She looked away. How would he feel if he knew that the things he considered foolish like laying out on the floor actually made him more attractive to her?
She shifted the conversation back to Bella, the reason she’d stayed. “You also don’t have a reputation to ruin with Bella. No matter what you do, this baby will love you.” She reached in and tickled Bella’s tummy. “Just as you are.”
The idea that someone could love him just as he was stopped Matt cold. He peeked under the desk, at the little girl happily gurgling as if she’d found heaven. He scooted a little closer, looked at Bella with new eyes. Not as a baby who needed his protection, but as someone who would love him.
Just as he was.
Nobody had ever loved him just as he was. Even Ginny wanted him to change. That was why they’d divorced. She’d wanted a more attentive, loving husband. He’d been as closed off as a man could get. And even when he tried to be more honest, more receptive, he couldn’t take those final steps.
He peeked at Claire. “No matter what I do…she’ll love me?”
Claire smiled. “Yes. As long as you love her.”
“I’ve never really been good at love.”
She shrugged. “There is no such thing as good or bad in love. There’s just love. If you love this little girl, she will know it and she will respond.”
Bella cooed with happiness. He imagined her first birthday, imagined her learning to walk, learning to talk, turning to him for help and guidance and affection. And hugging him. Returning the love and affection he gave her.
Unimaginable warmth filled him. Along with a mountain of regret.
He swallowed hard. “I didn’t really love her mom the way she needed to be loved.”
“Obviously, you did something right. She left her child in your care.”
“What I did right was stay friends with her.” He peeked over at Claire. “And her new husband. Oswald was a great guy. A smart guy. But he always just missed the boat when it came to the big deals. So I let him sell me this house.” He glanced around at it. “And having both the sale of this house and a sale to me to put on his résumé gave him the leg up he needed. When he…” He swallowed, unable to say died. Instead, he said, “This time last week he was one of the biggest real-estate brokers in Boston.”
She put a comforting hand on his arm. “That’s a great story.”
“That’s the only reason my ex-wife stayed friends with me. I felt I owed her so I helped her new husband. I considered the score settled. They felt I’d gone above and beyond the call of duty and made me their new best friend.”
Claire shook her head. “You’re so down on yourself. Did you ever stop to think that maybe they liked you?”
“Wall Street’s Iceman? The guy who broke Ginny’s heart?” He snorted a laugh. “I doubt it.”
“I think you’re selling yourself short.”
There she was again, seeing the good in him. She didn’t understand how cool and distant he was, even though she’d said she did after their kiss at her apartment. He had to remind her she wasn’t magically going to find his nice side, or she would get hurt.
He caught Claire’s gaze. “I loved my ex-wife. I truly did. But being dedicated to work, I ignored her. She had seen I wasn’t capable of real love and she moved on. I didn’t fault her for that. I didn’t blame her. But she knew me. The real me. The me who doesn’t love.”
Claire ran a finger down Bella’s chubby arm, making the baby giggle. “Look at this sweet child. Do you really believe your ex-wife would have left her in your care if she genuinely believed you were incapable of loving her?”
“Maybe she left Bella with me because I have money enough to get her a good nanny, buy her everything she needs, see that she gets into a good university.”
Claire gasped, clearly offended by his interpretation of Ginny’s motives. “That’s not how moms think! More than money, more than nannies, more than grand houses and fancy educations, babies need love. Mommies know that. Ginny wouldn’t have left Bella in your care if she believed you couldn’t love her.”
Real fear tightened Matt’s chest. He could care for this baby. He could give her affection. Giving her affection seemed to come naturally. But real love? That wasn’t in the cards. Ginny would have known that.
“Ginny didn’t believe I could love. She made me guardian only because she needed a name to put in her will. She never suspected she was going to die. Otherwise, she would have thought this through—found someone better to raise her daughter.”
His solid, certain voice could have convinced Claire he was right…except she knew moms. They did not leave their babies with just anyone. They didn’t make guardianship decisions lightly. Unfortunately, he wasn’t in the mood to hear that, so she didn’t reply.
Still, looking at him, reclining on the floor, watching the baby under his desk, waiting for his chance to learn how to change a diaper, she frowned. Very few people probably saw him this relaxed, but his ex-wife would have. She would have been with him in all kinds of situations and would have known him better than anybody ever had.
Ginny had to have seen something in him that nobody else saw.
And if she did see Matt as a man capable of loving a little girl enough to raise her, what would it take to bring out whatever Ginny had seen in him?
She didn’t know. But the part of her that loved Bella knew she had to figure that out. She had the rest of the week. Plenty of time to push him a bit. But later. When he’d be a bit more receptive. There were lots of other, less threatening, less personal things they could discuss now to relax him. Get him to trust her. Before she began probing for whatever it was Ginny had seen in him.
“Speaking of big fancy houses not being what babies need, you might want to make a few kid-friendly places for Bella.”
He glanced over. “Kid-friendly?”
“I think you’ll need a playroom for her. You’ll probably want a big family room…somewhere the two of you can play board games or video games and watch TV.”
“Maybe foosball? Or ping pong.”
“Sure. Whatever you want. Your best conversations with her will happen while you’re doing something else.”
“Makes sense.”
The room got quiet. Bella happily sucked on her rattle. Claire once again searched her brain for something Bella-related to discuss, and realized he’d never made firm plans about his trip the following week. If he would be taking Bella to Texas, then teaching him how to travel with a baby ranked almost as high as demonstrating how to change a diaper.
“So what about the reunion in Texas? You said you might not go.”
He sighed. “I have to go. I promised my sisters, Ellie, Charlotte and Alex.”
“Ah.” So he would need help.
“Don’t make too much of that.”
“That’s okay. I’m not interested in your family as much as I am in helping you plan for the trip. You’re probably going to need a baby carrier and lots more clothes.”
He shrugged. “The temporary nanny should be able to help me with that, though, right?”
Her cheeks heated. Why did she keep forgetting he’d be replacing her? Was it because she wanted to see him raise Bella on his own—or because