Emily stared at him as she tested the truth of his words. She remembered how he’d glared at her; he’d looked so angry. ‘But you … you pushed me away like you couldn’t stand the thought of me—or kissing me!’ she finally burst out, amazed that it could hurt even now. For years she’d convinced herself that silly little moment between them had been nothing more than that. Silly. Little. Yet now she knew she couldn’t pretend, not when Jason was being so honest. That silly little moment hadn’t been silly—or little—at all. Not for her, and perhaps not even for Jason.
‘I pushed you away,’ Jason said, his patience clearly starting to fray, ‘because I didn’t want to humiliate myself—or you! There couldn’t be anything between us then, not when you were no more than a teenager.’
Then. He made it sound as if it might be different now. As if something—what?—could happen between them now. The thought was so overwhelming, so alarming and exciting and yet somehow preposterous, that Emily could think of nothing to say. She didn’t even know how she felt, how to untangle this confusing rush of emotions—shock, fear, anxiety, excitement, hope—that raced dizzily through her and left her robbed of speech or even breath, so she could only stare at him, helpless, hopeful, waiting.
Jason watched several different emotions chase themselves across Emily’s features. He’d shocked her, he knew. He’d been honest—more honest than he’d intended—and now she didn’t know what to say. Think. Feel.
And neither did he. His mind and body had been in a ferment for too long. He couldn’t keep himself from Emily, despite every intention to do just that. Time and time again he’d sought her out, been drawn to her in a way he could not resist. The realisation was aggravating. Humbling too. He’d always prided himself on his sense of self-control, his iron resolve—both had crumbled to nothing when he’d finally given into desire and kissed Emily, felt her sweet, yielding response, her lips parting under his, her body curving against
him. He wanted Emily. He’d gone to Africa to escape her, escape the attraction he’d felt, and instead he’d endured days of remembering just how she’d felt and tasted, nights where he’d relived that one kiss in his mind. And imagined a few other things besides.
Even work hadn’t been enough of a distraction, and after a week of it he’d realised what he wanted. What he needed.
To get Emily out of his system. And the only way to do that, to move forward, was to have her. In his arms, in his bed.
Why not?
She’d told him she wasn’t interested in love. Not for herself at any rate. She wanted to have fun. She’d had several relationships already and was wise to the ways of the world. So why shouldn’t they indulge in what would be a very basic and pleasurable affair? She wasn’t seventeen any more. She wasn’t innocent any more.
He’d been afraid of hurting her back then, of course he had. But Emily had already shown him how unimpressed she was with him already—she thought he was boring, out of bed at least; Jason saw the positive side of that assessment now. It meant she wasn’t in love with him. She didn’t want to marry him.
But she wanted him. He knew that. And as long as he didn’t hurt or disappoint her—which he wouldn’t, since her heart wasn’t involved—why shouldn’t they enjoy themselves? It had suddenly seemed wonderfully simple. And easy.
Although from the way Emily was looking at him now, with so much dazed uncertainty, Jason knew it didn’t seem so simple to her. She hadn’t believed he desired her. The thought was laughable; it seemed so glaringly—and painfully—obvious to him. Clearly, Emily had her doubts.
He looked forward to removing them. And a few other things, as well.
‘What …’ she began, her voice scratchy. Her tongue darted out to moisten her lips. Jason’s gut clenched. ‘What are you saying?’
Jason let his gaze rest on her, his eyes heavy-lidded, his expression thoughtful. Suggestive. He saw Emily’s eyes widen, her pupils dilate. ‘Things have changed,’ he said finally, his voice no more than a steady, low thrum. He took a step closer to her, lifted his hand to touch her chin, his thumb grazing her jawbone. He felt her response shudder through her. ‘Haven’t they?’ Her lips parted, but no words came out. Jason smiled and lowered his head, his lips a breath away from hers. He could feel her tremble, sway towards him. ‘Not too much, though.’ He waited, his mouth hovering over hers, needing her response. Her acceptance. She needed to understand what he was saying. and what he wasn’t.
‘Jason …’
‘Emily?’
Emily jerked away from him as Stephanie’s sister-in-law Lucy, terrifyingly organised and brisk, popped her head in the little lounge. ‘There you are! Stephanie is about to throw her bouquet. You won’t want to miss it.’
Jason watched as Emily’s face flooded with colour. She turned away from him, her head clearly averted from his gaze. ‘Thank you, Lucy. I’ll be right there.’
Lucy disappeared and still Emily hesitated for a moment, her back to Jason, clearly waiting.
‘We’ll have to finish this … conversation … another time,’ he said. He took a breath and let it out slowly, needing to state the obvious. Wanting her to understand. ‘I want you, Emily. But I don’t want you to be hurt.’ He waited, willing her to agree, to say something at least, to indicate she understood. This is just a fling. Fun. What we both want.
She half-turned so her face was in profile, and he saw the smooth curve of her cheek, the downward sweep of her golden lashes. She looked uncertain and so very young. ‘I won’t get hurt,’ she said, her voice low.
Yet as she slipped from the room Jason wondered if she’d spoken to convince him … or herself.
EMILY did not see Jason for a week. It was a week of anxiety and also a little anger, of tensing and turning every time someone came to her door, of wondering why he’d made such a startling confession and then disappeared without a trace.
Was he teasing her? Had he changed his mind? Or was he serious, and he was giving her time to decide what she wanted?
Emily didn’t know which she preferred. Every option seemed alarming. Meanwhile, she found she was checking her mobile for messages or texts far too often. She scoured the internet’s social networking pages to see if he was on any, which of course he wasn’t. Jason was hardly the kind of man to update his online status. Annoyed with herself, she stayed away from her mobile and laptop except for work, determined not to think of him at all.
Unfortunately, that proved impossible. She kept going over her conversation with Jason again and again, marvelling at his words … and their meaning.
I want you, Emily. But I don’t want you to be hurt.
It amazed her to think that Jason desired her now, had been intimating that he wanted there to be something between them now.
But what? A kiss? A fling? Clearly, he wasn’t proposing marriage, and that was the last thing she wanted anyway. She wasn’t in love with Jason; she wasn’t in love with anyone. But she wanted him. And he wanted her.
It could be so very simple. She wouldn’t get hurt, just as she’d told him. So why was she still mired in doubt?
Perhaps, Emily reflected, it was because it seemed so impossible for Jason to want her physically. And even for her to want him. They had so much history, so many shared memories and moments that were at odds with what he was feeling now. What she was feeling.
If she were