, when ‘e saw us. ‘Nice photograph that you sent us.’
“‘Yes, sir,’ sez Nobby; but I said nothin’.
“‘Took it yourself?’ sez the Adjutant.
“‘Yes, sir,’ sez Nobby.
“‘Ah,’ sez the Adjutant, very affable, ‘the Colonel is very interested in it.’
“‘Very glad to ‘ear that, sir,’ sez Nobby.
“The Adjutant took the photo from ‘is pocket an’ ‘anded it to Nobby.
“Nobby looks at it: so did. Then we saluted an’ went back to the barrack — room.
“Nobby didn’t speak for a long time. When ‘e did, ‘e said something about the photo chap, an’ then ——
“‘Was there anything I said to the photo chap last night that’d make ‘im think we was ‘Ighlanders, Smithy?’”
19. The Bookmaker
“There’s lots of chaps,” said Smithy, “who are walkin’ about the streets without keepers who ought by rights to be down at the master tailor’s bein’ measured for strait weskets.”
It was Smithy’s Saturday to Monday vacation, which he had agreed to spend at my house. Smithy takes a delight in the discussion of all kinds of gloomy subjects. He revels in the Positively Dreadful and is keenly interested in the Indescribably Ghastly.
We had spent a pleasant Saturday evening. Starting with How it Feels to be Hung, we had moved by easy stages to Murder as a Fine Art; thence to the vexed question, Should Executions be Public? which I think we threshed out very thoroughly. We drifted to Criminal Lunacy, taking a short cut by way of Suicide, and it was at this point that Smithy expressed his doubt regarding the sanity of the majority of his fellow-creatures.
“With some chaps it’s gels,” philosophized Smithy; they get quite balmy about ‘em. I know one chap — a very good character, too, with