But I found “no” hard to dole out, especially to those closest to me like my husband. When we married in 1996, I stood up in front of 250 witnesses on our wedding day and committed to love him and serve alongside him for the rest of our days. I had also stood up in front of our home congregation just a few years prior, when they commissioned us to the work of church planting, and I promised to be his helpmate in this ministry. I did not take these promises lightly and I intended to fill them with love, honor, integrity, and hard work. I was up for the challenge…or so I thought.
The truth is, whether you are running a business, planting a church, or raising a family, there is always more work to be done than hands to help. So every time there was a ministry need that needed extra hands or a side job came up that could use my help or the girls’ school just needed one more batch of cookies, guess whose hand went up in the air. Every. Single. Time. Looking back, I swear my arm was on one of those pendulum ball sets that you set on your desk to keep time. It’s fascinating to watch but a brutal roller coaster to stay on. That kind of roller coaster is where life found me that cold November day as I painted a house. One long brush stroke after another, I reflected on all the times I had handed out a “yes.” The list was staggering, and I knew deep down that this pace I had been running and this load I had been carrying were not sustainable.
But it would take the slow, rhythmic strokes of painting a house to finally bring me to that point of honesty.
That day in November, I was finally ready to admit to myself that I couldn’t carry the weight of all the tasks and commitments on my shoulders any longer. The reality became apparent to me. I was so out of balance that it wouldn’t take much to push me over the edge. The truth, that now so boldly stared me in the face and that I had worked so hard to ignore, was that if I didn’t drop everything right then and there, I wasn’t sure I would be alive the next year.
That realization was a scary and painful one for me. I had so much to live for, yet the life I was leading was one I could no longer manage on my own. In that moment, on that roof, I knew what I had to do. I couldn’t pretend any longer for myself or for anyone else. Enough was enough. I set my paintbrush down on top of the open paint can, pulled out my phone, and dialed my husband. I knew he was probably on a job site somewhere and might not be able to pick up the call. His workload was often heavy, and the demands on his time frequent. Part of me was desperate to hear his voice; the other part just wanted to run. It rang once, twice, and then his voice broke through.
“Hey Hon, how’s the painting going?” my husband said as he answered.
“I’m done!” I declared.
“Wow, great!” He enthusiastically responded. Getting this job done meant we could finally pay the gas bill that had been looming over our heads.
I paused, a bit frustrated that he didn’t catch my immediate meaning. With a bit of a panicked voice, I uttered, “No, you don’t understand. I’m still painting, but I’m done. I’m done juggling everything. I’m done. Really done. I can’t do it anymore. The church stuff. The business stuff. The house stuff. Everything. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore, and as of right now, I am dropping it all.” I paused before continuing, “I have to, or I’m not sure where I’ll be next year, Hon.”
The air between the lines hung with a palpable silence. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if this declaration would surprise my husband or not. For the last two years, we had often talked about how weary I was beginning to feel and how heavy the load was getting. We had spent hours walking around the cow fields at home, going back and forth about how to juggle this and that. Often our discussions ended in frustration as he failed to see my weariness and I failed to speak clearly what was in my heart. The reality was that he was feeling just as weary as I was. He was working long hours to provide for our family and shepherd a small church. He was also still working to process the years of loss prior to our move and trying to find some solid footing for himself. There just was not enough room for me to not be okay. He needed me to be okay so that he could focus on those other areas that were important too. But the day I called him from that shed roof was the day the harsh reality began to hit both of us that I was far from okay anymore.
It’s funny the things you can remember about a day. Have you ever had a moment that just etches itself in your brain? Sounds, smells, thoughts, and feelings. So poignant that the very memory of them makes you startle. Moments that years later seem as clear as the day you experienced them. That phone call to my husband is such a memory for me.
I feel the hesitation in my body just before I dare pick up the phone, my shaking fingers somehow dialing the familiar phone number. And that panicked moment when my brain said run and yet my heart knew that this pivotal moment might never happen again. Then the pause, and then a long press of the button, and, as it rings, practicing the words that seem so hard to get out. Words that, in essence, will say, “I can’t go on. Help me. Love me. Don’t leave me.”
In that moment, admitting to him that I was not okay was hard for me to do. I wanted to be strong for him. I wanted to shoulder the weight of life together and to be the best partner in marriage and life that I could be. But as hard as it was for me to admit that I was not okay, I realized much later that it was just as hard for him to hear. A few years later, after the worst of my depression had lifted, he would share with me that he was so caught up in taking care of everyone else that somehow he missed caring for the most important person in his life. My phone call that day shook him to his core, and he realized that much of the weight I was bearing was a result of him allowing it to rest on my shoulders. Guilt weighed heavy on him for years as I bore the brunt of, in his words, “what he had done to me and allowed to be put upon me.”
Breaking into the silence I continued shakily, “Honey, I realize this is not what you signed up for. When you married me and asked me to serve beside you in ministry, I was all in, but now I can’t go on anymore. So, if that means you need to walk away from our marriage then, okay. I get it. I failed. I failed you, and I failed God. It’s okay. I would completely understand. I’m sure you could find a better wife.”
And I waited. Waited with bated breath. Certain of his next words. In all honesty, I was fully prepared for him to walk away because, in my overwhelmed heart, my brain could only fathom one answer from him. The answer I felt I deserved for what I saw as my complete failure as a wife, mother, and ministry partner. And, in the waiting, I heard him catch his breath. Then he simply uttered these four words: “Babe, I’m coming home.”
And in that moment, as he spoke those words, it was as if I could finally exhale all the doubt, pain, shame, and failure I felt. I could finally let go of everything on my plate and just be. He was voluntarily choosing to stay, and in that moment, it was as if God whispered, “I’m not going anywhere either.”
You Are Not Alone
If you have picked up this book, my guess is that somewhere along the line you have struggled with depression or anxiety too. Across the many people I have sat with, exchanged messages with, or had conversations with, often it seems that depression and anxiety go hand in hand.
Maybe your depression battle is something that comes and goes, rising and falling with the season or life circumstances. Maybe you have been fighting for a long time. So long, in fact, that you can barely remember when it all started. No matter where you find yourself, I want you to know this one important truth: You are not alone. According to the World Health Organization, over 300 million people live with depression globally. Statistically speaking, one in four Americans will experience depression at some point in their lives.i Those numbers are staggering and growing every day, across every age group, gender, profession, financial status, and demographic.