‘Are you okay?’
She opened her eyes, stretching her arms up above her head. ‘I’m fine. I was just thinking, that’s all.’
‘About what?’
She took a second or two to look at him. He was naked now, as he stood there in front of her. For a man of his age he still had the body of someone twenty years younger; tall and lean, toned and hard, and every memory of the first time she’d seen him like this came rushing forwards, flooding her brain, making her almost breathless. She could feel her chest rising and falling, faster and heavier than it had done just seconds before, her heart beating wildly against her ribs, her fingers entangling themselves in her own hair. ‘About why I shouldn’t be here.’
He lowered himself down over her, the heat of his body as it touched hers almost burning her skin and she breathed in deeply, letting him pull one of her hands away from her hair, his fingers intertwining with hers.
‘I thought we weren’t talking,’ he whispered, his mouth moving closer to hers.
‘We aren’t,’ she breathed, her chest now rising up to touch his as her legs pulled up around him, keeping him close.
‘Okay…’ He kissed her slowly, and she stretched out more as she felt his other hand slip between her legs, touching her gently, checking she was ready for him. ‘No more talking.’
‘No more talking,’ she repeated, opening her legs wider now, letting him in, inviting him to do whatever it was he needed to do.
As the kiss got deeper his fingers played harder, touching her, sinking into a wetness he’d created, and she found it difficult to hold back, to stay quiet, because what he was doing to her was everything she’d dreamed of him doing since the day he’d told her it was over. It had only been a few months ago, the last time he’d broke her heart, yet it seemed like an eternity had passed. She’d missed him so much, and although she hadn’t always been aware of that – the months leading up to Rico’s birth had given her more distractions than she’d been able to handle – she knew that the second her son had been born, that was when reality had kicked in. That was when she’d realised things had never really changed. That was when she’d realised it was this man she needed to be with. He just hadn’t wanted her. He’d pushed her away. But was all that changing now?
His mouth was still resting on hers as his fingers slid slowly inside her and she moaned quietly, bucking her hips up as she pulled him in. And it felt good to have him back there, to feel him where she needed him to be. Everything else felt wrong. Only he’d ever felt right, despite everything. Despite it all. Only he’d ever felt right.
Moving his head down, he covered one of her nipples with his mouth, flicking his tongue over it, causing her to moan out loud again as she buried her fingers in his hair. He was making her dizzy; her head was spinning with a hundred different reasons why this was wrong, but still she didn’t want to be anywhere else. She didn’t want him to leave or stop doing this; she didn’t want him to go.
He let go of her hand, pushing her legs a little further apart, and as he slowly pulled his fingers out of her she gasped, closing her eyes as she prepared for what was going to happen next, the anticipation both exciting and terrifying. But when he finally made that move, gently pushing into her so carefully, the complete opposite of the sex they’d had earlier, she felt nothing but a wonderful warmth spread through her entire body, from the tips of her toes to the top of her head. An incredible, mind-blowing feeling of warmth and safety. Yet she was anything but safe. Jim Allen was the epitome of danger as far as relationships were concerned. But she was trapped, in a world she wasn’t willing to leave.
Pushing her hips up to meet his again she took him deeper, angling her body so he fell into her, and he held onto her as though his life depended on it as they moved together in an erotic dance, their rhythm perfectly synchronised.
His moans merged with hers, soft and quiet yet loaded with an intensity that circled around them, filling the hallway, turning up the heat on an already burning atmosphere as bodies crashed together and feelings were torn apart under waves of confusion and pain. But Amber wouldn’t have it any other way. She didn’t want to feel anything other than what she was feeling now as he thrust in and out of her fast, then slow, keeping that rhythm going, holding out for as long as he could but he was sinking quickly, she could tell. His breathing was heavier, his body tensing up as he got ready for that final push, and Amber almost held her breath as she waited for the inevitable to happen, wanting it yet dreading it, because she didn’t want this to end. She didn’t want to end this closeness. She didn’t want to let him go. But she couldn’t stop that rush of beautiful, white-hot pain that flooded her body as he spilled out into her with a cry so loud it seemed to shake the room. And when he reached down to touch her, to help her to her own climax before he’d finished his, she thought she might pass out with the sheer weight of feelings he was making her experience in the space of those final few seconds.
And when it was over, all she felt was a crashing emptiness that seemed to wash over her at breakneck speed.
‘Stay with me,’ he whispered, stroking the hair from her eyes, which she didn’t want to open just yet, in case he disappeared the second she did. In case this was just a dream. She felt sixteen all over again, and she wasn’t sure she liked it. It made her feel vulnerable, out-of-control, when she should be grown up and strong.
‘I… Jim, I don’t know…’
‘Stay with me.’ He took hold of her hand, gripping it tight, his eyes now staring deep into hers. ‘Please. Because I can’t let this go… I can’t let you go. Not yet.’
She wanted to hear him say not ever; that’s what she wanted to hear him say. Not yet signalled that he was willing to let her go at some point. And once more she could hear those alarm bells ringing. ‘What are we doing, Jim?’
‘I need you, Amber.’
‘For what? For a few days? A couple of weeks? For sex and nothing else? Forever? For what, Jim?’
He sat up, pushing both hands through his hair, letting out a quiet sigh, but Amber could see the weight of the world right there on his shoulders. ‘I can’t do this. Not with Ryan still here. That constant threat…’
She sat up beside him, slipping her hand into his, kissing his shoulder lightly. ‘He isn’t a threat, Jim. He never was, not really.’
He looked at her, smiling a small smile, but even she could see it hadn’t reached his eyes. ‘You say that, but then something happens and he’s there, back in your life. And now you’ve got Rico… Amber, you and him, you have a child together.’
‘I’m not in love with him, Jim.’
‘But he’s always going to be a part of your life. He’s always going to be there.’
‘And I can’t help that. I can’t. He’s Rico’s dad, and that’s a job he’s got for life.’
Jim looked down at their joined hands. ‘It still tears me apart that I couldn’t give you what you wanted. That you had another man’s child when I… when I loved you so much it broke my fucking heart every day to see you… to see you carrying his baby. You were my wife, Amber.’
‘And you divorced me, Jim.’
He let go of her and dropped his head into his hands. ‘Because I just couldn’t face losing you.’
‘Baby, that doesn’t make any sense. You were the one that left me. I didn’t want to go anywhere.’
He raised his head, his eyes tired and heavy with tears, and Amber didn’t know what to do. This was a side of him she’d very rarely seen, if ever. ‘But you might have done. You were pregnant, with a baby that wasn’t mine. Pregnant to a man who meant something to you, Amber. You say you’re not in love with him, but, Ryan Fisher – he meant something to you. Once.’
She