Despite everything.
Because of everything, Raúl realised.
‘Why don’t you wait in the hotel?’ Estelle suggested when she could not stand him being in the room a moment longer. ‘I’ve got a room there.’
‘I want to wait with you.’
He headed out to the vending machine and she followed him. ‘I need some change,’ he said. ‘I haven’t got any pounds.’
‘Why would you make this worse for me?’
‘I’m not trying to make it worse for you,’ Raúl said. ‘I know this is neither the time nor the place, but you need to know that nothing happened except my asking a woman to kiss my neck and spray me with her perfume.’ He looked her right in the eye. ‘I wanted you gone.’
‘Well, it worked.’
‘I made a mistake,’ Raúl said. ‘The most foolish of mistakes. I did not want to put you through what was to come.’
‘Shouldn’t that be my choice?’ She looked at him.
‘Yes,’ he said simply. ‘As it should be mine.’
Estelle didn’t understand his response, was in no mood for cryptic games, and she shook her head in frustration. She wanted him gone and yet she wanted him here—wanted to forgive, to believe.
‘I can’t do this now,’ Estelle said. ‘Right now I have to concentrate on my niece.’
As much as Raúl longed to be there for her, that much he understood. ‘Do you want me to wait in the hotel or stay with you here?’
‘The hotel,’ Estelle said—because she could not think straight with him around, could not keep her thoughts where they needed to be with Raúl by her side. She wanted his arms around her, wanted the comfort only he could give, and yet she could not stand what he had done.
‘Could I get a coffee as well?’ Andrew wheeled himself over.
‘Of course,’ Raúl said as Estelle handed him some change.
‘Estelle, could you take Amanda for a walk?’ Andrew asked. ‘Just get her away from the waiting room. Her parents are driving her crazy, asking how much longer it will be.’
‘Sure.’
Estelle’s eyes briefly met Raúl’s, warning him to be gone by the time she returned, and Raúl knew the fight he had on his hands. He watched as Estelle suggested a walk to Amanda and he saw a family in motion, supporting each other, a family that was there for each other. A family who helped, who fixed—or tried to.
He looked to Andrew. ‘You have the best sister in the world.’
‘I know,’ Andrew said. ‘I’d do anything for her.’
As would Estelle for him, Raúl thought. She’d sold her soul to the devil for her family, but now he understood why.
‘I am going to wait in the hotel,’ Raúl said. ‘I didn’t sleep at all last night.’
‘I know.’ Andrew nodded. ‘I’m sure Estelle will keep you up to date.’
‘What hotel is she staying at?’
‘Over the road,’ Andrew told him. ‘Good luck—I’m sure it’s not at all what you’re used to.’
‘It will be fine.’
‘You just wait.’ Andrew gave a pale smile. ‘I had to wait fifteen minutes just for them to find a ramp.’
They chatted on for a while—Andrew trying to keep his mind out of the surgery, Raúl simply because Andrew wanted to talk.
‘I had my reservations about the two of you at first,’ Andrew admitted. ‘You’re so opposite.’
And then Raúl found out from his wife’s brother just how much Estelle hated clubs and bars, found out exactly the lengths she had gone to for her family.
There was one length she would not go to, though. Raúl was certain of that now.
He walked alongside Andrew’s chair, down long corridors, past the operating theatres and Intensive Care, and back again a few times over—until he saw Estelle returning and knew it was better for her that he leave.
* * *
He paced the small hotel room, waiting for news—because surely it was taking too long. It was now nine p.m., and he was sick to his stomach for a baby he had never met and a family he wanted to be a part of.
‘She made it through surgery.’
Raúl could hear both the relief and the strain in Estelle’s voice when the door opened.
‘When did she get out of Theatre?’
‘About six.’ She glanced over to him. ‘Was I supposed to ring and inform you?’
He could hear the sarcasm in her voice. ‘I just thought it was taking too long. I thought…’
‘I’m sorry.’ Estelle regretted her sarcastic response—she could see the concern on his face was genuine. ‘It was just a long wait till they let Andrew and Amanda in to see her. They’ve only just been allowed.’
‘How is she?’
‘Still here.’ Estelle peeled off her clothes. ‘I’ve lost my phone charger. I gave Andrew your number in case anything happens overnight.’
It was, though she would never admit it, a relief to have him here, to know that if the phone rang in the night he would be the one to answer it. It was a relief, too, to sink into bed and close her eyes, but there was something that needed to be dealt with before the bliss of sleep.
‘I’m not going to tell them we’re over yet,’ Estelle said. ‘It would be too much for them to deal with now. But after we visit in the morning can you make your excuses and leave.’
‘I want to be here.’
‘I don’t want you here, though, and given what’s happened you don’t own me any more.’ She stared into the dark. ‘Exclusive, remember?’
‘I’ve told you—nothing happened,’ Raúl said. ‘Which means I do still own you.’
‘No,’ Estelle said, ‘you don’t. Because whatever went on I’ve decided that I don’t want your money. It costs too much.’
‘Then pay me back.’
‘I will…’ she attempted, but of course a considerable amount had already been spent. ‘I fully intend to pay you back. It just might take some time.’
‘Whatever you choose. But it changes nothing now, Estelle…’ He reached for her, wanted to speak with her, but she shrugged him off and turned to her side.
‘I’d like the night off.’
‘Granted.’
She woke in his arms and wriggled away from them, and then rang her brother. Raúl watched as she went to climb out of bed, saw the extra heaviness to her breasts and the darkening pink of her areolae, and he loved her all the more for not telling him, for guarding their child from the contract that had once bound them. It was the only leverage he had.
‘You’ll leave after visiting?’ Estelle checked.
‘Why would I leave my wife at a time like this?’ Raúl asked. ‘I’m not going anywhere, Estelle.’
‘I don’t want you here.’
‘I don’t believe you,’ Raúl said. ‘I believe you love me as much as I love you.’
‘Love