IN COLOMBIA IT IS ILLEGAL FOR A GOAT TO DRIVE A CAR, UNLESS IT HAS PASSED ITS DRIVING TEST.
Came to Johannesburg to record the first show in the series, even though it’ll be the second to go live. That way if it all goes wrong, we’ve got more time to fix it.
First time we’d seen the tent put up since we gave it a trial run on a damp farm in Hertfordshire a few months ago. Looks a bit better here. First night, sent James off to go spinning. He came back to the hotel bar covered in dirt and stinking like a tyre fire. Decided having a beer was more important than getting changed, even though bar was packed. Maybe people think he always smells like that. Lion costume delivered, to ‘eat’ a star guest. It’s been hard to find a realistic one. Ignored Jeremy’s suggestion to ‘use a real lion’. Next day we filmed the show. Presenters liked the idea of first studio recording being here because they’ve performed live shows in South Africa before and the audiences are always amazing which makes everything go with a swing. Sure enough, they were great. Everyone on the crew happy, had a small party back at the hotel at which Richard bought half the bar and Jeremy made our Dutch tech team race around the hotel garden. Up late this morning, about to go to airport then remembered we needed to make short film for very important American TV critics’ conference apologising for not being there. Remembered animal costume used yesterday so got one of crew to put it on and deliver message to camera as a talking lion while presenters sat in the background. American TV critics will think we’re a bit strange. Oh well. See you soon,
THE GRAND TOUR
a.k.a.
REPÚBLICA PORTUGUESA
(If you are Portuguese and also very formal)
Portuguese inventions include peri-peri sauce and therefore also the invention of teenagers going on crap dates to chicken restaurants.
Population:
11 MILLION
The Algarve International Circuit at Portimão is famed for its challenging, technical design, which has been known to make Jeremy Clarkson’s house explode.
Capital:
LISBON
THE MOTTO OF PORTUGAL IS ‘MMM, CUSTARD TARTS’.
In 1373 Britain and Portugal signed the Anglo-Portuguese Alliance, which is still in force today. This agreement promises that each nation shall defend the other in the event of war, as long as they’re not too busy and it’s not a bank holiday or anything.
Currency:
EURO
Portuguese explorer Pedro Álvares Cabral was the first European to discover Brazil, although he also found it was too big to bring home with him.
Famous people:
CRISTIANO RONALDO (FOOTBALLER), LUÍS FIGO (FOOTBALLER), RUI COSTA (FOOTBALLER), JOSÉ MOURINHO (FOOTBALL MANAGER), VASCO DA GAMA (NOTHING TO DO WITH FOOTBALL)
From the sixth until the eighth century, the Iberian peninsula was under the control of the Visigoths, who really liked both The Cure and wearing reflective bands on their black clothes if cycling at night.
BEHIND THE SCENES
Before The Grand Tour had a name or indeed any other ideas, there was this. A trip to Portugal for the ultimate hypercar shoot-out. That’s why no one in this film mentions the name of the show. At that point, it didn’t have one. Although James suggested ‘Nigel’.
Setting up this shoot took many, many months, not least because McLaren and Ferrari were very particular about the location, the back-up provided and the tyres the cars used. Porsche, less so.
Richard experiences a moment of severe underpant damage at the wheel of the insane P1.
Something we might never see again: James May powersliding. Oh, also, three hypercars together.
The location for this test was the Algarve International Circuit in Portimao. It opened in 2008 and is sometimes used for Formula One testing.
PORTUGAL – LAND OF INADVISABLE BETS
‘IF THE MCLAREN P1 ISN’T FASTER THAN THOSE OTHER TWO CARS YOU CAN KNOCK MY HOUSE DOWN … OH BUGGER’
– JEREMY CLARKSON
‘IF THERE’S SUCH A THING AS MALARIA YOU CAN HAVE MY VICEROYSHIP OF PORTUGUESE INDIA … OH BUGGER’
– VASCO DA GAMA
‘IF WE DON’T BEAT THESE NORWEGIANS IN THIS CHAMPIONS LEAGUE MATCH I WILL STOP MANAGING CHELSEA (BUT THEN COME BACK AGAIN IN 2013) … OH BUGGER’
– JOSÉ MOURINHO
‘THERE’S NO WAY THIS SPICY CHICKEN RECIPE IS GOING TO WORK AND IF IT DOES YOU CAN LET A SOUTH AFRICAN MAN USE IT TO BUILD A SUCCESSFUL RESTAURANT CHAIN … OH BUGGER’
– EVERYONE IN PORTUGAL
‘I PROMISE YOU LAPU-LAPU WILL WANT TO CONVERT TO CHRISTIANITY AND IF I’M WRONG YOU CAN STAB ME WITH A BAMBOO SPEAR … OH BUGGER’
– FERDINAND MAGELLAN
GO AWAY MAY
When