This small phrase which had turned up seemed to display a very real form of some sort of mystical plant that was now growing in my mind and its growing tendrils displaying a momentum beyond my conscious input. It seemed to be a motivating force responsible for the selection of notions that I was consuming in my contemplation process.
Every new thought that was now arriving I was wondering if it was being sent to me from that which was the motivation of where the tendrils were wanting to grow where they were wanting to go and which notions they were choosing to sew together.
My imagination was racing and I began being surrounded by new meta-rational notions - is the wholeness of that which I am an aware aspect of, can it be something that I may possibly fully know. I pondered that if I were a muscle cell in the calf of a particular human body could I conceive of that which I was a one fifty trillionth of. If I were a microbe on an elephants anus could I know about the herd he or she was a social member of. So was it in fact the wholeness aspect of that which I am but an aspect of, seeking to have my conscious awareness know of ?
My mental journeys into various bodies of wisdom was always with the intent of curiously needing to know more about that which was needing to know more about. The whole mystical realm of self reflection is indeed a realm like any realm, it is both good and bad, useful and useless, potentially enlightening for those who dare but also potentially a vivid journey into madness, delusion, isolation and for some suicide.
The wholeness of any particular cosmos is essential for it to continue to grow in balance, in harmony, in purpose, in meaning. But reductionism, fragmentation, becoming lost in the parts, becoming separated from the bigger picture of the wholeness of the particular cosmos will have it fall apart. It is sort of like its being aware of its wholeness is that which ultimately holds together its wholeness. Maybe that is the process our entire whirled world soap opera of our collective human comedy is coming to terms with. Maybe that is what was unfolding for me as a consequence to my daring to follow a wild fancy, may be I am suffering some sort of delusion was going on in my tweedle-verse or maybe I was being propelled into my wholeness by that which I had found in a dirty old abandoned pocket.
This is the sort of ponders that were whirling through my mind, that which my captive meditation walk home was generating. Then I started pondering into other notion generators that I had experienced over the years.
I had over thirty years ago been a proud owner of a floatation tank, a sensory deprivation device which was described as a cheap western trick in the blah that came with it. I enjoyed over 200 hours floating in those days and the capacity of it being a notion generator was being reminded to me now, the capacity of it being a very useful window to look into ones own inner infinity was an other aspect of its multi-faceted usury.
I had also enjoyed the experience of an other notion generator, a Vipassana meditation retreat where for ten days one is led through a meditation technique, sitting, as well as slow focused walking, no eye contact, no speaking with the others. The captivity presents the emission of trapped notions that need to be thought out, to get out.
So as you may see my familiarity with the meditation contemplation process had been with me for decades.
I was feeling like I was in possession of something big, something that at one level isn't really anything but the mutterings of some bloke who dared to ponder into his own mind. But for me and how my mind works this new revelation process activated, motivated, authenticated by the unfolding s of wild fancy had become something big for me. Although once I was to get back to home and back to the normal swing of life there is probably nobody really that will appreciate the enormity of what had now come to exist in my own personal mind-scape. A strange and funny way to be in the world where you can talk about the weather, and the flow of life’s happenings with all those others we share life with, but at your very core, in the very light of your own inner beingness in the living now time an ongoing, never ending tweedle-verse of contentious war was going on.
So not only have I a flow of “what ifs” also the “yes buts” move them aside and become warriors standing off against each other. The bickering’s of my Tweedledee and Tweedledum mind-scape is a very real and ongoing fabric upon which the entirety of life’s unfolding s is cast against.
The living dynamics of ones own mind-scape is a gymnasium for thinking about thinking, thinking about how one thinks about thinking about thinking. Limitless spirals of self same ponders in dynamic tensions of attraction and repulsion, right and wrong, possible and impossible, good and evil, love and hate.
It is this very perception that the meta-physical model of the universe suggested by the horoscope had indicated to me. That the twelve signs of the zodiac that we are all familiar with from our magazines and newspapers were in fact in reality a set of six signs of polarized dualities in a state of ongoing gendered warring contentions.
It would seem that the actual mysterious life force behind every living form was due to the conflict of warring between the gendered nature of the entire universe. By virtue of anything being manifested it owed its existence to being no longer in a state of is, an ex-is-ness and by virtue of no longer being in a state of “is” it requires to participate in a tension. The tension all things exist with is the tension between the past and the future, past tense, future tense. The tension between expressing as yin feminine or yang masculine, the tension between expressing as negative or positive, the tension of being revealed by light or being hidden by shadow, the tension between our expressing with the common good of all, or an expression of vane, selfish greed, disharmony and all that is anti-life, evil in fact. Our entire universe from this perspective is a set of dynamic warring tensions.
My mind seemed to be excitedly equipped with a new force, a new set of relevance tendrils that were taking on a life of their own, things were coming from my archives of stored memories from my now thirty five years of serious ponder into all things that looked into the mystery of life and creation. In a word the genre of ponder I was most interested in was always categorized, on the label on the back of the books, I was most drawn to, as “esoteric philosophy”.
Esoteric simply means hidden or obscured and is sort of like a cosmic trick which has you looking to do or ponder or know one thing while the real thing you are requiring to know or find is actually not known to you and sort of arrives like a surprise. It makes total sense once it arrives but would have not have made any sense had you been given it before you went through the process of thinking you are seeking to find something else. For people that like puzzles this sort of genre of mind food is not only delicious but it is also a labyrinth that leads to who knows what.
My ponders as my walk home continues are solidifying the fruit of my journey as the Hunch Hunch, and in true esoteric philosophy form that which I was looking for is not what I have found, and that which I have found is nothing and something at the same time, it is a larger than life mysterious glow in my mind-scape but for all intents and purposes of any other human looking upon me and my life adventure I am just some other bloke doing life, nothing has really changed.
I would have never guessed I would have got to this strange place in my life adventure, a part of me feels like I have won the lotto, but when I look out of my eyes into life it all seems the same as always, the next cuppa, the next meal, the next day, the next job, the next gathering. A continuing chain of ordinary unfoldings that occur and flicker past the mind-scape that I wear. The mind-scape I wear certainly changes from day to day, and over the years I have experienced many mind-scapes that wear varying glows from delicious to downright uncomfortable, frightening, dark and foreboding.
My relevance tendrils were taking me back to my favorite esoteric philosophy suggestions from the body of wisdom called Toltec. The wise accumulation of ponder that is the Toltec wisdom tradition came to me initially in the works of Carlos