No, the feeling cutting through her lungs now, tightening her throat and making her hands shake, was much worse.
But she only had a few moments before Carlos returned with Xavier. She forced herself to focus on her breathing, something she’d learnt to do when she’d taken over the crown after her father’s death.
When her heart, broken from her breakup with Xavier and from her mother fleeing, had beat so hard she thought it would explode from her chest.
She straightened her spine when she heard the knock on the door, turning in time to see Xavier stride past Carlos into the library. As it always did when she saw Xavier—despite the fact that their relationship now was only a political courtesy—her chest tightened.
She told her memories to stay where they belonged, but couldn’t help the relief that washed through her at his presence.
‘He’s not here,’ Xavier said immediately, and she tried not to wince at the tone.
‘He’s not. Which means—’
‘That he is renouncing Kirtida’s place in the Alliance of the Three Isles.’
‘I’d like to think that isn’t true. That Kirtida is still a part of our alliance.’ She saw a glint in his blue—almost grey—eyes, and tilted her head. ‘But his actions since he overthrew Jaydon speak volumes.’
‘Refusing our calls to set up meetings and refusing to see us when we resorted to just arriving at Kirtida in hopes of a meeting?’ Xavier asked gravely. ‘Tonight was the last hope we had that he’s willing to work with us, Leyna. So yes, I think his actions tell us exactly where we stand with him.’
‘If we assume he’ll withdraw—’ panic rippled through her chest again ‘—what do we do?’
‘We respond accordingly.’
‘How?’
‘We ensure that Zacchaeus knows the alliance between Aidara and Mattan is still intact. We ensure that our people know it, too.’
‘I’m sure there isn’t any doubt about that,’ Leyna said. ‘You are here at the dinner intended to do that very thing after all.’
‘It isn’t enough.’
She saw the determination in his eyes—in each of the once kind, now intimidating angles of his handsome face—and the relief she’d felt steadily ebbed. Her body tensed, and she saw that tension reflected in his tall, muscular frame, too.
‘What do you have in mind?’ she asked carefully.
‘Something that will leave Zacchaeus and our people without any doubt about the strength of our alliance. Something that will reassure our people that Kirtida’s absence from the Alliance of the Three Isles doesn’t mean they are unprotected.’
Silence pulsed in the room, and then Leyna said, ‘Tell me what you’d like us to do, Xavier.’
‘We should get married.’
Leyna’s thoughts immediately went back to that day on the beach when Xavier had proposed to her.
Her knees nearly buckled and she turned away from him and walked straight onto the balcony. She gripped the railing and fought for breath. And then she fought to be free of the memories.
They were vicious, she thought, and crept up on her when she least wanted them to. She’d only been fooling herself with her hope that they’d stay in the past. But she’d been desperate. Perhaps because she knew every moment she spent with Xavier would threaten to draw her back into what could have been.
She couldn’t afford for that to happen. She couldn’t afford to think about the hope, the love, that she’d felt on the day he’d proposed to her. If she did, she would inevitably think of the cold feeling that had come over her when Carlos had first called her ‘Your Majesty’.
She would think about the days she’d spent in a daze of heartbreak, worsened by her mother leaving Aidara the moment they’d buried her father. She would remember the fear she’d felt about ruling alone. How all the warnings her grandmother had given her about Xavier had haunted her dreams.
And the utter devastation when she’d realised that she couldn’t be the Queen Aidara needed with Xavier by her side.
She took a minute to compose herself. When she was sure the emotion and memories were as far away as she could push them, she walked back into the library. Xavier’s face was stony, but just above his lip was a twitch Leyna recognised as anger.
‘How would that work exactly? Us, married?’
‘If we got married,’ Xavier spoke in a careful tone, ‘it would be clear—not only to Kirtida, but to the world—that Aidara and Mattan are united. And with our collective military, our resources, our people, we would be powerful enough to defend against anything Kirtida attempts.’
‘Marriages end, Xavier,’ she said in the same tone, and saw the heat of anger flare in his eyes.
Good.
‘Royal marriages don’t just end.’
‘No,’ she agreed. ‘But you and I both know we can’t anticipate what might happen in the future.’
Maybe bitterness spurred on her words, but she didn’t give it much thought. Whatever motivated them didn’t change that what she’d said was the truth. She’d seen it with her parents. Her father’s death had made her mother forget her responsibilities to the crown. To Aidara. To her daughter.
Granted, Helene had married into the royal family of Aidara, and hadn’t been Aidaraen herself. When Leyna was feeling sympathetic towards her mother, she thought it must have been hard for Helene to stay in the place where her heart had been broken.
But those times were rare, and quickly followed by the reminder that Helene had left her daughter to fend for herself in the hardest job in the world. Without any support.
‘What does that mean?’
‘It means exactly what I said. Marriages don’t last for ever. You know that better than anyone.’
‘Leave Erika out of this,’ Xavier nearly growled, and Leyna’s bitterness meshed with jealousy.
‘You’re the one bringing her into this,’ she said lightly. Carefully. ‘I wasn’t talking about your marriage—I meant the institution, not your spouse.’
She gave him time to process—though, if she were honest with herself, it was more for her to find her own control again.
‘What are you suggesting, Leyna?’
‘Only that marriage is not enough to secure an alliance. Especially a precarious one.’
‘So what do you want then? A child?’ he asked sarcastically.
She’d had a nippy reply on the tip of her tongue that disappeared the moment her mind processed his words. There was something in that, she thought. But, for the life of her, she couldn’t wade through the flood of emotions his suggestion had released to identify what that something was.
But, because she had to, she struggled through it. Through the hope that came from a dream she’d given up on a long time ago. Of being a family with Xavier. Of having children with him.
Through the sadness that had come with the realisation that that would never happen. Through the resentment that she would still have to carry a child—with some man who would be her husband though she would never love him—for the sake of the crown.
And again, through the resentment that she’d given up her dreams for the crown.
And then again, through the hope that maybe duty would make that dream come true after all.
‘It’s not a real option,’ Xavier interrupted