‘I didn’t think so.’ Rob waited patiently for her to continue, giving her the time she needed to properly explain how she felt.
‘I just don’t know what to do now.’ Maria shook her head. ‘Any future plans I had involved Mike, and now that I know he’s not going to be included in any of them, I feel lost. As if I suddenly have no direction in life. I’m so angry at him, Rob. So, so angry.’ She blinked away the tears that threatened to surface. It was a wonder she had any left, considering how often and how hard she’d cried recently. ‘I suppose most of all, I feel like an idiot. For being loyal, for worshipping the ground the stupid man walked on, and then to find out he was playing away with some bloody tart from work. It’s crushing.’
‘You’re not an idiot.’ Rob’s jaw was set. ‘You trusted the man you married, Maria. He made vows to you on your wedding day, vows which you believed he meant. Any woman would have done the same. He’s the idiot. Not you.’ He closed his eyes momentarily, and Maria wondered what was going through his mind right then. Was he angry too? She guessed he was. He and Mike had been good friends for a while, heading out to the pub for a pint and to watch the football every now and then.
Maria sighed. She certainly felt like an idiot. She’d never felt more stupid in her life. ‘You’re right. I know you are. I thought our marriage meant more to him than that, but clearly I was wrong. I want so desperately to stop thinking about him, about the why, but it’s so damn hard. I know I need to move on, to focus on me now. Being here is helping, and I’m grateful to Geraldine for letting me stay at the cottage. I don’t have to worry about bumping into him in the street, which is a relief. I was always terrified of that while I was back home. Can you imagine?’ A shiver wriggled its way up her spine. What would they have said to each other, she wondered? It would no doubt be awkward, an interaction involving mostly silence and not knowing where to put themselves. She’d much prefer to stay out of his way, to not put herself in that position at all, actually. The very thought of it was mortifying and she couldn’t promise herself that she wouldn’t crumble into a heap on the pavement and cry her heart out for all to see.
The divorce had been simple, if you could call the breakdown of a marriage simple. There’d been no need for solicitors to become involved, which she’d feared. A war in court was not how she’d wanted it to end. It had been efficient, and before she’d even known it, the papers were signed and they were free from each other.
There was a clatter on the table as their drinks were delivered then.
‘Here you are, folks. Sorry for the delay. I’ve managed to find myself in a bit of a pickle. My waitress walked out on me this morning, so it’s just me bumbling along at the moment. I’m Harriet, by the way. I should have introduced myself sooner.’
‘It’s no problem,’ Rob smiled handsomely. ‘In fact, there wasn’t a delay at all.’
‘Your breakfast shouldn’t be too far behind. I’ll pop it over once it’s ready.’
‘Thank you,’ said Maria. Harriet’s smile reached her eyes, before she returned to the counter.
Maria took a tentative sip of the rich brew. It was the first decent cup of coffee she’d had in weeks. There was a shiny coffee machine back at the cottage but she hadn’t had the patience to figure out how to work it. What buttons did you press if all you were after was a standard coffee? Thankfully, she’d found a jar of instant in one of the cupboards, settling for that. It wasn’t the best but it was something at least.
When Maria had turned the key in the cottage door and stepped inside, she’d taken a curious wander through the home and found the cupboards and fridge-freezer stocked up. Even the sheets on the bed had been freshly washed and smelt divine. The place itself though – and Geraldine had said as much – was in desperate need of a lick of paint. The walls were dull and the paint peeling, and as soon as Maria had come face to face with them, she’d known a splash of colour was just what the cottage needed.
‘What’s next?’ asked Rob.
‘I told you, Rob. I’m completely clueless. I suppose I’ll take the summer and use it as time to recuperate. I said I’d do up the cottage for Geraldine as a thank you. I need to pull myself back together and get used to life without Mike.’ She shrugged. ‘That’s all I can do really, isn’t it?’ She couldn’t, no matter how hard she tried, think ahead to after the summer had ended. When she did, it felt like looking into a void, empty of people and plans. It was a horrible feeling, one she didn’t quite know what to do with. Perhaps ignore it? That seemed like the best option.
‘You’ll be fine, I know you will.’
‘I hope so.’ She tried to smile at Rob gratefully.
‘And try not to think about him,’ Rob added. ‘He doesn’t deserve even a second of your time.’ He reached across the table to squeeze her hand comfortingly. ‘We’re all here for you. Me, Mum, Rosanna and the girls. You don’t need him. You’re much better off here, away from it all, for the summer at least. Everyone’s still asking about you, about how you’re coping. You’d hate it.’ The corner of his mouth quirked.
‘I would,’ she agreed quietly, nursing the warm mug with both hands. Her fingers curled around it, seeking comfort. That was another thing that had begun to get on her nerves. The sympathy had been overwhelming, especially from her mother’s friends. Pats on the back and sad smiles by the bucket-load. She couldn’t stand it. She’d hoped, foolishly, that people would manage, for the first time ever, to keep their noses out of her business, but they hadn’t. Everyone knew what had happened. She guessed that was partly to do with Ellen and her network of friends, who always seemed to know everything about everyone. There were no secrets in her life, and Maria hated that. At least here, no one had the slightest clue about her.
‘I never liked him anyway, not really. Plus, you deserve better. Move on, forget him.’
Easy for you to say. She knew he meant well but when it wasn’t happening to you, it was easy to hand out advice. It was okay for her brother with his perfect family, job and home, not that she would ever hold that against him. She couldn’t be happier that Rob had such a wonderful life and that she was such a massive part of it, but she didn’t think he had the slightest clue of what she was going through and she’d never wish it upon him.
For Maria, it was as if her whole world had been shredded into a tiny million pieces right before her eyes and there wasn’t a single thing she could do about it. She felt lost, out of place, as if she were floating higher and higher into the sky, like a balloon that had been released by the hand that had once held her so tightly. She needed to anchor herself again, she just didn’t know how and, at the end of it all, she knew one thing was for certain. She needed to move on.
When breakfast was delivered, Maria inhaled the smell of the food deeply and tried to remember the last time she’d felt as ravenous. She wasn’t sure what it was but, all of a sudden, the idea of tucking into the plate of food sat before her, completely inviting, was more than appealing. Perhaps it was the way Rob snatched up his cutlery and tucked in as if he hadn’t eaten for days? Or perhaps it was simply her surroundings and new circumstances, coupled with the fresh air her lungs had taken in that morning? Whatever it was, her stomach untangled itself from the tension it had been victim to and, after the first mouthful of egg and bacon, she was unable to stop herself from shovelling the rest into her mouth at an unbelievable speed. Using the last slice of buttery toast to mop up the puddle of baked bean juice, Maria sat back in her seat and gave her full stomach room to breathe.
‘Now that’s what I call breakfast.’
Rob grinned. ‘Blimey, you wolfed that down, didn’t you?’
Finished and ready to go, Maria and Rob back went back towards the counter. ‘How much do I owe you?’ he asked, rifling through his wallet.
Harriet glanced up from what she was doing. Maria tried to take a closer look, and realised she was writing out a sign for a job vacancy.