BDELYCLEON. True again! 'Tis calling things by their right name! Let fire be brought quickly from the house with myrtle boughs and incense, and let us invoke the gods before opening the sitting.
CHORUS. Offer them libations and your vows and we will thank them that a noble agreement has put an end to your bickerings and strife.
BDELYCLEON. And first let there be a sacred silence.
CHORUS. Oh! god of Delphi! oh! Phoebus Apollo! convert into the greatest blessing for us all what is now happening before this house, and cure us of our error, oh, Paean,96 our helper!
BDELYCLEON. Oh! Powerful god, Apollo Aguieus,97 who watchest at the door of my entrance hall, accept this fresh sacrifice; I offer it that you may deign to soften my father's excessive severity; he is as hard as iron, his heart is like sour wine; do thou pour into it a little honey. Let him become gentle like other men, let him take more interest in the accused than in the accusers, may he allow himself to be softened by entreaties; calm his acrid humour and deprive his irritable mind of all sting.
CHORUS. We unite our vows and chants to those of this new magistrate.98 His words have won our favour and we are convinced that he loves the people more than any of the young men of the present day.
BDELYCLEON. If there be any judge near at hand, let him enter; once the proceedings have opened, we shall admit him no more.99
PHILOCLEON. Who is the defendant? Ha! what a sentence he will get!
XANTHIAS (Prosecuting Council). Listen to the indictment. A dog of Cydathenea doth hereby charge Labes of Aexonia with having devoured a Sicilian cheese by himself without accomplices. Penalty demanded, a collar of fig-tree wood.100
PHILOCLEON. Nay, a dog's death, if convicted.
BDELYCLEON. This is Labes, the defendant.
PHILOCLEON. Oh! what a wretched brute! how entirely he looks the rogue! He thinks to deceive me by keeping his jaws closed. Where is the plaintiff, the dog of Cydathenea?
DOG. Bow wow! bow wow!
BDELYCLEON. Here he is.
PHILOCLEON. Why, 'tis a second Labes, a great barker and a licker of dishes.
SOSIAS (Herald). Silence! Keep your seats! (To Xanthias.) And you, up on your feet and accuse him.
PHILOCLEON. Go on, and I will help myself and eat these lentils.
XANTHIAS. Men of the jury, listen to this indictment I have drawn up. He has committed the blackest of crimes, both against me and the seamen.101 He sought refuge in a dark corner to glutton on a big Sicilian cheese, with which he sated his hunger.
PHILOCLEON. Why, the crime is clear; the foul brute this very moment belched forth a horrible odour of cheese right under my nose.
XANTHIAS. And he refused to share with me. And yet can anyone style himself your benefactor, when he does not cast a morsel to your poor dog?
PHILOCLEON. Then he has not shared?
XANTHIAS. Not with me, his comrade.
PHILOCLEON. Then his madness is as hot as my lentils.
BDELYCLEON. In the name of the gods, father! No hurried verdict without hearing the other side!
PHILOCLEON. But the evidence is plain; the fact speaks for itself.
XANTHIAS. Then beware of acquitting the most selfish of canine gluttons, who has devoured the whole cheese, rind and all, prowling round the platter.
PHILOCLEON. There is not even enough left for me to fill up the chinks in my pitcher.
XANTHIAS. Besides, you must punish him, because the same house cannot keep two thieves. Let me not have barked in vain, else I shall never bark again.
PHILOCLEON. Oh! the black deeds he has just denounced! What a shameless thief! Say, cock, is not that your opinion too? Ha, ha! He thinks as I do. Here, Thesmothetes!102 where are you? Hand me the vessel.
SOSIAS (Thesmothetes). Take it yourself. I go to call the witnesses; these are a plate, a pestle, a cheese knife, a brazier, a stew-pot and other half-burnt utensils. (To Philocleon.) But you have not finished? you are piddling away still! Have done and be seated.
PHILOCLEON. Ha, ha! I reckon I know somebody who will shit himself with fright today.
BDELYCLEON. Will you never cease showing yourself hard and intractable, and especially to the accused? You tear them to pieces tooth and nail.
PHILOCLEON. Come forward and defend yourself. What means this silence?
Answer.
SOSIAS. No doubt he has nothing to say.
BDELYCLEON. Not so, but I think he has got what happened once to Thucydides, when accused;103 his jaws suddenly set fast. Get away! I will undertake your defence.—Gentlemen of the jury, 'tis a difficult thing to speak for a dog who has been calumniated, but nevertheless I will try. 'Tis a good dog, and he chivies the wolves finely.
PHILOCLEON. He! that thief and conspirator!
BDELYCLEON. But 'tis the best of all our dogs; he is capable of guarding a whole flock.
PHILOCLEON. And what good is that, if he eats the cheese?
BDELYCLEON. What? he fights for you, he guards your door; 'tis an excellent dog in every respect. Forgive him his larceny; he is wretchedly ignorant, he cannot play the lyre.
PHILOCLEON. I wish he did not know how to write either; then the rascal would not have drawn up his pleadings.
BDELYCLEON. Witnesses, I pray you, listen. Come forward, grafting-knife, and speak up; answer me clearly. You were paymaster at the time. Did you grate out to the soldiers what was given you?—He says he did so.
PHILOCLEON. But, by Zeus! he lies.
BDELYCLEON. Oh! have patience. Take pity on the unfortunate. Labes feeds only on fish-bones and fishes' heads and has not an instant of peace. The other is good only to guard the house; he never moves from here, but demands his share of all that is brought in and bites those who refuse.
PHILOCLEON. Oh! Heaven! have I fallen ill? I feel my anger cooling! Woe to me! I am softening!
BDELYCLEON. Have pity, father, pity, I adjure you; you would not have him dead. Where are his puppies? Come, poor little beasties, yap, up on your haunches, beg and whine!
PHILOCLEON. Descend, descend, descend, descend!104
BDELYCLEON. I will descend, although that word, "descend," has too often raised false hope. None the less, I will descend.
PHILOCLEON. Plague seize it! Have I then done wrong to eat! What! I to be crying! Ah! I certainly should not be weeping, if I were not blown out with lentils.
BDELYCLEON. Then he is acquitted?
PHILOCLEON. I did not say so.
BDELYCLEON. Ah! my dear father, be good! be humane! Take this voting pebble and rush with your eyes closed to that second urn105 and, father, acquit him.
PHILOCLEON. No, I know no more how to acquit than to play the lyre.
BDELYCLEON. Come quickly, I will show you the way.
PHILOCLEON. Is this the first urn?
BDELYCLEON. Yes.
PHILOCLEON. Then I have voted.
BDELYCLEON (aside).