How had it all become so complicated?
The simplicity of it was that he could not remain apart from her. He did not wish to remain apart. He felt the meanest worm in the face of such loyalty. He must put some of it right with her—she deserved no less.
So Joshua knocked on her door and waited for a reply. Sarah had gone straight to her bedchamber without any attempt at conversation, which was signal enough that he would have to be willing to make amends.
She answered, he entered. She was sitting at her dressing table.
‘I thought you would go on to one of your clubs with Nicholas.’ She did not look at him, but kept her hands busy.
Took off her jewels and replaced them in their case. Began to take the pins from her hair.
‘No.’
‘I think we made a point tonight.’ She continued to place the pins in a cut-glass bowl. ‘I think that Eleanor would have been proud of me.’
‘Sarah—’
‘There is no need to say anything. I know that you cannot. But we have done what we can.’
She stood to move across the room to find a home in a little bow-fronted cabinet for her gloves and fan. But now he strode forward to take her wrist in a light clasp and pull her to a halt. Yet still she did not turn toward him. Nevertheless he would say what he had to say and try to bridge the yawning chasm.
‘You do not realise the debt I owe you tonight, Sarah. I think no man could ask more of his wife than that she stand at his side when any remaining honour attached to his name is destroyed. Yet you did exactly that. With such grace and dignity as I have never seen. I don’t know whether you believe me or trust me, but you made so public a gesture in my support…’ With firmer pressure, he turned her toward him. ‘I need to ask your forgiveness. I treated you abominably.’
‘I know you did. I suppose you had your reasons, even if I can neither understand nor accept them.’ She would not make it easy for him. Her eyes were accusing. ‘It would help if you told me the truth, but we have been through all that, have we not?’
‘Sarah… ‘ Never had he seen such a chill in her eyes, so stern a line to her lips. And it hurt to know that he deserved it, and far more.
‘I know. You cannot. Let us leave it at that.’ She made to pull away, but he dare not allow it. He took her hands in his so that he could face her squarely.
‘Then let me say this. I admire you, Sarah. My respect for you is beyond measure. Never more so than this night. Your bravery, your strength, your willingness to put yourself on the line for me. I tried to push you away. To keep the scandal from hurting you more. I find that I cannot do that.’
Sarah waited. Admired, respected, he had said.
Loved? Ah, no.
‘I need you tonight, Sarah.’ He hesitated, so unusual in this dynamic man. ‘I will not force my presence on you if it is distasteful. And in God’s name it must be. I would ask for your tolerance, Sarah, until I can put matters right between us.’
‘Will it ever be possible?’
‘Yes. I promise you.’
She watched, waited, thought of the weight of his words. Read the sincerity in his eyes, which gleamed true silver tonight. Sincerity, yes, but also a terrible uncertainty, which smote at her senses. A vulnerability that had shaken him to the core. It shocked her to see the rare emotion race across his face with vivid intensity. Her heart stuttered. However foolish, however naïve it might be, she trusted him. And would trust him whatever the world might say against him. She allowed her lips to soften, her cold face to warm into a smile. And allowed her woman’s heart to dictate her response. She could not refuse him if he had a need of her.
She opened her arms at her sides, almost a gesture of submission. Or was it invitation. For if she trusted him to have committed no evil act, she must surely trust him with the safekeeping of her body and her clamouring emotions. It was time that she had the courage to respond to his love making, to claim her own needs. It was more than time. She forced herself to continue to hold his gaze
‘Then come.’ Her voice was soft, full of feminine allure. ‘If you want me tonight I will not deny you, but it is necessary for you to play the role of lady’s maid. You would not imagine the intricacy of buttons and ribbons.’ Then he caught the gleam in her eye and was able to breathe more easily. ‘But perhaps you are intimately acquainted with them. If so, it will on this occasion be to my advantage.’
Sarah’s deliberate humour sliced through the wall of tension between them so that he could step forward with a soft laugh and apply himself to the task. He was, she was forced to admit as she watched his bent head, remarkably skilled. Tiny buttons, delicate ribbons, they posed no problem for his clever fingers. Gown, petticoats, shoes, stockings, all quickly dealt with to give her no room for embarrassment, to be disposed carefully over the daybed. Until she stood in her chemise. He made to blow out the candles, as he thought she would wish, but Sarah had made her decision and now she stretched out a hand.
‘No. Leave one burning.’
‘Are you sure? If you are more comfortable without… ‘
Nerves touched her skin with delicate tremors. ‘No. Leave it. That is what I want tonight.’
So. A new Sarah, he realised. One who had thrown down the gauntlet in public and exerted her will this night. And one, it would appear, intent on continuing to surprise him. So he complied. She would have turned from him to walk to the bed, a chilly little action in itself if of no real moment, but this night he would not allow it. To turn from him, if only for a matter of seconds, was going beyond what he desired for himself, desired for her. He stepped after her and before she could slide between the sheets he took her arm in a gentle hold, drawing her around to face him.
Fingers brushed over her cheekbone and down, to the fine curve of her throat, then to cup the back of her neck beneath her hair. ‘You are a woman of many facets, Sarah. And a woman of outstanding valour tonight. If you will trust me with your reputation, don’t hold yourself back from me now. Let me show you what can exist between a man and a woman, without shyness, without restraint, without self-consciousness. Don’t retreat from me but let me pleasure you,’ he added as her lashes fluttered over her eyes in a moment’s insecurity as she felt the beginning of a deep blush at his seductive words.
The lashes lifted, the gaze now direct and steady, more than he could ever have desired when she had hidden her dreams from him. Sarah lifted her hands to place them flat against his chest and spoke, as he was quick to recognise, from her heart. ‘Very well. Show me the delights that can exist between a man and a woman. For my experience is shallow and my confidence low. So show me. But do not condemn me, I beg of you, if you find me less than skilful.’ And that was as honest as he could ever hope for.
‘Sarah. You still do not realise. I could never find you wanting. All I ask is that you will respond as your heart dictates.’
‘I promise.’
With a swift movement he loosened the chemise to let it drop to the floor, stepping back so that he might see her in the soft candlelight. It lit her slender, graceful figure in warm tones and deep shadow, first gilding her hair to rim her head and shoulders in pure gold, then the flame flickering