Then came the high school years, God bless them, the ground zero of my mental destruction. By then the Puberty Fairy had waved her wand and given curvaceous blessings to most girls. She skipped over me. She forgot to give me another two cup sizes, some childbearing hips, and some “junk in the trunk.” For goodness sakes, everyone had that one thing on their bodies that they absolutely loved. But to give me zero out of three was a pretty damaging move by that neglectful Puberty Fairy.
Appearance was one thing I never noticed or suffered a comparison from, so in a sense I never noticed my body. That is, until it was pointed out to me, jeered at, mocked, and trivialized in my teenage years. I will never forget overhearing a family friend make the comment: “She’s never been Miss Body Beautiful.” One can only assume that if you weren’t Miss Body Beautiful, you must have been Miss Body Ugly. I could only build a thick enough skin to last me until the end of the day or until I got to the bathroom, where I could cry. Another comment I shall never forget came from a classmate who advised me to not go into sports because me in tights would only cause laughter. She didn’t have to worry about that. I stayed far from sports after constantly being picked last to be on a team because I always contributed to losing points due to clumsiness and bad hand-eye coordination. I had already suffered enough embarrassment to last forever. Let’s just say I still find excuses not to participate in friendly physical activity.
My lowest point came at around fifteen. I can clearly remember seeing my reflection in a tinted car window and absolutely hating, loathing, despising who I saw. So I went on a weight-gaining spree. I decided to gain weight until it went into the right places. Of course I was able to gain cushioning in some key areas and in other not-so-flattering ones. I can’t say that this really solved my problems. I did feel less self-conscious until I gained too much and then became concerned about weight loss.
How far have I come since then? I won’t lie and say that I am absolutely infatuated with myself. I have my on and off days. The older I get, the more on days I have. I have learned with maturity that there is nothing wrong with my personality. As for my body, well, does that feeling of inadequacy ever go away?
One day I hope to be blessed with a daughter, and I hope that the one thing I can pass on to her is to accept herself for who she is, and that as long as she tries her hardest, then her best is good enough.
As for me, I get by one day at a time, learning to love more of me slowly, but surely.
Floree Williams is a native of the small Caribbean island of Antigua. Floree has a published book of childhood short stories called Pink Teacups and Blue Dresses, which is available online. She has a novel on the way. She is a fairly recent graduate of the University of Toronto, where she majored in communications and professional writing.
If I Knew Then What I Know Now About Myself…
My philosophy is that not only are you responsible for your life, but doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment.
—Oprah Winfrey
The evolution of self takes shape with time and experience. These women have shared with you a moment in their lives that is a part of who they will be forever. Yes, they will grow and change, but these precious moments they’ve decided to share are markers of who they were, and who they will be. Like Ms. Winfrey’s philosophy, you must take those moments and learn from them to discover your best true self.
Your Soul’s Sustenance
Women begin the pattern of envy when they are young with the simple wish that they could be someone else. That seed may be planted by magazines, television, family experiences, or peers, but regardless of where it began, setting on the path to being triumphant requires you to relinquish your feelings of envy. The everyday put-downs, dismissals, and negativity will hinder your ability to see things objectively, and losing focus on your blessings, plans, and implementation serve as a distraction. Distractions can cause us to stop what we are doing and sometimes get us so far off course that we can never get back on track.
Your Personal Book of Revelations
Describe who you are as a person.
How did you get to where you are right now in your life?
How do you feel about saying no to others?
Do you just follow the crowd?
Are you comfortable being alone?
Who or what is the driving force in your life?
Are you happy with your life?
What are your next steps?
II
Why Does It Hurt So Bad?
It’s been quite a roller-coaster ride, but I’ve grown and learned a lot about myself. The greatest thing is being able to interact with fans and touch people’s lives…for that I give thanks.
—Christina Aguilera
Oftentimes, we find ourselves in dark places in our life’s journey. You may feel happy, successful, and accomplished one day and down in the dumps the next. Life is similar to a roller coaster. You wait in line with anticipation for the experience just as you wait to grow up. You get to the front of the line with butterflies fluttering in your stomach because you’re next. That up-next anticipation is similar to the milestones we set in our lives, like what we’ll do when we turn eighteen, twenty-five, or thirty.
Then finally it’s your turn. You get in the car and buckle up. Just as in life, there are some things we need to brace ourselves for, so we, too, must buckle up. Then as the roller coaster slowly climbs to the summit, it feels almost like we know what’s ahead, but this part is full of wonder and taking in the true depth of the climb. We, too, have those moments when things are moving steadily along in life where we can take in the experience and enjoy the view.
Then it happens, the plummet that takes our breath away! The wind and gravity blowing you back and feeling as if your stomach is in your throat—you think to yourself, Why did I do this? The fear and low points in our lives lead us to question the same thing—Why did I do this? It was exciting, but it’s scary and totally out of my control. Once you get past the first descent, you may experience a few loops, twists, turns, and a couple of more drops. That’s life. We get turned around sometimes, and twists and turns do arise.
Finally, you are back on the ground where you began, but in a different place. You exit on the opposite side and leave a little bit different for the experience. Life is much like this roller-coaster ride. You may go through the twists and turns of life, but you come out of these experiences different—new. Once you understand that the twists and turns in your life don’t last forever, you are better prepared to take the risk to go through them. We all go through ups and downs, but how you look at the situation will determine how you get through it. If you never wanted to get on the roller coaster and you resist all the way, you will have a hard time and never want to get on it again. But if you look at the twists and turns of life as part of the ride, you will be able to move with them and know that you will leave on the other side a new person.
The women in this section of the book have had some mighty roller-coaster rides, but they have come out stronger, more confident, brand new,