That’s what good parents do: They make sacrifices for their children. I write this chapter because I hope that others, especially young people, will understand their most important job when they become adults: to be good parents. That won’t be easy. They have to learn to put their families first. When they provide that kind of commitment, they can also exert the most positive parental influence. Another factor—and one they often don’t realize—is how much their attitudes affect their children’s behavior.
Too few people realize the extreme power of parental influence. More than anyone else, parents have the opportunity to provide a strong, healthy effect on their own children. It’s important that we want to raise our children in a family setting. Our children shouldn’t be born and raised in settings where they’re separated from their parents. How many children will have to be left to be raised by relatives, neighbors, or friends before we decide to do something to save our children?
As an educator in the inner city, I’ve seen too many instances of parents who leave their children temporarily—or so they say—and they never come back to claim them. I can’t imagine what life would have been like for me if my mother had left me in someone else’s care and hadn’t visited me for weeks or months. Even worse, I can’t conceive of leaving my children with someone else. It’s unthinkable to me to place myself in a situation where I might never see my two children again.
This abandonment of our children is at an epidemic level, and must stop. In some instances, it’s not physical desertion, but emotional. Sometimes one or both parents are present, yet neither one shows any significant interest in the children and their education. That’s a different kind of desertion.
Every child needs two parents, and I wish that could always be the case. Without question, it’s tough raising children in single-parent homes. In my role as an educator, mentor, and parent, I often see the results of our fatherless society. Because I grew up in a single-parent home myself, I know what children go through. I’ve suffered greatly from the lack of a positive father figure. If not for the grace of God and the strength and determination of my mother, Amena, I might have been in trouble as a younger man or could be homeless today.
Many of the children I work with grow up in environments that do nothing to help them grow or live productive lives. Some have parents who seem barely able to tolerate them or who would rather do something else than give them attention and guidance. The children don’t get to choose the environments in which they’re raised. I probably can’t do much to help their home situations, but I’d like to influence them to become positive role models when they take on the responsibility of parenthood themselves.
I commend all young people who have overcome the challenges of being raised in single-parent homes or who have been raised in homes where they don’t feel loved and wanted—and there are many. I admire those single parents who sacrifice so much to raise their children. That’s an awesome job and a tremendous responsibility.
Although many women and men do an outstanding job as single parents, there are definite disadvantages to being forced to raise children alone. The research is conclusive that children who grow up in homes with both parents:
Are less likely to be single parents themselves.
Are more likely to get educated.
Have a greater chance to get married and stay married.
Will more likely live longer.
Have a greater opportunity to be more successful financially.
Are less likely to commit suicide.
Are less likely to need to fight addictions, especially alcoholism.
For such positive outcomes to occur, there must be a focus and a goal to raise our children in wholesome family environments. For those of us who are parents—or who will become parents—it is imperative that we find a way to foster that positive environment for every child.
I don’t want to imply that there aren’t traditional families who are dysfunctional. Most of us probably know of two-parent families that are chaotic, abusive, and destructive. I refer to good, wholesome two-parent homes where the parents are members of and attend church; they take their children with them instead of sending them alone or with neighbors. Any number of research projects have shown that children who go to church or some other religious institution with their parents have a higher chance of success in life. Those statistics are especially significant for blacks, because many of our children will grow up in single-parent homes or in two-parent homes prone to violent behavior.
If we can influence children now, even if they grow up with only one parent or live in dysfunctional situations, they can overcome the negatives, marry, raise healthy families, and become successful. It can happen. It does happen, but it doesn’t happen often enough. We must believe that a healthy home situation can be a reality for every person, young and old. The most important goal should be to break the cycle of poverty.
In addition to demonstrating the success of families who attend church, the research also shows that these parents are more likely to remain married. Religion and faith are important, and this is especially true when we raise a family.
Many adults commonly drift from the church during their teen years and the early stages of their marriage. After the birth of their children, they often remember how important the religious environment was for them. “I wasn’t sure I believed all of that anymore,” one man in my church said, “but I knew that my early religious instruction kept me on the straight road. I wanted that for my children.”
He and his wife returned to church and took their children with them. He said, “Becoming a parent motivated me to straighten out my life. I decided I wanted to give my children the best education I could. Can there be any better education than getting them into the church where they can learn right from wrong and how to care about other people?” Today, he’s a strong believer and an active elder.
Our faith is—or can be—a strong part of how we influence our own children. How disheartening it is to realize that so many young people who grow up in single-parent homes or with dysfunctional families have no template for a successful home environment. They tend to believe that their abnormal situation is normal, and they perpetuate the cycle of violence and poverty. We can’t allow that to continue to happen. It is long overdue for us to help them understand and to say, “Yes, you are growing up in poverty but you can still live a healthy, successful life. And we want to help you.”
I often tell my female students, “When you get older and are ready to date (they moan when I say they are too young to date) and a young man approaches you for your phone number and a date, you tell him, ‘I’ll give you my phone number. But while I’m writing my number down, I need you to solve a quadratic equation and factor a polynomial.’ (Our girls learned to solve algebra problems as elementary students.) ‘And if you can’t do it, why don’t you call me after you’ve graduated from college?’”
I usually finish my take on their future mates with advice I borrowed from my good friend Dr. Lee Jones, Dean of the College of Graduate Education at the University of Wisconsin at Whitewater. “If the young man who seeks your acquaintance is not on his way, then he is in your way!”
I also tell them, “If you’re going to be seriously involved with someone, you need to look at that person and ask yourself, ‘Is he going to be a good husband? Is he going to be a good father?’ Raise your expectations. Don’t settle for whoever comes along. Hold out for the best.”
That portion of my course is usually given to them when they reach high school, but I can’t wait until ninth grade to stress the importance of education and examples of good parenting.
In middle school, I point to myself and ask, “What is my most important job?”
“To be a good principal” is usually the first response.
I shake my head and wait.
It may