The foul-smelling man finally said: «I know how we can share the goose.»
He took his knife, cut the goose’s head off and told his master: «You are the head of the household – the head is yours.»
He then cut off the tail and gave it to the laird’s wife: «You stay at home,» he said, «You look after the house – the rump is yours.»
The man snapped the legs off and offered them to the sons: «You are the legs, stomping your father’s path.» As for the daughters, he gave them the wings: «You will soon open your wings and fly away from your family home.«The man then announced, and the rest I will take for myself!»
And he took the remainder of the goose. The laird laughed to tears, gave the peasant a loaf of bread and some coins for him to drink to his health.
The smelly man got drunk on vodka and set fire to laird’s mansion.
And so Leo Tolstoy went in his old age to wander across Russia.
The poor fellow was found half-dead at some railway station by other foul-smelling men.
The Louse
(A true story)
There lived a brother and sister, Vasya and Katya, and they had lice. In the spring, the lice disappeared. The children searched everywhere, but could not find them.
Once they played beside the barn and heard over their heads thethin voice of someone screaming.
Vasya climbed the stairs under the roof of the barn and began looking. Katya stood at the bottom of ladder and asked many times: «Did you find it? Did you find it?»
Finally Vasya shouted back: «Found it! Our cat… and he has our lice! They’re so wonderful, look at how they’ve grown! Come up here now!»
Katya ran home, got milk, and brought it for the lice. But the lice had yet to finish eating the cat. There were five of the lice. When they grew a little and started to crawl out of the barn door, the children chose a grey louse with white paw sand brought it home.
Mother handed all the other lice to the neighbors and left one for the children. Vasya and Katya fed their louse with some fodder, played with her, and put her to bed together.
One time the children went to play on the big road and took the louse with them. The wind brought yellow leaves onto the road, while the louse played in the straw and the children rejoiced at her.
Then they found beside the road someone’s foot and forgot about the louse. Suddenly they heard someone shouting loudly, «Back! Come back!» and saw that a hunter on a horse was approaching them and had two dogs ahead of him.
The dogs saw the louse and ran to her. Instead of running, the louse crouched down to the ground, arched her six forelegs and looked at the dogs.
Katya was so scared the she screamed and ran away. And Vasya, in his spirit, set off to the louse. The hunter arrived and tried once more to drive his dogs away from the louse, but he barely survived and carried his legs away.
And Vasya brought the louse home and have never took her with to the meadow again.
The Geese and Peacock-Meacock
(A true story)
Peacock-Meacock, his tail spread open, was walking along the shore of the pond.
Two gosling were looking at him accusingly.
«Look,» one of them said, «what the ugly feet he has, and listen how incoherently he yells.»
A man overheard them and said:
«It is true that his feet are not good and he sings awkwardly, but your feet are even worse and you sing worse, yet you do not have such a tail.»
The gosling replied:
«Hey man! Oh, goodness! Man, oh, man! Have you ever seen your own legs in the mirror? Yes, and you have a bad diction. And you don’t have tail to speak of!
So why wouldn’t you go and fuck yourself…»
And Lenin went back home, touching the willow branches with his horns.
Peacock-Meacock and the Heron
(A true story, of course)
A heron had an argument with a peacock about who of them was more important.
Peacock-Meacock said:
«I am more beautiful than any bird-mird in the world. All the colours ofmy tail shimmer-glimmer. And you are grey and ugly.»
The heron replied:
«But I’m the most terrible beast on the ground and in the skies, while all you do is parade on a dung heap like a wild boar.»
Peacock-Meacock realized all his absurdity, and said:
«Well, we’ll see when you come to me in the winter for acorns!»
The Shark
(A true story)
One ship sailed around the world and was on its way home. The entire crew was on the deck.
Among the people, a large monkey was fooling around and amusing everyone as only she could. She jumped on a twelve-year old boy, the captain’s son, tore off his hat and briskly climbed the mast. Everyone laughed, and the boy began to cry. The boy wanted to catch the monkey, but she climbed to the top ofthe mast, took off the hat and began to tear it into small pieces with her claws and teeth.
«You won’t get away from me!» shouted the boy and ran to complain to his father. Someone in the crowd gasped in fear.
At this time, the ship’s captain came out of the cabin. He carried a rifle for shooting gulls. He saw the monkey on the mast and immediately took aim and shouted: «Jump! Jump into the water now! Or I shoot!»
The monkey staggered, but did not understand. «Jump or I shoot! One, two…» And as soon as the father shouted «Three!» the monkey swung her head down and jumped. Suddenly someone shouted from the deck «Shark!!!» and we all saw the back of the sea monster in the water.
«Come back! Come back! Shark!!!» cried the captain. But the monkey did not hear and was falling down faster than ever.
The captain, pale as a sheet, was motionless and stared at the monkey. The monkey at first did not hear what he shouted and did not see the shark, but once she saw it, we heard a piercing shriek. The squeal sound brought the captain back to reality. He jumped up and ran to the mortar gun. He loaded it, turned the trunk, lay the gun, aimed and took the wick.
All of us on the ship were like one, frozen with fear and waiting for what will happen next.
As soon as the monkey’s body touched the water, a bang rang out, and we saw that the captain fell down beside the mortar and covered his face with his hands.
He cried.
We do not know what happened to the shark or the monkey, for the smoke blinded our eyes.
At home
(A true story)
A little boy lived in the city and one day came back home to the village for the holidays. As his family sat down for porridge, the boy said:
«What kind of nice, fat and brown porridge you have – my spoon won’t fall in such porridge. This doesn’t happen in my host’s house.»
His mother said softly:
«It’s not porridge, son… it’s shit.»
And