At the thought he lifted his head to smile down into her face—and froze as he caught the ghost of an emotion in her eyes, before she swiftly veiled it from him with her downswept lashes. Distrust, fear, despair? He could not guess. Even more, he dare not ask. And suddenly the notion of seduction, of submerging her misgivings beneath the pleasures of her body and his, drained from him. He could not. Not when she was being hurt through his own actions, his own inability to be honest. It would be a betrayal of everything he had hoped to offer to her in their marriage. A wicked destruction of her contentment and her peace of mind. What a cruel outcome it would be if his selfish actions wilfully led Sarah to give him her utmost trust. Perhaps even caused her to fall in love with him. Would that not make the hurt and pain the greater, when she finally learned the truth about his life, past and present? Because he had no doubt that it would be impossible for him to keep the truth from her for ever. How much less painful if he let her go now. Stepped back from her. It would make her unhappy. She would see it as a bitter rejection, all the more cruel since Sarah would find it difficult to accept rejection in so personal a matter. But at least it would not tear her emotions to shreds, bright silk rent by the sharpest of blades, as might happen if he allowed her to grow too close to him, to expect too much from him.
Joshua knew what he must do. He must distance himself from her so that the hurt should not be compounded. Until his own loyalties were no longer an issue to divide them. If that could ever be.
So Joshua’s fingers tightened on Sarah’s shoulders, but not to draw her close, rather to push her away. The smile died from his lips. He let his hands fall away. Stepped back. And again and again until the width of the room separated them. Despite the intense longing, it would be so wrong. And perhaps, after all, Sarah was only playing the role of obedient wife. How little he still knew of her. Did she hate and despise him for bringing this dark spectre of death and murder into her life, despite her protestations of belief and trust? So he must reject her, for both their sakes. He drank the bitter lees of the cup, of self-condemnation and contempt for his lack of choice.
‘Forgive me…’
‘Joshua… ‘ Disbelieving, Sarah held out her hands, aware of nothing but the distance that had suddenly opened between them and the cold weight of fear within her breast.
‘I have matters to attend to.’ Tall and straight, her lord continued to face her, face shuttered and cold, refusing to acknowledge her plea, resisting every need to close the space and enfold her once again into his arms. Better that she hate him, heap blame on his head, than that he take her to his bed with such issues between them.
‘Please.’ Soft, little more than a murmur, her voice reached him. ‘Don’t leave me like this. Do I mean so little to you?’ Never during their short marriage had she been so outspoken of her feelings, so uncertain of his response.
‘I must.’ He fought the temptation to rake his fingers in desolation through his hair, fought against the pain in his heart. How difficult it was to turn her away. But he would do it to protect her from further anguish. ‘Don’t look so tragic, my dear. Scandals always die a death when the next one surfaces to replace it. You will soon become used to the taint of scandal, now that your name is coupled with mine.’
The bitterness in his words scorched her. ‘No. I will not accept that.’
‘You were aware when you took my name that it was a tarnished commodity.’ He heard his cruel words, wincing at their power to hurt. But to fuel her anger would lessen her pain.
‘How can you do this? I do not believe it… ‘
‘You have no choice, my lady.’ He bowed his head, a curt cold gesture, and left her standing alone in the room.
Sarah was left to contemplate the cold ashes of the day, one thought following rapidly on the heels of the former. He had rejected her, with cruel barbs and harsh words. And why? What had he seen in her face to make him walk away? Whatever it was, he had misread it, for she trusted him with her life. One moment to hold and kiss her, passion firing his caresses, the next to walk away with such sneering disdain. Her fragile confidence, which had begun to blossom under his caring attentions, all but shattered. But she would not. She would not sink beneath spiteful gossip or bow to those who would destroy her happiness. She might not know the reason for his behaviour toward her, but of one fact she had total conviction—Joshua Faringdon was not capable of cold-blooded murder. It was not possible that she could have judged him so wrongly and given her heart to a man capable of such evil.
She allowed her mind to play over the tension-filled confrontation. When she had told him of the whispered accusations against him, a hard cold rage had touched his face. So much anger, yet not, she thought, directed at her. He knew more than he was saying, admitted it even, but she could not imagine what it could be.
Sarah walked to look out of the window at the darkening sky, watching the rain spatter on the glass and the trees bend before the icy wind. It exactly matched her mood, she thought as she wrapped her arms around herself for comfort. How was it possible that she could simply trust and love Joshua, accepting his silence, when he stood accused of murder? It was not reciprocated. She brushed tears from her lashes with the back of an impatient hand. He never talked of love to her. She did not expect that, accepted that he did not love her. But there were shadows all around them—so dark and impenetrable. Layer on layer, they invaded her mind. He was often absent, for lengthy periods in the day and without explanation. Letters were delivered to the house by elusive individuals who left no name or visiting card. It would seem that he had another life quite separate from her. Well, that should not surprise her. Of course he had business dealings of which she knew nothing. But what was it that he was not telling her? Did he not respect her enough to trust her with the truth, whatever it might be? Her mind returned again and again to that one concern. The fears would not leave her.
And she was being followed!
Sarah retreated from the drear outlook to sit on the little stool before her dressing table, her heart sore. She rarely wept—it did no good, solved no difficulties—but she wept long into the night for the man who now appeared, through his own choice, to be as far distant from her as the stars that shone with such icy indifference.
* * *
But when Sarah rose from her bed the following morning, it was to a new inner strength, a new resolution. She would not accept his rejection. She would destroy the distance of his making. If trust was to be an issue between them, she would show that it was not lacking from her side.
Her lord was in no better frame of mind. Joshua was left to contemplate the fact that his relationship with Sarah, still so new and untried, had been put in jeopardy by the impossibility of laying all before her. How could a marriage survive and bloom on lies and deceit? In truth he could not take her to his bed. Not with the weight of guilt on him. The rumours, as clearly intended, would blacken his name even more with the Polite World, from rake to murderer in one discreetly whispered on dit. Why should Sarah believe any good of him? He found himself confronted by a growing need to tell her the truth, to strip his soul bare and to appear a man of integrity and principle in her eyes. Little chance of that! Morosely he studied the blank sheet of paper on the desk before him.
Why should it matter what she believed? Why should it matter to him if he simply covered his tracks with a few well-chosen lies to prevent her from questioning him further?
Because you are falling in love with her, you fool. You need her to believe in you, see the best in you. As simple…and as complicated as that.
The little voice spoke insistently to take