EUELPIDES. Hence no doubt the proverb, "Cuckoo! cuckoo! go to the fields, ye circumcised."228
PISTHETAERUS. So powerful were the birds, that the kings of Grecian cities, Agamemnon, Menelaus, for instance, carried a bird on the tip of their sceptres, who had his share of all presents.229
EUELPIDES. That I didn't know and was much astonished when I saw Priam come upon the stage in the tragedies with a bird, which kept watching Lysicrates230 to see if he got any present.
PISTHETAERUS. But the strongest proof of all is, that Zeus, who now reigns, is represented as standing with an eagle on his head as a symbol of his royalty;231 his daughter has an owl, and Phoebus, as his servant, has a hawk.
EUELPIDES. By Demeter, 'tis well spoken. But what are all these birds doing in heaven?
PISTHETAERUS. When anyone sacrifices and, according to the rite, offers the entrails to the gods, these birds take their share before Zeus. Formerly the men always swore by birds and never by the gods; even now Lampon232 swears by the goose, when he wants to lie…. Thus 'tis clear that you were great and sacred, but now you are looked upon as slaves, as fools, as Helots; stones are thrown at you as at raving madmen, even in holy places. A crowd of bird-catchers sets snares, traps, limed-twigs and nets of all sorts for you; you are caught, you are sold in heaps and the buyers finger you over to be certain you are fat. Again, if they would but serve you up simply roasted; but they rasp cheese into a mixture of oil, vinegar and laserwort, to which another sweet and greasy sauce is added, and the whole is poured scalding hot over your back, for all the world as if you were diseased meat.
CHORUS. Man, your words have made my heart bleed; I have groaned over the treachery of our fathers, who knew not how to transmit to us the high rank they held from their forefathers. But 'tis a benevolent Genius, a happy Fate, that sends you to us; you shall be our deliverer and I place the destiny of my little ones and my own in your hands with every confidence. But hasten to tell me what must be done; we should not be worthy to live, if we did not seek to regain our royalty by every possible means,
PISTHETAERUS. First I advise that the birds gather together in one city and that they build a wall of great bricks, like that at Babylon, round the plains of the air and the whole region of space that divides earth from heaven.
EPOPS. Oh, Cebriones! oh, Porphyrion!233 what a terribly strong place!
PISTHETAERUS. This, this being well done and completed, you demand back the empire from Zeus; if he will not agree, if he refuses and does not at once confess himself beaten, you declare a sacred war against him and forbid the gods henceforward to pass through your country with standing organ, as hitherto, for the purpose of fondling their Alcmenas, their Alopés, or their Semelés;234 if they try to pass through, you infibulate them with rings so that they can fuck no longer. You send another messenger to mankind, who will proclaim to them that the birds are kings, that for the future they must first of all sacrifice to them, and only afterwards to the gods; that it is fitting to appoint to each deity the bird that has most in common with it. For instance, are they sacrificing to Aphrodité, let them at the same time offer barley to the coot;235 are they immolating a sheep to Posidon, let them consecrate wheat in honour of the duck;236 is a steer being offered to Heracles, let honey-cakes be dedicated to the gull;237 is a goat being slain for King Zeus, there is a King-Bird, the wren,238 to whom the sacrifice of a male gnat is due before Zeus himself even.
EUELPIDES. This notion of an immolated gnat delights me! And now let the great Zeus thunder!
EPOPS. But how will mankind recognize us as gods and not as jays? Us, who have wings and fly?
PISTHETAERUS. You talk rubbish! Hermes is a god and has wings and flies, and so do many other gods. First of all, Victory flies with golden wings, Eros is undoubtedly winged too, and Iris is compared by Homer to a timorous dove.239 If men in their blindness do not recognize you as gods and continue to worship the dwellers in Olympus, then a cloud of sparrows greedy for corn must descend upon their fields and eat up all their seeds; we shall see then if Demeter will mete them out any wheat.
EUELPIDES. By Zeus, she'll take good care she does not, and you will see her inventing a thousand excuses.
PISTHETAERUS. The crows too will prove your divinity to them by pecking out the eyes of their flocks and of their draught-oxen; and then let Apollo cure them, since he is a physician and is paid for the purpose.240
EUELPIDES. Oh! don't do that! Wait first until I have sold my two young bullocks.
PISTHETAERUS. If on the other hand they recognize that you are God, the principle of life, that you are Earth, Saturn, Posidon, they shall be loaded with benefits.
EPOPS Name me one of these then.
PISTHETAERUS. Firstly, the locusts shall not eat up their vine-blossoms; a legion of owls and kestrels will devour them. Moreover, the gnats and the gall-bugs shall no longer ravage the figs; a flock of thrushes shall swallow the whole host down to the very last.
EPOPS. And how shall we give wealth to mankind? This is their strongest passion.
PISTHETAERUS. When they consult the omens, you will point them to the richest mines, you will reveal the paying ventures to the diviner, and not another shipwreck will happen or sailor perish.
EPOPS. No more shall perish? How is that?
PISTHETAERUS. When the auguries are examined before starting on a voyage, some bird will not fail to say, "Don't start! there will be a storm," or else, "Go! you will make a most profitable venture."
EUELPIDES. I shall buy a trading-vessel and go to sea. I will not stay with you.
PISTHETAERUS. You will discover treasures to them, which were buried in former times, for you know them. Do not all men say, "None know where my treasure lies, unless perchance it be some bird."241
EUELPIDES. I shall sell my boat and buy a spade to unearth the vessels.
EPOPS. And how are we to give them health, which belongs to the gods?
PISTHETAERUS. If they are happy, is not that the chief thing towards health? The miserable man is never well.
EPOPS. Old Age also dwells in Olympus. How will they get at it? Must they die in early youth?
PISTHETAERUS. Why, the birds, by Zeus, will add three hundred years to their life.
EPOPS. From whom will they take them?
PISTHETAERUS. From whom? Why, from themselves. Don't you know the cawing crow lives five times as long as a man?
EUELPIDES. Ah! ah! these are far better kings for us than Zeus!
PISTHETAERUS. Far better, are they not? And firstly, we shall not have to build them temples of hewn stone, closed with gates of gold; they will dwell amongst the bushes and in the thickets of green oak; the most venerated of birds will have no other temple than the foliage of the olive tree; we shall not go to Delphi or to Ammon to sacrifice;242 but standing erect in the midst of arbutus and wild olives and holding forth our hands filled with wheat and barley, we shall pray them to admit us to a share of the blessings they enjoy and shall at once obtain them for a few grains of wheat.
CHORUS. Old man, whom I detested, you are now to me the dearest of all;