Ciara is standing next to my bed when I manage to open my eyes. Suddenly I’m wide awake. ‘Is everything okay, my baby?’ I glance at the alarm clock: It is past three o’clock in the morning.
‘I had a bad dream.’ I can’t make out her face clearly, but I can hear the shakiness of her voice.
I sit up and swing my legs off the side of the bed. Rub sleep from my eyes. Then I pull her close. ‘Don’t worry, it was just a dream. It is all over now.’
She climbs onto my lap and snuggles against my chest.
‘Do you want to tell me what the nightmare was about?’
She hesitates. ‘I saw Khuthi in heaven … but he was angry at me.’
‘No, sweetie, why would he be angry at you? Your brother loved you.’
She sniffs. ‘He said I wanted him gone so that I could have Daddy and Mommy to myself.’ She looks up at me. ‘I didn’t want that, Daddy, I promise!’
‘Of course not, my angel! Where would you get such an idea? Your brother would never think that.’
She wipes at her nose. ‘When I was sad about Khuthi, Mommy said I must look on the bright side, that Daddy will have more time to focus just on me. She said you and Mommy might even get married again.’
I’m so shocked that I cannot speak. What the fuck is Diana telling our child? How could she say that? This just confirms how little she cared for my son. Damn her!
And confusing Ciara like that with talk of remarriage … Hell! I told Diana weeks ago, after my almost-date with Thandeka, that we cannot have casual sex anymore and that we are not getting back together. Even though Thandeka made it clear that she is not interested in dating me, I realised that I have feelings for her. I realised I want more than just casual sex with a woman and I would never get what I really wanted from Diana. Thandeka has opened my eyes to something more.
But Diana doesn’t take no for an answer. Now she is filling Ciara’s head with nonsense.
I need to keep it together, for Ciara’s sake. ‘Mommy didn’t mean it like that, my baby. Your brother is in heaven and he is your angel, looking down on you and loving you like he always has. Now let me go tuck you in, okay?’
She nods slowly. ‘Okay, Daddy.’
* * *
THANDEKA
‘He is driving into the parking lot,’ Phuti says so that everybody can settle down. We are on the rooftop, waiting to celebrate Mr R’s birthday. Everybody is in a good mood. My colleagues and I were requested to join the party. The whole building’s workers are on the rooftop. Rudzani has about a hundred or so employees in his establishment. It is a lot for a one-man show. I know by now that Ms Diana isn’t an owner like Rudzani is. She does call a lot of the shots though.
We are standing, waiting for Rudzani to come up. I am eager to see the smile on his face when he sees the whole setup. The team turned this place into a hot chilling spot. I have not been to many hangouts but if this one existed, I would go to it all the time.
‘He is coming, he is coming,’ Phuti hisses.
The door opens and Rudzani walks out. He is wearing a red golf shirt with cream-coloured sporty shorts. Those calves. White sneakers and a white cap complete the outfit. Behind him are two guys dressed just like him.
He laughs so handsomely.
‘Surprise!’ everybody yells except me. I am still beating myself up for being a jerk when he needed someone to understand what he is going through.
‘What?’ He laughs, looking around at everyone who is smiling at him. He wasn’t expecting this at all.
Rudzani walks to the small stage and takes the microphone from Phuti.
‘What do you guys want, huh?’ he asks and chuckles. We all laugh. ‘If it is a double bonus … weeell …’
‘We don’t need a bonus, sir,’ one guy yells and the crowd breaks into laughter.
‘You know I have been wondering why everybody was in such a good mood this morning – on a Thursday.’ He laughs. ‘But on a serious note, thank you guys for doing this for me. I had no idea how I was going to celebrate this day without my son … but I am glad you decided to host this event for me.’
So, that confirms it: It really is his son who passed away. The memories of when he cried that day make my stomach turn. I feel my chest tightening and my throat drying. I didn’t know.
‘You know when Khuthi passed away, I never thought I would ever see myself smiling again? I mean genuinely smile? It feels wrong to be happy without him. If he was still around, he would be running around your offices, interviewing you guys for his school projects and all.’ He shakes his head and stares up at the sky. This feels like the first time he is speaking about his son with people. It is so sad to listen to. Everyone is quiet. This boy, his boy, sounds like he was a beautiful soul. For a few more minutes, he thanks his employees for making his company one of the best brand-focused public relations agencies in the country.
‘Thank you.’
‘It is our pleasure, boss,’ some guy yells from the back. Everybody else murmurs in agreement.
‘By the way, where did you get the booze from?’ He points at a few guys holding bottles of alcohol.
‘We all contributed …’ the guys at the back yell, one after another.
‘On that note, let’s drink and celebrate the fact that I am a year closer to retirement. Cheers, guys.’
He jumps off the little stage and grabs a beer from Phuti.
I want to go to him and apologise. Now I know why he always looks troubled. He keeps his smile but sometimes it slips. And his eyes are sad. People are surrounding him, so I keep my distance for now.
I should try to mingle with some of the other employees. Luckily Ms Diana is not around today. Since the day of the rug, things have been different between us. When she meets me on the second floor, she ignores me – no greeting, nothing.
I watch as Rudzani excuses himself from a group of people and sneaks out of the party. No one seems to notice but me. He looks pretty sad. Everybody is dancing and drinking. Maybe this is my only chance to apologise and have a word with him. I don’t have to go through the PA to get to him today.
My heart is throbbing as I take the stairs down to the fifth floor. The music fades away as I turn down the passage to Rudzani’s office.
I knock on the door and wait for him to respond. I knock again.
‘Go back to the party,’ Rudzani yells from inside. I open the door and close it again. ‘Whatever it is can be solved tomorrow.’
He is standing facing the huge window. He has thrown his cap on the coffee table.
I watch him for a moment. He clears his throat and keeps his gaze on the outside world. Does he even know that I am here?
‘I am so sorry about your son,’ I finally say. He quickly turns to me. I don’t like how he looks right now. He looks broken.
‘Hey, you … Sorry, I am miles away.’ His broad shoulders sag.
I take a few steps towards him.
‘I thought the boy who died was your nephew. I didn’t know he was your son. I am so sorry I shut you out when you needed to talk about it the other day.’
Womaniser or no womaniser, this man has lost his dear son.
The problem with me is I get too emotional sometimes. He is supposed to be the one sniffing the tears away, but here I am doing just that on his behalf. That pain I felt when my baby’s lifeless body was taken away from me … all that pain comes flooding into my heart. I screamed and kicked until the nurse