No, the first question was going to be, ‘Richard Hammond: can you describe him in three words?’
Can they be swear words?
Not really.
No.
I’m sorry?
My answer is no. Can I describe Richard Hammond in three words? If they can’t be swear words then, no, I can’t. Literally impossible.
Oh. What about James May?
No, I imagine he wouldn’t be able to either.
No, I mean, can you describe James Ma-
Oh for God’s sake, where are my glasses?
You’ve put them back on your hea-
May! MAY!
Jeremy leaves the room. From the office next door there is some shouting. Jeremy returns to the room.
He says he hasn’t taken them, but I know he has. A thief. A common thief, that’s what he is. Right, what were you saying?
Well …
From outside there is a protracted clattering sound.
What was that?
Don’t worry, it was probably just Hammond falling down the stairs.
Falling down the stairs?
Yes, he does it all the time. Nothing to worry about.
Are you sure?
No, but I can’t be bothered to get up again.
Oh, okay. Um, shall we get back to the questions?
Okay, to answer your question, yes, Richard Hammond is a type of swear word. At least, he is in this room. I’ll give you an example of what Richard Hammond means in this room: ‘Oh no, I’ve just stepped in a Hammond.’ By which I mean, ‘dog turd’.
Why would there be a dog turd in this room?
An actual dog turd, or Richard Hammond?
No, I … never mind. Next question, can you sum up The Grand Tour in three words?
Yes. ‘The’. ‘Grand’. And ‘Tour’. It’s already three words. You’re really not paying attention, are you?
Well, it was more of an abstract question.
I literally don’t know what you mean. Literally. You’re just wasting time.
Speaking of which, I think our time is up.
Good, because I need to find my glasses. I put them somewhere safe.
They’re on your head.
Yes, I know. Now please go away.
IN ITALY A DRIVER MUST KEEP AT LEAST ONE HAND ON THE WHEEL AT ALL TIMES, UNLESS EATING A HOT MEAL.
In Senegal you must have a hat in your car at all times, although not for the normal reasons.
In Uzbekistan it is illegal to run over your mother, unless it is a weekday.
If you stop at a T-junction in northern Sweden you must remember to shout ‘BRONCO!’ out of your car window.
When driving in New Zealand, don’t forget your Car Jennifer. If you don’t know what a Car Jennifer is, ask a Police Peter.
In the Chinese province of Ped Xing it is illegal to touch the steering wheel.
In Norway every extra horsepower over 100 is taxed at a rate of two horsepower. As a consequence, the Norwegian-market Ferrari 488 has minus 1100 horsepower.
The actor Daniel Day-Lewis always encounters problems when visiting Indonesia as his name literally translates as ‘Call me a taxi’.
The South African driving test is the only one in the world that contains a section on fighting off an attacker.
If taking your driving test in Chile, don’t forget your Driving Owl, which should be relatively clean and presented without hesitation or wiping.
The oldest person ever to pass their driving test was Hector Esposito of Monclova, Mexico, who was awarded his licence at the age of 103. Four years later he was disqualified from driving after a routine police stop discovered him to be dead.
In Tonga the king has not heard of cars and as a result everyone else must pretend they have not heard of cars either, even though they have.
In 1976 Sweden passed a new law stating that all motorists must throw a fresh fish out of their car window at 1km intervals. The law was repealed eight months later when it was discovered that the country had accidentally elected a herring gull as prime minister.
In Malaysia the penalty for being caught speeding is that you must eat your entire car, even the hot bits.
In Finland the driving test includes a requirement for new motorists to ‘prove they can hover in a stable way’. That’s because the Finnish word for ‘car’ is the same as the Finnish word for ‘enormous helicopter’ and the government can’t be bothered to sort it out.
In Arkansas it is illegal to drive with your eyes shut, unless it’s raining.
For most people Ford Escort is a car, but not for the people of Uruguay who, in 1987, elected a man called Ford Escort as their president. His first act was to ban the sale of the Ford Escort in his country on the grounds that it was ‘confusing’.