I handed the paper back to Smithy.
“What do you think of that?” he asked anxiously. I gave it my unqualified approval.
“Well,” resumed the sensationalist, “we sent it to the Anchester Gazette, an’ they put a bit of it in, an’ sends me half a james.”
Which, to be exact, is ten shillings, a handsome reward, considering the Gazette had evidently omitted the more startling portion of the news.
“So me and Nobby writes another bit,” Smithy went on—”’ere it is.” A second soiled fragment of history was produced:
“We hear from two who knows that another horrible muttiny came off at the barracks of the Anchester Regiment yesterday at 1.35, oweing to a certain party being a bit too clever and talking big in the canteen about his rich relations.”
“That,” explained Smithy hastily, “was a party named Briggs, who’s got an uncle in the linen-drapin’ line.”
“Did they print that?” I asked.
“No,” said Smithy, with a cough. “I got a letter from the head man: ‘Dear sir, we’re tired of mutinies try us with something else.’”
Smithy had the sarcastic message by heart.
“So we did,” he went on gloomily; “so we did. Nobby an’ me, we thought an’ thought for two days.”
“‘Let’s say there was a horrible fire in barracks,’ he sez.
“‘No,’ I sez, ‘let’s say there was a horrible suicide in “B” Company,’ I sez.
“‘No,’ sez Nobby, who’s got a down on ‘D’ owin’ to the company cook an’ him being bad friends, ‘let’s say “D” Company has been horribly poisoned to death owin’ to the way the meat’s cooked!’
“Well,” said Smithy, with a sigh, “we thought of everything, from a horrible discovery in the officers’ quarters to the quartermaster-sergeant doin’ a horrible bunk with the pay, till at last old Nobby says. ‘I’ve got it!’
“I’ve got it,” repeated Smithy, with a groan.
“‘Is it a horrible?’ I sez,
“‘No,’ sez Nobby, ‘it ain’t; it’s Fanny,’ he sez.
“‘Oh!’ I sez. ‘Is it a horrible murder of the Colonel’s daughter?’ I sez — we call her Fanny,” Smithy explained.
“‘She’s a nice girl,’ sez Nobby, sort of musin’.
“‘I’ve never noticed it,’ I sez.
“‘She ought to be married,’ sez Nobby. ‘Let’s marry ‘er to some one.’
“So me an’ Nobby sat up half the night tryin’ to think who we could marry her to. He started with the doctor, who got Nobby seven days for shammin’ toothache, and then we thought of the Adjutant, who’s always on my collar; but bimeby we said let bygorns be bygorns, an’ we married her to the General.”
I gasped, for General Stucker, blank old Stucker as be is nicknamed, because of the choice and variety of his expletives, is the most peppery old warrior in the British Army.
“We married her to the General,” and Smithy’s native sense of humour was responsible for the faint chuckle he gave. “Here — read this.”
Another friendly lamppost obliged.
“We beg to announce with much pleasure that Miss Fanny Gollingham our colonel’s daughter is walking out with General Stucker whose heroic conduct is greatly admired and the happy couple will soon leave on their honeymoon, We hope kind friends will rally round they being the first to help others.”
“Did they print that?” I asked in an awestruck whisper.
“They did,” said Smithy in a pained undertone.
“Well?” I asked.
“It was Nobby Clark who done it “ said Smithy explosively; “he sez, ‘Let’s sign it “Captain Clark of ‘B’ “ and “Major Smith of ‘H,’ “ for a lark.’
“‘ Where’s the lark?’ I sez.
“‘Why, fathead,’ he sez, ‘they won’t put it in unless they think we know all about it,’ he sez; so we signed it.”
Smithy drew a crumpled newspaper cutting from his pocket:
“We are happy, on the authority of Major Smith, of H Company, and Captain Clark, of B, to announce the engagement of Major-General Sir George Stucker, K.C.B., to the eldest daughter of Lieut.-Colonel Gollingham. The wedding will he celebrated at an early date, and Major Smith is to be best man.”
I handed the cutting back.
“Major Smith best man!” I murmured in amazement. “So that’s why you lost your job?”
“Yes” said Smithy bitterly; “Nobby put that bit in when I wasn’t lookin’!”
18. The Photographer
The War Office requests Officers Commanding Units to submit photographs and films suitable for conversion into lantern slides.
— War Office Memorandum.
The Officer Commanding wishes to notify N.C.O.’s and men in possession of cameras that all reasonable facilities will be given them for the purpose of securing photographs portraying Army life.
— “A” Company’s orders.
*
“It appears,” explained Private Smith, “that they want to advertise the Army with a magic lantern. They’ve got a bit tired of showin’ a picture of a soldier in marchin’ order, an’ callin’ it ‘the advantages of the Army.’
“We was talkin’ about it the other night down in the ‘0le in the Wall, me an’ Nobby Clark an’ a new chap of ‘A’ — I forget his right name for the minute, but we call ‘im Smiley — an’ Spud Murphy, an’ ‘Appy Johnson.
“‘Wot’s the idea, Nobby?’ sez Spud, who’s been gettin’ on friendly terms with me an’ Nobby lately; ‘wot do they want our photos for?’
“‘I don’t know,’ sez Nobby, ‘but me an’ Smithy are goin’ in for it — ain’t we, Smithy?’
“‘No,’ I sez.
“‘Me an’ Smithy’s got a camera,’ sez Nobby, takin’ no notice of wot I said, ‘an’ to — morrer we are goin’ round barracks to see what we can do in the photo line.’
“I thought old Nobby was coddin’, but ‘e wasn’t, for up ‘e comes next mornin’ with one of them ooncertina machines that pull in an’ out, an at ten o’clock up goes Nobby to the Orderly Room an’ asks to see the old man.
NOBBY VOLUNTEERS
“‘Well, Clark,’ sez the Colonel, ‘what do you want?’
“‘Beg pardon, sir,’ sez Nobby, ‘but me an’ Smithy’s got a camera, an’ we’d like to take a few photos for the War Office,’
“The old man was as pleased as Punch. ‘Very good; very good, indeed,’ sez ‘e. Sergeant — Major, see