Josh heard him. Knew he was speaking the truth. If Micah had been the one on the phone with Drew, he wouldn’t have placed the blame on her shoulders. But even if it could all be reasoned away, he still couldn’t get past the guilt or the promise he’d made.
“Did he die quickly? Did he say anything?” Josh had never considered the fact that he was the only one aware of Drew’s last moments. It had all been a mystery to his family and friends. He was selfish for keeping it secret all these years.
“It was pretty quick. It all happened so fast. It could have been mere seconds, but it felt like an eternity. Hearing him and not being able to do anything... He didn’t say much. Each word was a struggle. But Micah’s name was the last he said.” He leaned back into the couch, emotionally depleted. “Jamie, I made a promise then and there that I would always protect her, and that included protecting her from me. Which, obviously, I’ve failed at.”
“Josh, I can’t say I would have handled it any differently, but still... Listen, we’ve been talking to Micah about letting go and moving on, and she’s finally doing it. Now I think it’s your turn. Drew would never have blamed you for what happened. It’s time you let that go.”
Talking had helped get it all out there so he could finally work through it. Jamie was right. He did need to let it go. For himself. For Micah.
He only wanted to do what was best for her. She deserved more than what he had to offer. Even days after the mistaken text message, the fact that she had said she had fallen in love with him still hadn’t sunk in yet. How could this be? He wasn’t deserving of someone like her. He didn’t deserve to be loved like that.
He knew women found him attractive, wanted to date him, but they did not fall in love with him. He usually did something to screw it up long before they got to that point.
So when had it happened with Micah? Was it really possible that she had seen past his idiocy and in spite of his numerous flaws had really fallen in love with him? She knew him better than anyone, better than most of his family, and still she claimed to love him.
It blew his mind.
Should he tell her? Would she still love him after she knew the truth?
He felt it was only right that she know everything once and for all. If she could so bravely reveal her heart to him, the least he could do was tell her the truth.
While men fought over a football on the television screen and Jamie sat beside him feigning interest in the game, Josh grew closer and closer to a decision. He knew well Jamie was just biding his time until Josh came to the right conclusion.
“I should talk to her,” Josh finally said.
“You should.”
The more time that had passed, the closer he was to doing something about it. He needed some courage and clarity of mind.
Josh knew that if he broke her heart, he would never forgive himself. But he also knew that if he let this moment pass him by and watched as some other man came and stole her away, he would regret it for the rest of his days. He had nothing left to lose.
“This is crazy. I have never had a problem talking to a woman before. Why am I so worked up over her?”
“Because she’s not just any girl. She’s Micah.”
He did not want to admit it out loud, but it scared him to death. Nothing had frightened him more in his entire life than the thought of facing Micah and telling her that he had lied. He could not imagine the amount of courage it would take to tell her that he was in love with her and had been since the moment he laid eyes on her.
He remembered the first day he met her. She’d been so vibrant, with her fiery hair flowing wildly in the wind. Her soft brown eyes turned a glowing shade of bronze when the sun hit her just right. She was carefree in her cotton, summery dress that seemed to dance in the breeze. He remembered the color, even—a jade green. He loved how it looked against her ivory skin and how bright it made her eyes look when you got close to her.
The jealousy he’d felt when he found out she belonged to another, to Drew, was like nothing he had ever experienced before in his life. The intensity of it had gutted him to the core.
But that was just it. She didn’t belong to anyone. She didn’t belong to Drew and she didn’t belong to him, either. He had been trying to protect her, but instead had been controlling her. Regardless of how much she fought it, he kept treating her like a possession. She had a mind, a beautiful mind, of her own. She deserved to know all of the facts. She deserved to be able to make the decision for herself.
Ah! He felt like such a dumb ass. When it came to Micah, he just couldn’t think straight. He needed to talk to her.
When he finally came to a decision, he stood up and walked out the door without another word to Jamie. He was sure he could figure out what was about to happen.
Josh found himself standing in front of the door to Micah’s apartment. He wasn’t sure how long he had been standing there—at least several minutes—trying to gather up the nerve to knock.
His stomach churned. His hands felt tingly as the adrenaline pumped through his veins. In his line of work, he went head-to-head with serious fires and life-and-death situations, but this five-foot-six-inch fiery redhead had to be the scariest encounter he had ever faced.
Josh took in a deep, stabilizing breath before lifting his hand and knocking on the door. He heard footsteps. His heartbeat became so loud it drowned out the noise. The door opened; he held his breath. When he saw Sabina on the other side of the threshold, he let it out in a whoosh.
“Is Micah around?”
“Is Micah around? You’ve got some nerve showing up h—”
“Sabina, I don’t really feel like getting into it with you right now. I just need to talk to her.”
“Well, I am thinking you pretty much screwed up your chance to talk to her the other night.”
“Come on, just let me in.”
“I would, but she’s not even here. She went out with Hanna.” Then, as if she needed to throw salt in the wound, she said, “She went to meet some new guys. It is about time she met someone decent.”
“Listen, I know you have never been fond of me and we have had our differences. And I will be the first to say that Micah deserves more than what I have to offer, but I do love her. I am a stupid idiot and I may have ruined everything, but I need to at least make it right.”
“That is sweet and everything, but for real, she is not here. I think you’ve missed your shot, buddy.” Sabina closed the door on him, leaving him staring at the fall wreath that hung on the door.
He took a step back and was met with the wall. Leaning against it, he slowly lowered himself to the floor. What was he doing? He should leave. He should pretend he had not let Jamie talk him into this ridiculous idea. Micah would never know. He could text Sabina and ask her to keep quiet—judging by her reaction to him, like a mama bear protecting her baby, he knew she would agree and keep it between them.
He brought his knees up, propped his elbows on them and dropped his head in his hands. He really should just leave, but he couldn’t do it. He needed to see her the way he needed his next breath. Nothing would ever be the same if she was not a part of his life.
* * *
Hanna dropped Micah off after a night of failed attempts at meeting eligible men and maybe one too many cocktails. There were a few possibilities that she’d felt held some potential. But each guy she met would smile at her and flirt with her, but in the end they just came up short. One by one she knocked them down.
Not Josh.
Not