If you have a good rapport with your doctor, lawyer, or accountant, you may find yourself wondering if he is interested in you romantically. You’re not alone, but you may not be seeing the situation for what it is. How can you know for sure? It’s simple. Has he ever asked you out? Has he ever suggested having a drink, coffee, lunch, or dinner? If the answer is no, then he’s not!
This may sound obvious, but you’d be surprised how many women tell themselves it’s romance when a man pays them the slightest attention out of professional courtesy. We wrote this chapter to smash any delusions you might have about a fantasy relationship of your own. Unless he asks to spend time with you in a nonprofessional capacity, a relationship beyond business does not exist—and Rules girls don’t waste their time on nonexistent relationships!
The fact is, when a man is interested in a woman—including a female patient or client, employer or employee—he finds some way to ask her out. He may invite her to work out at his gym, attend a fund-raiser with him, or to play tennis over the weekend. He may not necessarily ask her out for a Saturday night date since that might be too obvious, or awkward, or forward, but he’ll figure out some way to see her outside of the office. This behavior is different from the professional courtesy of a physician or financial advisor, who might say, “Call me anytime,” which women mistakenly interpret as romantic interest.
Let’s examine three fantasy relationships and The Rules’s answers to remove any doubt you might have about a similar situation in your life.
Fantasy Relationship #1: Your internist of two years told you “beep me anytime” if your asthma acts up. He once told you to call him by his first name. He puts his arm around your shoulders when he escorts you out of his office. You just know he would ask you out if you weren’t his patient. And, naturally, you want to have a “talk” with him or ask him out!
The Rules answer: If a doctor is friendly, affectionate, concerned, and kind, then he’s doing his job. It’s not a come-on for a doctor to tell a patient to beep him or call the office “day or night” if his patient has asthma—people can die of asthma, and it’s his job to make sure his patients stay alive and well. Some doctors are informal (it’s okay to call them by their first name) and others are touchy-feely (they kiss all their patients hello and goodbye). It’s just good bedside manners—and good business—for a doctor to show warmth and caring. If he were romantically interested in you and uncomfortable about dating a patient, he would refer you to his associate and then ask you out.
Sure, it’s a little more complicated for a doctor, lawyer, or CEO to pursue a patient, client, or associate. But it’s not impossible. We’ve heard about bosses who’ve dated and even married their employees, even though it was frowned upon by the company. At first they kept the relationship a secret and then they voluntarily decided he or she would transfer to another division or another company so they could date freely.
Fantasy Relationship #2: Your accountant called you over the weekend to remind you to send in your tax forms before April 15. You think because he called you on Saturday at home instead of during the week at work there might be something there.
The Rules answer: Accountants work on the weekends, especially during the busy tax season. The lines between work and home, during-the-week, and weekends can be very blurry in business. Unless he suggested brunch, don’t read into it.
Fantasy Relationship #3: You think the waiter at the restaurant you go to twice a week likes you because he always remembers how you like your eggs and that you take your coffee light with two sugars. You think he’s more attentive to you than other customers—refills your coffee before you ask—and always makes conversation with you. You want to let him know you’re not seeing anyone seriously and would go out with him if he asked. The problem is, he hasn’t. What to do?
The Rules answer: Waiters are in the service business. It’s normal for a waiter to remember a regular customer’s preferences. He works for tips so it’s in his interest to be friendly, make conversation, get your order right. If he liked you beyond this, however, he would suggest having drinks one night.
The point bears repeating: When a man is really interested in a woman, he figures out some way to ask her out.
Don’t be insulted. We’re not suggesting. that your doctor, broker, or accountant isn’t fond of you, just that it’s not a Rules relationship until he asks you out.
Also keep in mind that many men, including professionals, like to flirt with women. Looking at lab results, contracts, and financial statements all day can get pretty boring, so it’s fun for them to make small talk, notice your figure if you’re in good shape, and compliment you on your new hairstyle. After all, they are men and they do like to look at women! It’s also an ego boost for them to put on the charm, knowing that it gives some of their female patients/clients high school girl crushes. But it’s all quite harmless, so don’t take it seriously unless he asks you on a date.
We’re not saying that you can’t daydream about your sexy doctor or look forward to quarterly meetings with your handsome financial planner. Being a Rules girl doesn’t mean you can’t have obsessions, it means you don’t act on them.
The danger lies in thinking there’s a relationship there, and not being open to real relationships. Women who are absorbed in fantasy relationships usually don’t have real ones!
Ask yourself, are you doing everything to meet men or are you living for the day when your dream lover asks you out? You’re less likely to place a personal ad, sign up with a dating service, or take that singles ski trip if you believe you’re in a relationship.
Remember, Rules girls know they’re either dating a man or not. There’s nothing in between.
So if you thought your broker or lawyer was interested in you, but after reading this chapter realize he may like you but not romantically, try to accept the truth instead of fighting it. Your first impulse may be to clear the air, be open and honest—ask him if he has feelings for you but isn’t acting on them because of your professional relationship. You might want to write him a note or, worse, a long letter explaining how you feel.
Don’t. First, that’s not The Rules. He must initiate any such talk. Second, nothing good will come of it. If you talk to him and he tells you that you misread his politeness and that he’s just as nice to every other client/patient, you’ll feel foolish and hurt—not to mention embarrassed about seeing him again professionally.
If, on the other hand, he tells you he is attracted to you, but has decided not to pursue the relationship because he’s involved with someone else or more interested in you as a client/patient than a lover, you’re not much better off. You have the ego satisfaction of knowing that he’s attracted to you, but so what? You still don’t have a Saturday night date, much less a relationship. And it’s a hollow victory anyway because if he was really crazy about you—and why would a Rules girl settle for anything less?—he would rather date you than just have a professional relationship with you.
So if you can’t tell him how you feel, what can you do?
The Rules. Look your best whenever you see him, end all phone calls/meetings first, show no interest in him personally, don’t send him holiday cards (if you mistakenly thought that would make him think about you in a different light) or invite him to your New Year’s party to pave the way from a professional relationship to a social one. Don’t buy him a tie for Christmas or bake him cookies for the holidays. Gifts don’t make men think about women or ask them out. Try to treat him as you would an elderly or unattractive man—not the handsome hunk you think he is!—someone you wouldn’t think twice about, much less bake brownies for!
Doing The Rules won’t make him ask you out if he was never going to, but it will keep you from wasting time baking cookies and writing notes to men who aren’t