"The daughter is heartbroken, right? And I mean, wouldn't you be? So the daughter potato is in tears, and asks, 'But, Dad, why not?'" Neil regained the uptight posture and said, "'No daughter of mine will date a commentator. '"
Chuck responded with chirping noises, and said, "What? A commentator. Hahaha, common tater! I can't believe I've gone my whole life and never heard that potato joke."
Neil burst out with his signature laugh, "Ooha hahaha."
The doors to the auditorium burst open, and someone said, "We've found something!"
All the faces in the auditorium turned to the intruder as he spoke again: "We've found something amazing, and it's close!" He momentarily reconsidered his words and said, "relatively."
The man looked distraught and excited, so the host paused the recording. "Well folks, we are going to take a quick break. I'm Charlie Cats, here with your special guest star on our twenty-fifth annual StarTalk Radio Cruise, and his eighty-fifth anniversary. The one, the only, Neil Degrasse Tyson!"
"This has been StarTalk Radio's 'Historic Flashback Favorites.' For now," the host turned to Neil, "do you want to give us one of your favorite send-offs?"
With a big smile on his face, he said, "I'm Neil Degrasse Tyson, your personal astrophysicist, and common-tatteerrr bidding you to keep looking up."
The amateur astronomer brought them to the telescope that was set up and trained onto the object. "We first noticed the distortion last night; we were looking at this star. Where the star would typically appear bright, it seemed distorted, dim."
He continued, "Tonight we're sure; we used multiple telescopes. This star should be bright, look, there's something there." The amateur was excited to have discovered this anomaly and eager to be validated.
Neil looked through the scope. "There does seem to be something there, but we need to take a closer look. See what we're looking at."
The astronomer was brimming with joy. "It's causing distortion as dark matter might. But it's more concentrated as if it's acting upon itself."
"Whereas dark matter does not," Neil interjected with a smile. "It's definitely interesting."
Idenia cloud
The cloud was named after the discoverer, Mark Antage's, ex-wife. When questioned why, he replied, "Because nothing about it makes any sense... and, it has sinister undertones."
Two months after the initial sighting, the cloud was being studied by every free lens and instrument on the planet. Save for the moon, it was now the closest celestial entity in the Universe.
Studies and hypotheses abounded, every conceivable test run, in every variation we could think to run it. When it all returned nothing, the theory turned to speculation and grew wilder.
More intricate and elaborate questioning only unearthed more questions, the most pressing of which had zero proposed theories: "How could this possibly be good for us?"
January 2045, three months after Idenia's discovery, came the first answer. It was one that no one liked. "Preliminary calculations suggest the cloud was on a collision course with Earth, impact in just over a year," rolled across the bottom of the screen.
The reporter was discussing the cloud with the news host: "Researchers at NASA have now come to the census that a collision with the cloud is more probable than possible at this point."
The reporter continued, "They have come to believe that the path of the cloud will intersect with the orbital path of the earth."
"That is devastating news, Chris. Is there any chance they're wrong?"
Chris replied, "We sure hope so, Mark. It is still early in the development of the event, and things could change dramatically."
"Tell us, Mark, is there any good news?" The news host sounded hopeful.
"Yes, actually," replied the reporter. "The speed of the cloud is nearly exactly that of the earth." The reporter gestured intersecting angles with his hands. "And the angle in which it is due to cross with the earth is, well, gentle."
"Gentle?" replied the news host.
"Think two friends, joining one another on the sidewalk," said the reporter. "They have come to believe that any energy from an impact will result from the gravity of the earth only."
The reporter continued, "Imagine that a meteor might be traveling over a hundred thousand miles an hour before entering the earth's atmosphere. It would then have to lose a lot of energy to air resistance, to slow to the same speed."
"Now Mark, that's not to say that an object falling from space does not build up enough speed to do serious damage," said the reporter. "That is most certainly the case," he detailed.
"I know there is one question weighing heavily on everyone's mind. Is mankind facing an extinction level event?" The reporter tossed the question out, letting it sit for a moment.
Letting the suspense build momentarily then Chris said, "From what we have found, there doesn't seem to be any objects large enough to cause planetary, or even localized extinction events."
He continued, "so, thankfully, it appears the answer, for now, is no." The reporter was hopeful but reserved, "Preliminary findings suggest we most definitely can survive."
"That is certainly better news, Chris. I know this has caused a lot of stress and discomfort for everyone," the news host replied. "It was a relief for me, as well," Chris concluded.
~
*Thud* *Thud* *Thud* "Hold-on to ur britches!" Came the call from inside the house. A few minutes passed, and the door flung open. "What the hell do... oh, hey, Scrant, what brings you out here?"
"Well, Odie, to be honest, I was hoping to have a conversation with you, wearing pants," the Deputy replied.
"Ha! I think you know me better than that, Scrant. How’s your sister?"
"Doin’ great since her divorce," the Deputy laughed uncomfortably, "livin’ real nice out in West Virginia."
"Ha! I bet she is with all the alimony I pay."
The Deputy put up his hands defensively. "Now, Odie, I told you when we were kids not to go barkin’ up that tree. But, you ain't never listened to anyone."
Oddam laughed. "Certainly ain't gonna start now. So, what can I do for you this fine morning, Scrannie?"
"Scrannie? Really, Furles? You never gonna let me live that down, are ya?"
Oddam chuckled and said, "It's hard to believe you're here so early for coffee and memories."
The Deputy put on a serious face, realizing that he could no longer put off the uncomfortable conversation he was about to have with his longtime friend.
"It's about the Jacobs' boy, Evo."
"Ah hell, Scrant, you had me worried. Weren't nothin. Boys will be boys."
"Oddam, there were gunshots reported. Several people say he was here."
"Yea, I peppered his ass good. He won't be sniffin’ ‘round here no more."
"You did what? Odie, this is serious. He didn't come home last night."
"Damn. Must have scared him more than I thought. He's still runnin’."
"Odie, please tell me you didn't shoot the kid."
"Wouldn't you?"
"Odie."
"Ah, come on, Scrant. You know I would never do anything like that. I wouldn't admit