Identify values you admire in good friends.
Build on your confidence by writing down your accomplishments and achievements with a view to expanding your interests and increasing your friend-ship circles.
#3
Marissa – who receives
nasty, anonymous texts
Type: Cyber
They were too gutless to leave any kind of ID so I had no idea who it was.
I guess maybe in hindsight it wasn’t the smartest thing to do, to go and date Tom, Maddie’s ex-boyfriend; but then again, he was an ‘ex’. Why shouldn’t I? I liked him; he liked me. Maddie was just an online friend. We went to different schools.
Anyway, for a couple of weeks Tom and I had kind of managed to keep it pretty quiet. But then word must have got out as I started to get these random messages on my phone from people I didn’t even know. They were too gutless to leave any kind of ID so I had no idea who they were. I started to look twice at my friends at school, holding back a bit to see if they said anything. I didn’t want to openly confront them as I didn’t want them thinking I was accusing them of something they weren’t doing or maybe didn’t even know about. I guess I wanted to find out on the quiet if it was any of them. It kind of made me tentative all of a sudden. I really liked Tom but started to doubt whether it was worth the hassle. The text messages continued. Sometimes it was just a word or two. ‘Player.’ Once it was, ‘You’re a seagull – scavenging for scraps.’ What could I do? As long as I didn’t know who was sending the texts I was never going to be able to confront them.
There are a number of potential bullying situations that can arise when using mobile phones.
There can be no safe place for anyone unless we each manage when we allow calls to occur and who those calls are from. We own the phone we use and we each need to be the person in charge at all times.
It is also worth looking at who really has the problem. Feel good that you are trying to get on with your own life by following your own inner wisdom. Guess what? It’s not you with the problem, it appears to be the bully’s issue.
It’s perfectly normal for feelings of anxiety to arise when it isn’t known who’s doing this and they are saying such horrible things. Do you feel like you’re beginning to doubt yourself and are less likely to trust your inner judgment?
One good strategy is to just block the sender; they will soon get the message that you are not going to be messed around with and that you have more important things to concentrate on.
Another way to address the situation could be for you to forward the messages on to all of your friends saying something like, ‘Hey, look what I am getting. Can you believe someone would stoop so low? What a joke!’
This would certainly send the message out that you think the person is not worth taking seriously. An added benefit would be that your friends also pick up the vibe that anonymous messages are unacceptable. You are modelling assertive actions for your friends.
Key points to remember
Identify who has the problem…it may not be you.
Block the sender.
Turn your phone off when you don’t want calls.
It may help to forward the messages on in a lighthearted manner, demonstrating that they’re unimportant to you.
#4
Tanisha – who gets the cold shoulder
Type: Covert
Do I walk away, defeated, looking like a loser?
New to the school, I was really keen to make a good start, to learn as much as I could quickly about the kids here and who might be a good group of friends to join. I’d met Meg on Orientation Day, and although we hadn’t really communicated much over the holidays, I was hopeful that she might seek me out, at least for the first few days. Maybe I’d get to meet a few of her friends; she seemed like a decent person, so her friends probably would be too.
I saw Meg sitting with a group of girls. Before I could even think what I was doing, I was heading in their direction. I could tell by the easy, confident look that this was a group of popular girls. But I’d made my intentions known, even suspected that Meg had caught a glimpse of me approaching. How would she react?
‘Hi!’ I said, to Meg’s shoulder. She didn’t even turn around. She just kept on talking. Maybe she hadn’t heard me. ‘Meg?’ She swung her head around briefly, smiled at me, then turned her back and laughed out loud with the girls at her table. Was she laughing at me? There was no welcome or effort to introduce me. Now that I think about it, it was probably the teachers who had asked, maybe told, Meg to show me around on Orientation Day. Like I said, she’d seemed friendly and was certainly helpful then.
Do I walk away, defeated, looking like a loser? Surely Meg would at least acknowledge me if I sat down. Noticing a gap on the wooden bench on the other side of the table that Meg was sitting on, I moved to join them. But as I placed my lunch bag on the table, one of the girls shifted herself across.
‘Sorry, there’s really not any room here,’ she said, smiling up at me. Feeling embarrassed, I grabbed my lunch bag and headed off. Maybe there’s a better spot to hang out, I thought to myself, pretending not to care. But I did care. I cared a lot. It was my first day at school. ‘You don’t forget your first day at a new school,’ Mum had said at the breakfast table this morning. She was sure right about that.
Should someone change to be accepted into a group? If someone is feeling like a loser and not part of a group they aspire to be with, they will be overly harsh on themselves. Their self-talk will be negative. They will be putting them-selves down all the time.
So it’s time to take a step back and think of the bigger picture. The first question to ask is whether you really want to be involved with this group of girls. Thinking about the personalities of each is a good first step. Do they match well with you? Do the things they do and say sit well with you? Are they doing and saying things that you would do and say? What a wonderful opportunity for someone to start questioning their own personal and moral values. And what a great opportunity too to stand up and be the person you want to be.
Often a good way of assessing all this is to put yourself in the shoes of the people who are the recipients of the group’s or bully’s words and actions. Would you like those words spoken to you? The first few weeks at school, or any new place for that matter, can be a challenge for anyone. But it makes sense to bide your time a little and quietly take stock of the people around you. Good people are there and are certainly worth the wait.
Have a think also about what your priorities are and don’t let yourself get sidetracked by those who want to go against you.
Once you’ve made a firm decision, stick to it. Perhaps chat about it with a friend or someone at home. It can be reassuring to get the support of someone you trust. Yes, I am doing the right thing here.
Sometimes things don’t go the way you want or expect. First-up encounters and experiences in new situations can indeed be quite negative. But they won’t last.
Being your own best friend is a good place to start. Positive self-talk can help. Hold your head up high, be civil and friendly to everyone around you and get on with each moment of your day with purpose and resolve.