‘Really? What’s your limit?’
She ignored the innuendo and answered honestly. ‘I still get a bit scared of heights.’
‘Still?’
‘I get a bit funny in the tummy but most of the time I can manage to control it.’ She eased back more as she came to a badly bogged bit. ‘My dad is really into rock-climbing and mountaineering and stuff. He’d be in his element here.’
‘You go climbing with him?’
‘When I was younger I did,’ she said briefly. ‘If I wanted to spend time with him, he was usually somewhere precarious so I had to suck it up.’
‘And you wanted to spend time with him?’
‘Sure.’ He was her dad. All her life she’d wanted his attention and approval—until she’d grown up enough to accept it wasn’t ever going to be forthcoming. ‘I’ve never really understood his need to conquer nature, though. I mean, yes, appreciate the beauty, respect the elements, come and enjoy it. But why does he have to beat it? Where’s the rush in risking life and limb? Man versus nature? Nature is always going to win.’
‘Hmm.’ Ruben grunted a kind of agreement. ‘Where does he live?’
‘He has an outdoor equipment store in one of those ski towns not too far up the road from here.’
‘Oh.’ A pause. ‘Did you want to see him while you’re down here?’
‘No.’
Another slight pause. ‘What about your mum? She’s into the outdoors too?’
‘No, she’s the total opposite. While Dad’s all mountain man, she’s city-queen. She lives in Sydney.’
‘They’re divorced?’
‘Have been for nearly twenty years.’
She heard his whistle. ‘How’d they manage to meet and marry in the first place?’
‘They were a fling, she got pregnant. They tried to make it work but, really, it was never going to. It would have been easier if they’d ended it sooner.’
‘But they wanted you,’ he said, as if that made it all okay.
Sometimes she thought it would have been better if they’d adopted her out to a couple who’d been desperate to have kids. Yes, she was grateful to them for making the decision to have her, but to raise her themselves? They were too selfish for that. Neither had wanted to give up the things important to them. Ellie had had to fit in—to tag along. But she’d never felt truly wanted, never once felt as if she could make them happy. Just once, just for once, she wanted to be the centre of the universe. Not to have to try to squeeze herself into some contortion to fit into the box of someone else’s life. Every kid wanted her parents’ undivided attention and love. No kid could ever have enough—especially if they’d been starved of it.
‘They did the shared-custody thing, but that was because neither wanted me full time.’
His grip on her waist tightened as he pressed in even closer. ‘What do you mean neither wanted you full time?’
‘I mean exactly that.’ Ellie hesitated—did she really want to go into this? Nothing put a guy off more than a woman who went on about her exes or unhappy home life. Men hated drama. And Ruben had already declared he wasn’t into the whole ‘being there’ deal. Given that, it was probably wise to talk about it. Tell him all the crap to turn his interest off and shore up her own resistance. So she slowed more so he could hear her easily.
‘You know, week about? One week with Mum, one week with Dad,’ she explained. ‘Everybody thinks it’s great. You get double of everything. Different rules, different homes. Supposedly you can get away with stuff because you say the other parent “would let you”. But for me it wasn’t like that. I wouldn’t have minded a few more rules—at least then it might have felt like they cared.’
Some spats between them, some arguments over her welfare might have made things seem more normal. But the arguments had been because both her parents preferred their child-free week. The week they had scheduled with her was the one that hindered them. She’d heard the whispered fury when one had tried to get out of a weekend or a week of responsibility. The annoyance of having to have her—that her presence meant ruined plans. They’d each wanted their time away from her so badly. So instead of doing what she wanted, she’d tried so hard to do whatever it was that they wanted to do. To blend, to be good, to please. The only thing that had been easy was the actual move. Trying to fit into each destination was the exhausting bit. In the end she’d just kept quiet in her room, watching her favourite movies. And when old enough, hanging with some girlfriends, and then finding attention in the arms of guys who wanted what she had to offer, but didn’t want to give what she needed.
‘You’re their only child?’ he asked.
‘Yeah, that’s a good thing given the way they were. But it would have been nice for me to have had company.’
‘So what, you have some Waltons family dream now?’ he teased.
She laughed. ‘I’m realistic enough to know that’s a fantasy.’
‘Hell, yes,’ he said with feeling.
‘How do you know it is a fantasy?’ she couldn’t resist challenging. ‘You’re an only child too.’
‘But I grew up down the road from a number of Waltons-esque families. And let me tell you, they were superficial images. I think it’s better off staying small. Very small.’ As in solitary. But even though he knew the answer, even though he knew this was a hopeless conversation, Ruben couldn’t resist asking her, ‘Are you into kids?’
‘I’m not sure. Probably not.’
‘Really?’ Most girls didn’t mean it when they went all definite denial. But Ellie hadn’t been definite; she seemed more thoughtful.
‘Not unless I meet the right guy, you know?’ she finally expanded. ‘He really has to be the right guy. I need him to be there and I need him to want the kid. It’s not nice not to be wanted. I want any kids of mine to have two parents who want them, who love them, who are there for them. For everything.’
Ruben understood—she wanted her kids to have the kind of parents she hadn’t had. He felt hurt for her, but impressed at the same time with her courage. Now she knew what she wanted and she wasn’t going to settle for less. Not for some guy like him. Because he already knew he couldn’t ‘be’ there. His one significant ex had wanted him to ‘be’ there—and that was just for her, not kids as well. If he couldn’t be there enough for a grown woman, there was no way he could be there for children.
‘I’m guessing you’re a no-kids man?’ Ellie sounded amused at his silence.
‘I like kids but they wouldn’t fit in my life. I’m not someone who can guarantee to “be there” for them. I’ve got things I want to do and I don’t think it’s fair to have a family when you can’t give them everything they want.’
‘That beck-and-call thing, huh?’ she asked dryly.
She might be all sarcasm, but he meant it. He didn’t want a family holding him back from all he could achieve. He didn’t have the ability or the desire to meet the demands of a long-term relationship. He’d tried it years ago with Sarah and failed miserably. And his father had succeeded in the relationship but failed on the business front. There was no such thing as managing it all. ‘I’m years off being ready for it in terms of my career and I don’t want to be old like my father was. I love him for having me, but I wish he’d done it sooner.’
‘So your mum was quite a