He wiped his hand over his face in a gesture of weariness and resignation that tore at her. A dark smear of soot swept right across his cheek.
‘Sandy, I need to let the fire department know they’re not needed. Then go get cleaned up.’
‘I’ll come with you,’ she said immediately.
This could be their last evening together.
He hesitated for just a second too long. ‘Why don’t you go back to the hotel and I’ll meet you there?’ he said.
One step forward and two steps back? Try ten steps forward and a hundred steps back.
‘Sure,’ she said, forcing the fear out of her voice.
He went to drop a kiss on her cheek but she averted it so the kiss landed on her mouth. She wound her arms around his neck, clung to him, willing him with her kiss to know how much she cared for him. How much she wanted it to work out.
‘Woo-hoo! Why don’t you guys get a room?’
The call—friendly, well-meant—came from one of the onlookers. She laughed, but Ben glared. She dropped her arms; he turned away.
So she wasn’t imagining the change in him.
She forced her voice to sound Sunny-Sandy-positive. ‘Okay. So I’ll see you back at the hotel.’
She headed back towards Hotel Harbourside, disorientated by a haunting sense of dread.
* * *
Ben hated the confusion and hurt on Sandy’s face. Hated that he was the cause of it. But he felt paralysed by the fear of losing her. He needed time to think without her distracting presence.
Thanks to this special woman he’d come a long way in the last few days. But what came next? Sandy deserved commitment. Certainty. But there were big issues to consider. Most of all the make-or-break question of children. He’d been used to managing only his own life. Now Sandy was here. And she’d want answers.
Answers he wasn’t sure he could give right now.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
SANDY WAS JUST about to turn in to the hotel entrance when she stopped. It wasn’t exactly anger towards Ben that made her pause. More annoyance that she was letting herself tiptoe around vital issues she and Ben needed to sort out if they were to have any hope of a future together.
Ben needed to be treated with care and consideration for what he’d been through. But she had to consider her own needs, too. Decision time was looming. If she was to go to Melbourne and interview for the candle shop franchise she had to leave here by the latest tomorrow morning.
She turned right back around and headed down the steps to the beach.
The heat was still oppressive, the sand still warm. At this time of year it wouldn’t get dark until nearly nine.
Before the sun set she needed answers.
She found Ben sitting on the wooden dock that led out from the boathouse into the waters of the bay. His broad shoulders were hunched as he looked out towards the breakwater.
Without a word she sat down beside him. Took his hand in hers. In response, he squeezed it tight. They sat in silence. Her. Ben. And that darn woolly mammoth neither of them seemed capable of addressing.
Beyond the breakwater a large cargo ship traversed the horizon. Inside the harbour walls people were rowing dinghies to shore from where their boats were anchored. A large seagull landed on the end pier and water slapped against the supporting posts of the dock.
She took a deep breath. ‘Ida wants to sell me Bay Books.’
‘Is that what you want?’ His gaze was intent, the set of his mouth serious.
She met his gaze with equal intensity. ‘I want to run my own business. I think I could make the bookshop work even better than it already does. But you’re the only reason for me to stay in Dolphin Bay.’
‘An important decision like that should be made on its own merits.’
‘The bookshop proposition’s main merit is that it allows me to stay here with you.’ Time to vanquish that mammoth. ‘We have to talk about where we go from here.’
His voice matched the bleakness of his face. ‘I don’t know that I can give you what you want.’
‘I want you, Ben. Surely you know that.’
‘I want you too. More than you can imagine. If it wasn’t for...for other considerations I’d ask you to stay. Tell you to phone that candle guy and cancel your interview in Melbourne. But...but it’s not that straightforward.’
‘What other considerations?’ she asked, though she was pretty sure she knew the answer.
He cleared his throat. ‘I saw how you were with Amy.’
‘You mean how I dote on her?’
He nodded. ‘You were meant to be a mother, Sandy. Even when you were eighteen you wanted to have kids.’
‘Two girls and a boy,’ she whispered, the phrase now a desolate echo.
‘I can’t endure loss like that again. Today brought it all back.’
She wanted to shake him. Ben was smart, educated, an astute businessman. Why did he continue to run away from life? From love.
‘I appreciate your loss. The pain you’ve gone through. But haven’t you punished yourself enough for what happened?’
He made an inarticulate response and she knew she had hurt him. But this had been bottled up for too long.’
‘Can’t you see that any pleasure involves possible pain? Any gain possible risk. Are you never going to risk having your heart broken again?’
His face was ashen under his tan. ‘It’s too soon.’
‘Do you think you’ll ever change your mind about children?’
She held her breath in anticipation of his answer.
‘Since you’ve been back I’ve thought about it. But four days isn’t long enough for me to backtrack on something so important.’
Deep down she knew he was only giving voice to what she already knew. She wanted Ben. She wanted children. But she couldn’t have both.
Slowly she exhaled her breath in a huge sigh. ‘I can take that as a no then. But, Ben, you’re only thirty-one. Too young to be shutting down your life.’
His jaw set in a stubborn line. ‘It wouldn’t be fair for me to promise something I can’t deliver.’
‘I...I understand.’ But she didn’t. Not really.
She shifted. The hard boards of the dock were getting uncomfortable.
‘And I appreciate your honesty.’
His gaze was shrewd. ‘But it’s not good enough for you?’
She shook her head. ‘No. It’s not.’
Now she felt the floodgates were open. ‘It was compromise all the way with Jason. I wanted marriage and kids. He said he had to get used to the idea. I moved in with him when I didn’t want to live together without being married. Fine for other people. Too insecure for me. But I went along with him, put my own needs on hold.’ Her attempt at laughter came out sharp-edged and brittle. ‘Now I hear he’s not only married, but his wife is pregnant.’
‘That...that must have been a shock.’
‘I can’t go there again, Ben. Can’t stay here waiting for heaven knows how long for you to get the courage to put the past behind you and commit to a future with me.’
Ben