The Highly Sensitive Man. Tom Falkenstein

I’m quite reserved, quiet, and need harmony in my life. I think a lot about my emotional life, practice yoga and meditation, and am interested in spiritual things. I react sensitively to physical violence or shocking images in, for instance, films. I’m also not very interested in cars or technical things, and my physical build is quite slim. At the same time, I also have lots of “manly” characteristics and preferences, like football and drinking beer. I like to exhaust myself physically and can also be dominant and strong-willed. Generally, my sense is that many women, but also men, actually really value this mixture of “feminine” and “masculine” characteristics.

      How does your high sensitivity affect your relationships with other men?

      I have as many male friends as female friends and don’t see many differences in those relationships. In terms of my relationships with men, it could be a disadvantage that I have a strong need for harmony, have difficulties setting boundaries, and am not interested in competition among men. However, one advantage in the way I relate to other men is that I often pick up on things that they don’t notice about themselves, like particular feelings. For instance, my brother and my father—they both have a real flair for analytical thinking, but I would say that they find it hard to access their feelings, like anger or sadness. I feel like I’m sometimes able to help them by acting like a kind of “emotional mirror.” At the same time, I do think I have to be really careful with them and make sure I’m “speaking their language,” because I think I’ve been addressing my feelings in a far more direct way for a lot longer, including with two therapists. I’ve noticed that men who are comfortable with themselves and with their masculinity don’t have any problems with my high sensitivity and, in fact, are able to value it. On the other hand, men who have problems with their self-worth, if, for instance, they don’t acknowledge the shy or introverted sides of their personality, tend to demean highly sensitive characteristics in other men. I’ve experienced that myself regularly, also with women.

      How does your high sensitivity affect your relationships with women?

      I am often reserved and cautious when it comes to approaching new people and need a lot of time to open up. When it comes to talking to attractive women, to flirting and initiating intimacy, I’m often very hesitant and tense. In my experience, highly sensitive and shy men have a far harder time when it comes to all of that, because in our society it’s sadly still the case that people expect men to make the first move, to “bowl women over,” and to actively initiate sex. Because of that, I’m still quite unhappy with my sex life. But the moment that I’ve got past that first stage, then everything’s great, and I’m sure that my high sensitivity plays a role in that. I can have very intense, deep conversations with women about feelings, about spiritual topics and about relationships, and I find it easy to put myself in my partner’s shoes. I also experience sex with a woman very intensely.

      What are the advantages and the disadvantages of being highly sensitive at work?

      I recently started the training to become a masseur. My high sensitivity helps me to intuitively notice things about my clients. I’m very perceptive when I work and often need to process that, usually by taking a little break between clients. As a musician, my high sensitivity really helps my creative process: intuition, empathy, a feel for aesthetics and details, but also for the bigger picture, conscientiousness, and the ability to really immerse myself in my art. At the same time, my precision can also quickly turn into perfectionism. If I have to be the center of attention, have to present myself and sell myself (whether online or onstage), then I feel very inhibited and often get very nervous, especially if I have to stand on the stage on my own and sing. Because of this, I haven’t performed very much, which has held me back professionally. I’m currently looking for other musicians to play with me to help me deal with that.

      What’s your advice for other highly sensitive men?

      Unconditionally accept your own personality, your past, and your life story, as well as your present situation in life. Research your high sensitivity by reading books and talking to other people about it. I also think that positively reinterpreting life events from your past and your characteristics with your newfound knowledge about your high sensitivity is also really important. At the same time, you need to organize your own life according to your highly sensitive nature and stop trying to constantly fulfill everyone else’s expectations. Pay more attention to the signals that your body’s giving you and to your intuition, by practicing mindfulness meditation, for instance. And last but not least: take a walk in the woods—barefoot is best!