He looks at me as if to say ‘why would you think that?’ “Well I don’t. A guy can’t go on forever existing on meals for one,” he says flippantly and throws his pencil across the table.
“Sorry, I wasn’t trying to imply anything at all. I only said—”
“Nah, it’s me. I suppose I feel life is passing me by and I’m not top of the list when it comes to being boyfriend material. Doesn’t mean to say I’m not interested though.”
There’s an awkward few minutes. I fuss around with the prints in front of us, but I can feel Alex’s eyes on me.
“Well,” I add, rather diplomatically, “I’m always around if you need a shoulder and all that…”
“Thanks, I’ll remember that. Coffee?”
“Fab, thought you’d never ask!”
“You could make it yourself, you know,” he quips.
“But you make it so much better,” I laugh and the moment has passed.
My curiosity has the better of me though: will he be seeking out the gals or the guys?
***
I look at my journal, glancing over the pages of the last year. It seems that the episodes are becoming more frequent. Twice this week I’ve received what I feel to be a warning sign, on both occasions it was a female but they were very different. One was an older lady, and one a girl of probably no more than twelve years of age. There and then gone: mere seconds that prompted a déjà vu moment and then an action I felt I was meant to take. Often it’s a simple thing that might not have had any real impact, but how am I to know that? On Tuesday it was an incident at work when one of the guys was over-reaching to lift down an armful of files. I was walking by and this old lady appeared, I literally walked through her before I realised what was happening. The image seemed to dissolve around me. It was enough to make me turn around though and catch what was about to happen. I immediately ran to help Isaac, who had started to topple backwards. What I saw in that split-second was contact between his head and the desk, then lots of blood. I held out my arms to steady the files which began to slip, he instinctively grabbed onto me and with that one simple adjustment, regained his balance.
“Wow, close call! Thanks.”
“No problem.”
The other incident was another ‘something in nothing’ moment. This time I thought the young person was real at first, the form had colour rather than shadow. It was more about the feeling that passed through me that told me it was another premonition. I was queuing in the supermarket and in front of me there was a small child sitting in a supermarket trolley. Her mother was busy loading the contents onto the conveyor belt. The little girl was probably around two or three years of age. She was within arm’s reach of a tempting display of sweets and kept saying “chocolate treat Mama.” I glanced at the mother and she looked stressed, ignoring the little girl’s pleas. The child reached over and grabbed one of the colourful bags. When I caught sight of the young person in the next aisle I heard “No!” then the shape disappeared. It was so forceful I was sure it had been spoken out loud, but looking around it was clear no one else had heard it. Then a feeling of choking coursed through my body, as if I had swallowed something and it was stuck in my throat.
Fearful that the little girl would scream if I tried to take them away from her, I grabbed a small packet of chocolate buttons from the display. I offered them to her. The mother didn’t even notice her drop the round boiled sweets when she took the packet from my hand. The mother looked up a split-second later.
“Oh, you’ll get me into trouble one day missy.” She laughed. “We’ll actually walk out of a shop with something we haven’t paid for!”
I smiled good-naturedly along with everyone else, but I could still feel the choking sensation in the back of my throat. The apparition in the next aisle was gone, but the feeling was strong enough for me to record it in my journal. When I think back now, I can vividly recall that beautiful little girl’s smile.
As I close the journal and pop it back, sandwiched in the bookcase between Pride & Prejudice and my latest book on life after death theories, the doorbell rings. I wonder who on earth it can be at this time of day. Seb rang earlier, so I know it’s not him.
Before I open the door, I place both my hands on it. The bell rings for the third time, whoever it is seems impatient but still I take a brief moment. A tingling sensation courses through me: this isn’t going to be bad news or trouble. Swinging open the door, it’s Sheena and my mouth falls open. I rush up to her and we hug. It seems the cosmos is sending me the help I need!
“Why didn’t you say you were coming? But I’m so glad you’re here,” I almost find myself shouting with happiness and then I burst into tears.
“Hey, what’s this all about? What have I missed? I’ve only been gone three weeks and you’ve been very quiet, girl. I was worried. Guess I was right! Put the kettle on and let’s have a chat.”
As the door closes I feel a sense of relief. Sheena and Kelly were my two best friends. They were both people who knew me: the side of me I keep hidden from everyone else. Kelly was diagnosed with leukaemia four years ago and died six months later. It was a blow from which I haven’t yet recovered.
I’m still hugging Sheena tightly and marvelling at the fact that she has arrived precisely when I need her. “What’s up?” Sheena asks. She heads straight into the kitchen. I sit myself down on a stool while she makes tea as if it’s her own home. I love that: it’s like I have a sister who comes back every now and again to rescue me from myself.
“Nothing and everything,” I admit, miserably.
“Is it to do with Seb and Anna?”
“No, it’s the usual. Things I can’t explain. Déjà vu and the signs… people I don’t know who tell me nothing, but appear for some reason. Why? Why me?”
Sheena stops and looks at me.
“We’ve had this conversation before Ceri. It’s not helping you to keep thinking about the ‘why.’ You have to accept it - what’s the point in fighting something when you have no idea what it really is? Heck, you should know from your research, you can’t explain the unexplainable. So what’s really bothering you?”
“Alex has joined a dating agency.” I’m surprised at my own words. Where did that come from?
“You said you thought he was into guys, so what’s the problem? Worried it will affect his work once he’s on the emotional rollercoaster of the dating scene?”
“I’m not sure. I felt rather, well, disappointed. He has his first date this weekend but he hasn’t given me any details.”
“Oh.” She hands me my tea and settles onto the stool opposite. “Hidden feelings? This isn’t like you to begrudge someone a little fun. You’re his boss, not his girlfriend.”
I raise my eyebrows and shrug my shoulders. “I know. I’m being silly. With you travelling so much these days he’s the closest thing I have to a best friend and his friendship means a lot to me. Except he doesn’t know of course…about…”
“Ah, you feel comfortable with him. Were you hoping he’d notice something unusual about you and ask the question? I mean, I know Seb gives you a hard time and you do need someone you can confide in when I’m not around.”
We’re both thinking of Kelly.
“Why do you think Kelly has never come through to give me a message?” It’s a question I’ve had in the back of my mind for a long time. I suppose a little part of me is waiting, silently hoping for a sign, and now I’ve voiced it.
“You’re the expert, what do I know? I have no idea how it all works, but I will tell you one thing, Ceri. I don’t think it’s going to go away and you have to find a way of reconciling yourself to