His thumb stopped and he squeezed her hand. “Did I say something wrong?”
“No, no, not at all,” she stammered, then cleared her throat as it seemed to suddenly become hoarse. “I’m just surprised, that’s all.”
“Is there a reason I shouldn’t trust you?”
“No!” She finally lifted her eyes and saw he was watching her steadily. Like he already knew the answer. “Of course not. It’s just…”
How could she explain what such a practical, simple act meant to her? That he trusted her to such an extent that she could use his money without asking? That it was one more thing binding her to him and giving her this uncanny sense of normalcy in an otherwise unorthodox arrangement?
“It makes sense, that’s all. I’ve taken you away from your income…I agreed to provide for you. That doesn’t mean you don’t get some say in the matter.”
“It’s more than I expected. You and your grandmother—you’ve been far too generous with me. She paid for everything this morning. I’m not used to that.”
Connor took a sip of his water, pulling his hand away from hers. “Don’t you feel one bit of guilt. Gram is having a ball. She hasn’t done this since…well, in many years. But she and Mom used to do it all the time.”
“They were close?” Alex prodded gently.
Connor nodded. “Yes, they were. Gram always said, ‘Melissa, you’re my best daughter.’ I think she always wanted a little girl of her own, but there was only Dad. She and Mom were peas in a pod. I think she was a little disappointed that one of us wasn’t a girl and she didn’t get a granddaughter to spoil.”
She smiled at the fond tone of remembrance in his voice. It was good he remembered the good times. She wished she could, but somehow all she seemed to feel was regret and a sense of being cheated out of something.
“Mom and Gram used to take little trips like this all the time…sometimes even for something as silly as buying school supplies for Jim and me. But they always had fun. Dad always said it was an excuse for them to get away from the farm for a day and treat themselves.”
“So that’s why you came today?”
He looked up and saw Johanna approaching. “I thought you could both use a little of that.”
She couldn’t believe she hadn’t considered it before. When Connor had lost his parents, Johanna had lost a son, daughter-in-law, and grandson. That pain had to be with her still.
“Have we ordered yet?”
“Just waiting for you.” Connor scooched over and made room for Johanna to sit.
“Whew. I worked up an appetite this morning. Haven’t had this much fun since—”
When she broke off, Alex looked up at Connor and was happy he’d told her what he had.
“Connor was just telling me about his mother. And how you used to sneak off for day trips like this.”
“Oh, we did. We always came back with more than we went for, but we had a ball. You’re a lot like her, you know.”
“I am?” Alex put down her menu and her eyebrows lifted with surprise. “I wouldn’t think so.”
Johanna laughed, the rusty sound that always made Alex smile. “Oh, yes. The dark hair, pretty eyes. But more than that, you’re strong. Stubborn, too, I can tell. And you have a big heart, Alex. I saw that right off. Don’t you think so, Connor?”
Alex dropped her eyes, both at the unexpected praise and the blatant attempt at matchmaking. Did Connor see that in her too? How could he, when she couldn’t see it in herself?
He covered the awkward moment with a laugh. “I certainly agree with the stubborn thing,” he joked, then related the tale of her first cooked meal, and how determined she was to conquer the kitchen. “If supper last night was any indication, your stubborn streak will serve you well. The ham was delicious.”
Alex accepted the compliment graciously, but wondered, as the server took their orders, if he did think she was much like his mother and if that was a good or a bad thing. His long leg bumped hers beneath the table and her stomach twisted. How were they supposed to come through this unscathed and unchanged? She was already feeling like a real part of this family, being included and welcomed…and the wedding hadn’t even happened yet.
Johanna changed the subject, asking about wedding details, and they got so occupied with the topic that Alex quite forgot her misgivings until later.
After lunch they left the mall, and after a few quick turns Connor parked in front of a small strip-mall, gave them his return time, and Alex found herself entering a formal wear store. Mannequins dressed in white gowns stood in one window, one with a tuxedoed man on her arm. Inside were two solid rooms of formal wear. She took off her shoes, gripped her purse nervously, and followed Johanna into the reception area.
“May I help you?” A young woman, dressed in the latest fashion, looked up from the appointment book behind her desk.
“Yes. Johanna Madsen, and this is Alexis Grayson. We’re shopping for a wedding dress today.”
“Congratulations!” The woman smiled. “Come right in.”
Alex was silent as Jennifer, as it stated on her name tag, and Johanna hashed over what sort of style would suit her. Never in her life had she shopped in such a place! All around her were dresses in white and cream satin, some adorned with lace, others with intricate beading and crystals.
A bride.
But not a bride. An impostor. This wasn’t a real marriage, and to pretend it was, was sacrilege. She didn’t deserve a fancy white dress with all the trimmings.
She pulled on Johanna’s arm. Johanna sent Jennifer an apologetic look.
“Excuse us a moment.”
“I can’t do this.” Alex looked at Johanna evenly. “It isn’t right. We both know this isn’t a real marriage. It feels wrong to put on this big show when we both know that in a few months it’ll be over. Let’s just go somewhere else and pick out a nice dress and it’ll do. Please. This is all…too much.”
Johanna must have taken pity on her, because she acquiesced. “All right. But, Alex, people are going to wonder if you show up at your wedding in an everyday dress. You should at least have a proper dress. Connor’s friends…his neighbors…will expect it.”
She was engaged in a losing battle and she knew it. Not only that, but there was a small part of her that wanted to do him proud, to show up on their wedding day looking the way a bride should look. To see that gleam of appreciation in his eyes, even if it wasn’t for real.
“Oh, all right. But nothing over the top.”
Johanna found the sales clerk again, and before Alex could say Here comes the bride she found herself again in a changing room, three separate dresses hanging before her.
The first two didn’t seem quite right, but the third time was the charm. Alex emerged from the change area smiling. “I like this one.”
Standing before the full-length mirror, she fell in love with it.
Strapless, the satin bodice was short, gathered in an empire style just beneath her breasts, with a thin stripe of satin ribbon marking the seam and the top of the bustline above. Beneath, it flowed gracefully to the floor, a filmy overskirt of organza adding romance to the look. It was simple and stunning. She pressed a hand to her belly. Even if she started to show more in the next few weeks, the empire waist and overskirt would camouflage things perfectly.
“I’m going to get your shoes,” Johanna murmured, her voice tinged with emotion. “It’s beautiful, Alex,” she added, before