Special Thanks from Dawn Marie Daniels
To my sons, Mark and Martin: You are my joy, and every day being your mom is a blessing. Your love and support, questions and answers, laughter and tears have been the best lessons I have learned in life. You are truly special sons.
I give sincere love and undying gratitude to my best friend and sister, Candace Sandy. Your unconditional love and support have sustained me for the last twenty-plus years of my life—you are truly my sister. Your love and compassion inspire me to be the best person I can be every day.
To some of my best friends—Antoinette Callistro, Tiffany Cordy, Maria Davis, Dana Gibbs, Joella Irving, Christine Saunders, and Seanette Vaughan—thank you for being my everyday sounding boards, cheering squad, and sisters. I appreciate your sisterly advice and love.
Mom, the love you have shown me and the lessons you taught me remain with me forever. I love you and pray for you every day! Only a really special dad would support his daughter’s dream unquestioningly and unconditionally. Daddy, you are that special person and I cannot express in words how much I love you. Thank you.
Grandma, you are truly an angel. You are always there to support anything I do, and I am grateful for the love and joy you bring to my life.
Introduction
Young women encounter many daily struggles and obstacles similar to the women in our original book, Souls of My Sisters. Our next generation is filled with hopes and dreams, but they have extra baggage from dealing with many different issues, from drug-addicted parents to the pain of never knowing their fathers, to being stalked and subjugated on the Internet. Some of the women expressed fears that they wouldn’t be able to attain their dreams, and others were concerned that the hue of their skin could get in the way of living a fulfilling life. As these brave women who are searching for self, exerting the power of choice, and dealing with the difficulties with the first woman in their lives—Mom—family, career, sexuality, intimate relationships, money, self-esteem, body-and self-image, friendships, faith, health, and death, through their struggles and pain, their perseverance shines through.
Young women are inundated with advice, some of which you know simply just does not make sense. We’ve all heard “a bird in the hand beats two in the bush” and “don’t count your chickens until they are hatched.” These are great phrases, but what can be even more valuable than old-time sayings are women telling you the truth, not worried about being judged, but giving you their honest perspective of their own life experiences.
When you are confronted with decisions that you know will change the course of your life, you are worried sick and you are constantly told to search inside yourself because the answer is within. It may be, but not today, and how can you search if you are not even certain of who you are?
We are all pieces of the love, pain, emotions, responsibilities, fears, scars, and lessons of those who did and did not raise us. Sometimes the pain was unbearable, and as a result you decided to raise yourself. Others found out terrible secrets. My mother is really my aunt, I am adopted, and My father is not my father, who is my father? Your father was a one-night stand? It’s at the funerals that all the family drama unfolds—the new siblings that you never knew you had. The secrets that the family kept from you because of a desire to protect themselves have left you feeling betrayed.
Some of you were molested, beaten, or witnessed your mother being beaten, your sister being murdered, gun violence in the streets, family members succumbing to drugs, having a mother who is only fifteen years older than you and is hanging out at clubs with you, and the world still wants you to be happy.
Some of you succeeded regardless of the pressure to please your family. You stifled your dreams, pushed forward to be the very best woman you could be, and yet your family is never happy. You can do more. Why aren’t you married? He’s not good enough. Some of you pursued professional degrees, and after all that work, you were urged to hurry up and get married before you succeeded or else you would never find a husband. So you struggle through medical school, dental school, and law school hoping this brother will stick around when your practice takes off.
The whole thing can be a small mess—it’s having the babies at a young age because you wanted someone to love, it is the tearing down of your friends because you were afraid they would succeed. It is the career situations where professional women were sabotaged. It is the sitting in a dark hole and asking, “How did I get here?”
Candace and I have endured a different set of questions and personal battles, and this is why we started the Souls of My Sisters series. In this volume, we go to the icons of Black America who have endured some of the same situations. What makes them different? Was there a special recipe that only they concocted for success? In these pages these icons of entertainment are asked, “If you knew then what you know now, would you have made different choices?” These women reflect and share their personal advice, personal stories, and challenges so that young women like yourselves can utilize the information as part of their personal journey.
Souls of My Young Sisters is a book that you can relate to, but also a book that can help your parents better understand the issues you may be dealing with in a day and age far different from the one they grew up in. It is our hope that Souls of My Young Sisters will be your quintessential guide to eliminating baggage before your life’s journey truly begins.
I
Who Am I?
Yes, I am from the ’hood, but I’m a work in progress and I hope to continue to grow.
—Keyshia Cole
Young or old, who we are is an evolutionary process that can change from day to day. As a teenager you are often told, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” You also hear, “Wait until you get older, then you’ll understand.” You feel like you know what you’re feeling is real and how dare older women like your mom, aunts, siblings, or at times strangers tell you what you know to be real and how you will feel about your decisions later. We honor your feelings and say it’s okay to feel the way you feel, but we ask that in this moment you keep an open mind and ear to the lessons other women have for you.
When you get into your twentysomething years, it really seems like the reins have been loosened and it’s your time to show and prove. You are given the freedom with what seems like less criticism, and you are ready to conquer the world. You may have some doubts and insecurities, but you’re not letting anyone see you sweat. You may be more open to the advice of your fellow sisters during these years, but you are still firm in the belief that you and only you feel the way you feel. We just want to let you know we understand your feelings and would like to share ours with you.
As you are on the south side of your quarter life and fast approaching what you once thought of as old, you have been through a few things. You have gotten your feet wet—some of us have even been fully baptized in the water of life and think we know a thing or two. You definitely know something at this point in your journey, but there is still so much more to learn.
No matter where you are on your journey in life, getting to know yourself is in every step you take. Part of growing into the woman you will become is looking at other women as examples. The more open you are to hearing other women’s life journey stories, the more opportunities you will create for yourself to understand who you are and where you would like to go as a woman. It is said that the true test of intelligence is not whether you can learn from your own mistakes, but whether you can learn from the mistakes of others. There are women who went before you who have paved the way for your success, whether they knew it or not—it’s important that you know it. The journey to self-awareness, self-discovery, and self-esteem has been mapped out for you.
Whether you have been told you are a queen in the making or you’ve never been given words of support and encouragement, you have the power to shape the woman you want to become. If you are reading this book, the first thing you need to know is that you are making the choice to be aware of the experiences that women have had.