Would simple words of apology be enough?
Would telling her about the many times he’d picked up the phone and dialled her number even be adequate? Considering that he’d never followed through? He had always cancelled the call before she’d had a chance to answer. And all the emails he had sitting in his ‘Drafts’ folder, addressed to her, in which he’d struggled and failed each time to find the right words... The times he’d booked to go to the same medical conference as her, hoping to ‘accidentally’ bump into her, but had then cancelled...
She’d just call me a coward. She’d be right.
He had been afraid. Afraid of stirring up old hurts. Afraid of making things worse. Afraid of hurting her more than he already had...
Time had kept passing. And with each and every day that came and went, it had become more and more difficult to make that contact.
What would have been the point? He could hardly expect forgiveness. Or reconciliation. An apology would mean nothing now. He’d broken things so irrevocably between them. How could he fix them now? He had nothing to offer her. Not then and certainly not now. He was broken himself. And even though he’d known that, years ago, he’d still asked her to marry him! He’d forgotten himself and what he actually was in the madness of a moment when he’d felt so happy. He’d believed anything was possible—got carried away on the possibility of love.
But he didn’t expect her to understand that. They’d come from two separate worlds and she’d known nothing of his family life. Of what it was like. He’d deliberately kept her away from his poisonous family. Kept her at a safe distance because she was so pure, so joyful, so full of life, believing in happy-ever-after.
She still wasn’t married. And that puzzled him. It had been all she’d ever wanted back then. Marriage. And children. It was what she had thought would complete her. After all, she’d said yes to his proposal and then just weeks later had started talking about children.
That was too much. That smacked the reality right back into me.
That was when the full force of not having thought through what he’d done had come to the fore. That was when he’d realised he couldn’t go through with it.
For a man who was an expert in hearts, he’d sure been careless with hers.
And it had almost killed him to know that he was doing it.
* * *
The tea wasn’t great. But she kept sipping it, swapping hands as the heat from the boiling hot water burned through the thin cardboard cup.
She was beginning to get over the shock and was now feeling calmer. She could even picture in her mind’s eye dealing with him quite calmly and nonchalantly if he decided to speak to her. She’d be cool, uninterested, dismissive.
That would hurt him.
Because Gray liked to be the centre of attention, didn’t he? That was why he’d done all that crazy adrenaline-junkie stuff. He’d passed it off as doing something for charity, but even then he’d wanted people to notice him, to say he was amazing or brave. That was why he’d done Ironman competitions, bungee jumps, climbed mountains and jumped out of planes. With a parachute, unfortunately.
He had always succeeded. People had always clapped him on the back and told him he was a great guy and he’d thrived on that. Had lived for that, doing more crazy things despite her always begging him not to. Had he listened? No.
So her ignoring him? Choosing not to notice him? That would have to sting a little.
Gray was an attractive man. Usually the most attractive man in a room. And he wasn’t just a pretty face, but a brilliant cardiologist, too—getting his papers published in the most prestigious medical journals, trying out new award-winning surgeries, being the toast of the town.
He could at least have had the decency to fail at something.
And not once had he called, or apologised, or explained. Even his family hadn’t had a clue—not that they’d spoken much to her. Even before the wedding. Perhaps that had been a clue?
Beau risked a quick glance at him, feeling all the old hurts, all the old pains, all the grief that she’d tried so unsuccessfully to pack away come pouring out as if they’d had the bandages ripped from them, exposing her sore, festering wounds.
She swallowed hard and looked away.
I will not let him see what he’s doing to me!
A rage she had never before experienced boiled over inside her and she suddenly felt nauseous with the force of it. She turned away from him, her hand trembling, and took another sip of her tea. Then another. And another. Until her stomach calmed and her hand grew more steady.
She let out a breath, feeling her brain frazzled with a million thoughts and emotions.
This course was meant to be an enjoyable busman’s holiday for her. Could she do it with him here?
There’s thirteen of us, including the guide. Surely I can just stay out of Gray’s way?
Beau had been looking forward to this adventure for ages. This was the moment her career and her life would take another direction and lead her to places she had never dared to go.
She’d thought about it carefully. Planned it like a military exercise. She’d excelled in her hospital work and was top of her game in neurology. Other neurologists who felt they could do no more to help their patients would suggest her as the patient’s next course of action. She was very often someone’s last chance at life.
And she excelled, knowing that. She lived for it. The staying up late, the research, the practice, the robotic assistance that she sometimes employed, the long, long and challenging surgeries. The eye for detail. The precision of her work.
Awards lined her office walls at home in Oxfordshire. Commendations, merits, honorary degrees. They were all there. But this...
This was what she craved. A week of living by her wits, experiencing medicine in the wild, using basic kit to attend to fractures, altitude sickness, tissue injuries, whilst hiking through some of the most stunning scenery on the planet.
Forget technology—forget the latest medical advancements. There would be no security blanket here. No modern hospital, no equipment apart from a few basics carried in a first aid kit and what she could find around her.
It was perfect.
Even if he was here.
High grey-white mountains, lush expanses of sweeping green and purple, firs and shrubs, thickets of trees hiding streams and geysers. It was a vast emptiness, an untamed wilderness in all its glory, and she would try to beat it. No. Not beat it. Work with it, around it, adapt it to her needs so she could succeed and get another certificate for her wall. Another trophy so that she could think about applying for Base Camp, Everest. So she could work at the hospital there.
That small medical tent, perched on the base of one of the world’s greatest wonders—that was her real aim. Her next anticipated accomplishment.
And there was no way she was going to let all that be ruined by the one man she’d once stupidly fallen in love with and given her heart to. The one man who had broken her into a million pieces. Pieces she still often felt she was still picking up.
She was still trying to prove to the world that she did have value. That she was the best choice. The only choice. His rejection of her had made her a driven woman. Driven to succeed at everything. To prove that he’d made a mistake in his choice of leaving her behind. To prove her worth.
Because I’m worth more than you, Gray. And I’ll prove it to you.
* * *
‘Yellowstone National Park is a vast natural preserve, filled with an ecosystem and diverse wildlife that, if you’re not careful, is designed to kill you.’
Mack,