It’s over to Sir Jimmy Saville and Pete Tong in the Top of the Pops studio!
“Now then, now then, how’s about that then guys and gals, oh, oh, oh! Setting a new record with twenty-five weeks at number one, it’s Keith Barret and D.I.V.O.R.C.E.!”
“GREAT!” (PETE).
D: Dining Out. Table for one? “Certainly, sir.” Watch the bill at the end of the meal shrink before your eyes! Delia had the right idea when she said, “One is Fun!” I’d go a step further: “One is a Lot of Fun!”
I: Ikea. Stroll around this Swiss furniture wonderland at your own pace. 10.30 on a Monday morning, the place is very quiet. Stay a few hours and finish off with a slap-up lunch of meatballs and a Dime bar!
V: Volume. Turn it up!
O: Old Friends. Get on to Friends Reunited and track down your childhood sweetheart. See Step 6, “Respecting a Restraining Order” (Not really, it’s a bit of fun…)
R: Restaurants. See D: Dining Out.
C: Christmas. You can do what you want to do. So long as it doesn’t include the children.
E: Easter. See Christmas.
Good? Of course it is. Now then, take off my glasses, read that last bit again and I’m sure you’ll think that it’s a load of mumbo-jumbo nonsense, so hang on to those imaginary glasses, tie a bit of imaginary string to them and drape them round your imaginary neck like a theatre director or a librarian; you’ll be needing them again soon.
Is this book for me?
I think so, yes. Put it this way; yes it is. It’s for anyone and everyone recently out of a relationship, or anyone and everyone who feels their union may be coming to an end. This book is aimed at anyone and everyone, male or female, hetero or homo, straight or gay
It’s probably most useful to straight men.
That’s not important though, what is important is:
1. That you read on regardless of your sexual orientation.
2. Remember that you are not alone.
(What I mean by that is, you are alone, you’re very alone; but you’re not the only one going through it.)
What does it take to make a divorce work?
Well my friend, you may as well ask,“How long is a piece of string?”
Exactly!
In this case it’s nine steps long. How long is a step? In this case it’s about twenty-five pages, so in this case a piece of string is approximately 224 pages long, including the foreword.
I’ve broken the whole process of making a divorce work down into nine easy steps, or one long piece of string. I can promise you that by the end of the final chapter you will feel much less like you are staring into an endless black abyss contemplating the futility of your own existence. Feelings of humiliation and pointlessness will have been replaced with gaiety and joy. Indeed the only sound of laughter you hear will now be yours, not that of everyone who knows you. If I’ve done my job, far from avoiding break-up and separation, you’ll probably enjoy it! You might even be tempted to enter into a string of doomed relationships just so you can relish the final wrench apart! This might seem light years away from the uncontrollable sobbing and shaking you’re experiencing at the moment, but trust me: anything is possible when you’ve taken the medicine[1] prescribed by Dr Keith![2]
[1] Always read the label. (Only joking! It’s a bit of fun…)
[2] Fourth Estate Legal Notice: At the time of going to press Keith Barret is not a doctor or optician. Fourth Estate in no way endorses any medical or optometric advice dispensed within the pages of this book. All liability rests solely with the author. Consult a qualified medical practitioner before following any of the advice given in this publication.
“Hello…”
LIONEL RITCHIE – HELLO
“Hello again”
NEIL DIAMOND – HELLO AGAIN
“Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello…”
THE OASIS – SHAKER MAKER
Good morning, Good morning! What a treat it is to be given the chance to write a book, what’s more, a book that people will read, read in their hundreds, in their thousands! Of their own free will, of course, not as part of some huge organized reading. I’m not suggesting that for a moment; I don’t see how it could happen, in all honesty, without a degree of force on the part of the organizers, and that’s not what I want. Force shouldn’t come into it. Yes, the BBC encouraged the nation to pick up books with its excellent serial, The Big Reader, but that’s all they did, encourage. I don’t want a literary apartheid. When you see what’s happening in South Africa, it turns your stomach.
I want people to read this book of their own free will, at home, on the bus or maybe in a meadow. Not sitting at rows and rows of desks, undernourished and gaunt with huge jailers looming over them. It would be like a scene from 1984 with John Hurt, a smashing video yes, but hardly the right sort of conditions for enjoying a good read. And that’s what this book should be, above all else, a good read, as simple as that.
Yes, it deals with some very thorny issues, which other authors (I know, unbelievable!) might shy away from, they might think,“Wait a minute, Keith! People might not be able to stomach this. Maybe you should just tell them half the truth…” Well, I’m sorry, but Rome wasn’t built like that, neither was Cardiff. They don’t have half buildings, tiny stunted single-storey efforts that only paint half the picture; although yes there are bungalows, usually retirement properties for the elderly, the infirm or the disabled. In the case of the disabled of course it goes a step further: not only is everything on one floor, all the light switches are lower too, within arm’s reach or in some cases they don’t have switches, just lots of cords. Cords hanging everywhere. It can look like a thousand party poppers have been set off as part of a huge celebration and of course the disabled themselves won’t be slow in picking up on the irony of that. We’re not here to talk about the disabled, to single them out for special treatment, that’s not what they want, they want to be one of the crowd, getting by like everyone else. Unless there are steps in which case nowadays they do expect a ramp. And why not?
It’s a bit of fun.
But enough of the fun; let’s get back to you and your problems and let me say from the outset how thrilled I am to be given the opportunity to