When he looked at her sometimes her heart raced and she believed that he did love her, but at other times she was uncertain. He would wed her rather than see her at the mercy of unscrupulous rogues who wanted her for her beauty and perhaps the fortune they imagined Lethbridge had left her—but Madeline wanted him to love her as he had before she married.
Perhaps if she was certain of his love she would be able to give herself to him...to welcome his touch in their bed. It was what she wanted, longed for—to be loved and to be able to love in return. Yet even the thought of intimate relations brought a rush of unwelcome memories, making her stomach twist. If she shuddered when Hal touched her intimately, he would be hurt. In time he would turn from her as her husband had and then he might hate her.
What was she to do if this feeling of being soiled never left her? Must she remain unwed and alone for the rest of her life? Tears caught at her throat, but she could not let them fall. She could not tell Hal of her fears—because she could not bear to see the gentle kindness in his eyes turn to scorn. How could she expect him to understand her fears...the revulsion for the intimate side of marriage that Lethbridge had instilled in her?
No man would continue to love a woman who could not bear his touch: it was not to be expected.
What would become of her if she sent Hal away?
She was a widow now and Hal would not be the only gentleman to admire her. If she chose to re-enter society once her period of official mourning was over, she might find a man who loved her for herself and took no account of her fortune or lack of it. In her heart, she knew there was only one man for her—but she was already in his debt and could not allow him to offer for her out of sympathy or a misguided sense of duty.
Oh, how she longed to be as she’d been when she was a young girl and first in love, when she had not known what it was like to be abused and scorned, to think of herself as worthless. Lethbridge had told her she was frigid, and could not give a man what he needed.
What if he was right? What if she could not make Hal happy, even though her heart ached with love for him?
Glancing sideways at his handsome profile, Madeline felt her love for him warming her, melting the ice she’d built inside as a barrier against pain. She hoped that they would have time to get to know each other again before Hal was forced to report to his regiment. Perhaps they might fall in love all over again...perhaps she would be able to make herself smile when he touched her.
She must conquer her fears. She was determined to put the past behind her. She would forget the things her husband had done. She would find happiness again...
Oh, please God, let her find a way to overcome this fear inside her.
‘Hal told us that he intended to bring you here,’ Jenny Miller said. She was a pretty, spirited girl and looked very happy. Madeline took to her instantly. ‘You are very welcome to stay for as long as you wish, Lady Lethbridge.’
‘Please, do not call me by that name—it is distasteful to me. I am Madeline or Maddie to my friends.’
‘Then I shall call you Maddie, if I may,’ Jenny said and took her arm. ‘I am sure you are weary from the journey and would like to go to your room and make yourself comfortable?’
‘Yes, I should,’ Madeline said gratefully. ‘You have a beautiful home, Jenny.’
‘Ravenscar Court is not truly our home,’ Jenny confided as they walked up the magnificent staircase arm in arm. ‘Adam is having some work done at his estate, and, besides, we are staying here to keep Lord Ravenscar company while his son Paul is in Italy. He has been in terrible affliction over the death of his eldest son, as have we all. Mark was to have married my best friend, Lucy Dawlish, and it was to be with her and attend the wedding that I came down. The tragic events of that time drew Adam and me together—and we feel we would wish to keep Lord Ravenscar from feeling lonely until Paul returns. We hope for his return by spring and then we shall take a trip to France or Italy.’
‘I heard something about Lord Ravenscar’s son Mark being foully murdered, but do not know the details,’ Madeline said. ‘Please tell me only enough so that I may not trample on his father’s feelings unaware.’
‘Mark was murdered here at his home,’ Jenny said. ‘Adam, Hal and Paul discovered the murderer’s identity and he has paid for his foul deed. But do not let us speak of it, for you have problems of your own.’
‘You must not pity me,’ Madeline said. ‘My marriage was not a happy one and I am relieved to be free of it, though shocked, of course, by the circumstances of his death. This other business remains a mystery for we do not truly know who tried to have me abducted, though we suspect it to be the Marquis of Rochdale.’
‘Adam told me that he knew the marquis to be a wicked man who might stoop to an act of this nature. You must be very careful not to give him an opportunity to harm you.’
‘Yes, I know. It is the reason I am so grateful to you for giving me a home until things are settled. I am not certain of my situation, though I hope to have a home of my own in the future.’
‘You do not wish to return to your family?’
‘No, I think not—if I have a choice.’
‘Is Hal to act on your behalf in the matter of your settlement?’ Jenny asked. ‘I know that Adam or Lord Ravenscar would be glad to help if you needed advice.’
‘I think my father intends to claim the estate in my name, but I need very little,’ Madeline said. ‘I dare say there may be papers from the lawyers to sign—and I should be glad of advice if Hal were not here when they came.’
‘He has promised to stay with us for a few weeks while his estate is being refurbished,’ Jenny said, smiling. ‘He and Adam are good friends and I think they intend to go into business together—and of course they both wish to be of help to their uncle until Paul returns.’
‘Yes, I believe Hal mentioned something of the sort,’ Madeline agreed. They had reached the upper landing and Jenny stopped outside one of the guest bedchambers. She opened the door and invited Madeline to enter. ‘This is one of my favourite rooms in the house. It is normally given to a couple, but it is large and I thought you would find it comfortable. If you stay with us some weeks, as I hope, you may spread your own things about and make it home.’
Madeline thanked her and after some more conversation, Jenny left her to make herself comfortable. Sally had already unpacked her small trunk but she was aware of how few clothes she had at her disposal. It had been well enough to wear the same simple dress for three days at the farm and then let Sally wash it, but it would not do here. Somehow she must acquire more clothes, even if it meant parting with some of her precious trinkets.
Madeline allowed herself a sigh. She did not wish herself in possession of a great fortune, but she could wish for some of the clothes and personal possessions she’d been forced to leave behind.
Her life was still precarious for she did not truly know how she was to go on in the future. She must discover how she stood with regard to the settlement that ought to have been hers from the start of her marriage and at least to recover some of her own things. If nothing more, she must be entitled to recover her clothes.
She would speak to Hal about it later, she decided. She ought to write to her father, but she did not wish him to demand her return to his house, which he had the right to do since she was not yet five and twenty and no longer a wife.
Glancing at herself in the beautiful dressing mirror, she tidied her hair and her gown before going down to join her hostess in the parlour for tea.
* * *
‘I