However, I do believe that the tide is changing. We are starting to hear rumblings of conversation, raised awareness, and people who are brave enough to step to the forefront of that conversation. And in having conversation, hopefully action can continue so that we can offer better care for those who struggle with depression and other mental health challenges. That is why it is so important that we continue these conversations ourselves. That is why I have chosen to write this book and to push through the discomfort and the tension that comes with tough conversations like this. If my voice, added to the chorus of voices that is beginning to rise, can help others know that they are not alone in their struggles, then I will bravely venture forward, battling through the embarrassment and shame that so quickly wants to take hold of my heart and push me back into oppressive isolation. It is worth the fight.
Because shame wants to do those things. It wants to pile up on our shoulders, daring us to give in to its lies. To bury us under the weight of its accusations and falsehoods. Shame tells us that we are not good enough, that there is something fundamentally wrong with us. That if we were just strong enough, we could just get over it already.
If you’re a Christian believer, as I am, you may even hear whispers from well-meaning friends about your faith being somehow lacking. Did you feel it? The burden of shame just got heavier as we regale ourselves with these very same self-doubting thoughts. As much as we would like to get upset at others for saying such things, the truth is, we are already saying them to ourselves.
And yet, from my experience, depression and even anxiety are rarely just faith issues. The roots run much deeper than whether you have a strong or weak faith or any faith at all. Depression and anxiety are complex and cannot be fixed by just praying more, reading more scripture, or going to church another night of the week. Now, before you slam the book shut and cry “heresy,” know that I am not saying those things are not important. In fact, I believe that God’s Word and prayer are key in this battle against depression. However, what I have come to know, through my own dark struggle, is that to make forward progress against the grip of depression and anxiety, it also takes a lot of intentional work and steps towards health and healing.
In all honesty, during the worst of my depression battle, I was certain that I was simply too broken to be loved by anyone. The friends I thought would walk with me during the hard times of my life were all of the sudden very absent. I struggled to understand the silence. I struggled to process the pain that came from the abandonment. I struggled to know what to do with the anger that filled my body and drove me to a deep, two-year silence.
(In Chapter 4, we’ll talk more about how to handle the disappointment and pain that occurs when others fail us and how sometimes those very friends may not be the people who can walk with you in this hard place.)
And while there will be those who, while they may not have walked your journey and may not fully understand, will choose to walk with you anyway, there are also those who do understand in a deeper way. People, like myself, who have journeyed as you are now. Others who have struggled in similar ways as you. How we got to this place of depression may look different, but there is a shared story in our pain. In fact, if you have walked very long in this place of depression, I can almost guarantee that you can look at someone and know when they are struggling. There is a look in their eyes that tells you of a deeper sorrow that goes beyond a bad day or a fleeting sadness. And you connect to that person not because your stories are exactly the same but because you know what it feels like to be in that place. It is in those connections that we find a commonality and a kinship—and come to know that we don’t travel in this place alone.
However, I want to be really honest with you. One thing I can tell you about this depression battle is that while others can travel with you, they cannot do the work for you. They may want to because they care for you, but the reality is, they cannot pick up your pain and carry it for you. They cannot shoulder the darkness and see it through to the light. There comes a point when you will have to pick up your head, stand up on your feet, and take a step. You will have to own your story, no matter how messy it is, and start walking.
And the walking will be painful, possibly painful to the point that you’d rather stay camped out in depression valley. I almost built a house there, so I know the temptation to just remain. Even if it’s painful, at least it’s comfortable and you know what to expect, right? Because the truth is, when we begin to work through the things that may have triggered or led to our depression, our pain increases as we take steps to address the wounds deep in our hearts and minds. And yet, it’s the only way I know through this dark valley. To lift your head, tilt your chin, and, with shaking fingers and shaking knees, say “yes” to taking those first steps–that first step when your brain is telling you to run, but your heart is telling you this pivotal moment matters and may never come again.
Despite the pain, what I do know is that as you start taking those steps, God himself will meet you there, if you will let Him. He may feel incredibly distant. You may be angry with Him for allowing this depression into your life. You may question everything you know about God or even doubt if He really exists at all. But that does not change the truth that I know. God has not left, nor will He ever leave you. He is ready as you begin to own your story.
Deuteronomy 31: 6 (ESV) says:
“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”
And then in Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV):
“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”
And can we just be honest? When you’re battling depression or anxiety, Scripture can be hard to receive. Really, really hard. During my depression battle, I often felt like those promises of God were for everyone except me. You know what I mean? When you sit in church and the pastor is sharing truth and life through God’s Word but the words feel hollow and instead choke your throat and tears seep from your eyes as you desperately try to grab hold of the words just out of your reach.
And yet, even then, God’s Word is for you.
His promises are for you.
Even if right now you are struggling to believe his Word for yourself, know that he sees you and continues to love you just the same. I can imagine that maybe the people of Israel faced some of the same struggles.
Looking at the Deuteronomy verse, we see that this promise was spoken through Moses prior to the Israelites crossing the Jordan River into the Promised Land. But here was the clincher. The part that maybe you didn’t know because maybe, like me, you hadn’t heard the whole context of this scripture before. Within that Promised Land, there were still battles to be fought and enemies to be conquered. It was not going to be an easy journey into the Promised Land. It’s because of the difficulties before them that God tells them to be strong and courageous, reassuring them that He would go before them and never, ever leave them.
The promise didn’t come to them in good times or after they had conquered the land. It came before they had done any of the work, had fought any battles, forded any streams, or slayed any giants. (Yes, there were actual giants in the land, descendants of Anak. Crazy, I know!) But just like you and I, the Israelites were at the beginning