CHORUS. He has thought the thing over and has recognized his folly; he reproaches himself for not having followed your advice always. But there he is, converted by your words, and has no doubt become wiser to alter his ways in future and to believe in none but you.
PHILOCLEON. Alas! alas!
BDELYCLEON. Now why this lamentation?
PHILOCLEON. A truce to your promises! What I love is down there, 'tis down there I want to be, there, where the herald cries, "Who has not yet voted? Let him rise!" I want to be the last to leave the urn of all. Oh, my soul, my soul! where art thou? come! oh! dark shadows, make way for me!81 By Heracles, may I reach the Court in time to convict Cleon of theft.
BDELYCLEON. Come, father, in the name of the gods, believe me!
PHILOCLEON. Believe you! Ask me anything, anything, except one.
BDELYCLEON. What is it? Let us hear.
PHILOCLEON. Not to judge any more! Before I consent, I shall have appeared before Pluto.
BDELYCLEON. Very well then, since you find so much pleasure in it, go down there no more, but stay here and deal out justice to your slaves.
PHILOCLEON. But what is there to judge? Are you mad?
BDELYCLEON. Everything as in a tribunal. If a servant opens a door secretly, you inflict upon him a simple fine; 'tis what you have repeatedly done down there. Everything can be arranged to suit you. If it is warm in the morning, you can judge in the sunlight; if it is snowing, then seated at your fire; if it rains, you go indoors; and if you only rise at noon, there will be no Thesmothetes82 to exclude you from the precincts.
PHILOCLEON. The notion pleases me.
BDELYCLEON. Moreover, if a pleader is long-winded, you will not be fasting and chafing and seeking vengeance on the accused.
PHILOCLEON. But could I judge as well with my mouth full?
BDELYCLEON. Much better. Is it not said, that the dicasts, when deceived by lying witnesses, have need to ruminate well in order to arrive at the truth?
PHILOCLEON. Well said, but you have not told me yet who will pay salary.
BDELYCLEON. I will.
PHILOCLEON. So much the better; in this way I shall be paid by myself. Because that cursed jester, Lysistratus,83 played me an infamous trick the other day. He received a drachma for the two of us84 and went on the fish-market to get it changed and then brought me back three mullet scales. I took them for obols and crammed them into my mouth;85 but the smell choked me and I quickly spat them out. So I dragged him before the Court.
BDELYCLEON. And what did he say to that?
PHILOCLEON. Well, he pretended I had the stomach of a cock. "You have soon digested the money," he said with a laugh.
BDELYCLEON. You see, that is yet another advantage.
PHILOCLEON. And no small one either. Come, do as you will.
BDELYCLEON. Wait! I will bring everything here.
PHILOCLEON. You see, the oracles are coming true; I have heard it foretold, that one day the Athenians would dispense justice in their own houses, that each citizen would have himself a little tribunal constructed in his porch similar to the altars of Hecaté,86 and that there would be such before every door.
BDELYCLEON. Hold! what do you say? I have brought you everything needful and much more into the bargain. See, here is an article, should you want to piss; it shall be hung beside you on a nail.
PHILOCLEON. Good idea! Right useful at my age. You have found the true preventive of bladder troubles.
BDELYCLEON. Here is fire, and near to it are lentils, should you want to take a snack.
PHILOCLEON. 'Tis admirably arranged. For thus, even when feverish, I shall nevertheless receive my pay; and besides, I could eat my lentils without quitting my seat. But why this cock?
BDELYCLEON. So that, should you doze during some pleading, he may awaken you by crowing up there.
PHILOCLEON. I want only for one thing more; all the rest is as good as can be.
BDELYCLEON. What is that?
PHILOCLEON. If only they could bring me an image of the hero Lycus.87
BDELYCLEON. Here it is! Why, you might think it was the god himself!
PHILOCLEON. Oh! hero, my master! how repulsive you are to look at! 'Tis an exact portrait of Cleonymus!
SOSIAS. That is why, hero though he be, he has no weapon.
BDELYCLEON. The sooner you take your seat, the sooner I shall call a case.
PHILOCLEON. Call it, for I have been seated ever so long.
BDELYCLEON. Let us see. What case shall we bring up first? Is there a slave who has done something wrong? Ah! you Thracian there, who burnt the stew-pot t'other day.
PHILOCLEON. Hold, hold! Here is a fine state of things! you had almost made me judge without a bar,88 and that is the thing of all others most sacred among us.
BDELYCLEON. By Zeus! I had forgotten it, but I will run indoors and bring you one immediately. What is this after all, though, but mere force of habit!
XANTHIAS. Plague take the brute! Can anyone keep such a dog?
BDELYCLEON. Hullo! what's the matter?
XANTHIAS. Why, 'tis Labes,89 who has just rushed into the kitchen and has seized a whole Sicilian cheese and gobbled it up.
BDELYCLEON. Good! this will be the first offence I shall make my father try. (To Xanthias.) Come along and lay your accusation.
XANTHIAS. No, not I; the other dog vows he will be accuser, if the matter is set down for trial.
BDELYCLEON. Well then, bring them both along.
XANTHIAS. I am coming.
PHILOCLEON. What is this?
BDELYCLEON. 'Tis the pig-trough90 of the swine dedicated to Hestia.
PHILOCLEON. But it's sacrilege to bring it here.
BDELYCLEON. No, no, by addressing Hestia first,91 I might, thanks to her, crush an adversary.
PHILOCLEON. Put an end to delay by calling up the case. My verdict is already settled.
BDELYCLEON. Wait! I must yet bring out the tablets92 and the scrolls.93
PHILOCLEON. Oh! I am boiling, I am dying with impatience at your delays. I could have traced the sentence in the dust.
BDELYCLEON. There you are.
PHILOCLEON. Then call the case.
BDELYCLEON. I am here.
PHILOCLEON. Firstly, who is this?
BDELYCLEON. Ah! my god! why, this is unbearable! I have forgotten the urns.
PHILOCLEON. Well now! where are you off to?
BDELYCLEON. To look for the urns.
PHILOCLEON. Unnecessary, I shall use these vases.94
BDELYCLEON. Very well, then we have all we need, except the