Grief: Finding the Candle of Light
Jody Neufeld
with
Janet Wilkie, LCSW
Energion Publications
P. O. Box 841
Gonzalez, FL 32560
(850) 968-1001
Grief: Finding the Candle of Light
by Jody Neufeld with Janet Wilkie, LCSW
Published by Energion Publications.
P.O. Box 841
Gonzalez, FL 32560
Website: www.energionpubs.com
Unless otherwise marked, scripture quotations are personal translations by Henry Neufeld, MA for this book.
Scripture quotations marked “paraphrased” were paraphrased by the author.
Scripture quotations marked ‘NIV’ are from the New International Version Bible. Copyright © Zondervan Corporation. 1996. Used by Permission.
Scripture quotations marked ‘CEV’ are from the Contemporary English Version Bible. Copyright © American Bible Society, 1995. Used by Permission.
Cover Design by Jason Neufeld, jasonneufelddesign.com.
Copyright © 2007 by Jody Neufeld
All rights reserved.
Neufeld, Jody 1954 –
Includes bibliographical references.
Aer.io Edition: 978-1-63199-685-6
Print ISBN: 1-893729-50-8
Dedication
To all the thousands of patients, their families,
and loved ones who have taught me so much.
They walked this path before me;
some allowing me to walk with them.
God used you to teach and prepare me
for the path I would walk and, in turn,
pass His wisdom, and yes, extravagant love
for His hurting children,
May we continue our journey toward healing,
becoming ‘new’ once again.
One person alone may be overpowered.
Two people can defend themselves.
But a rope made of three strands is not easily broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 (paraphrase)
Preface
…weeping may stay during the darkness of night, but joy comes with the light of dawn.
Psalm 30:5 (paraphrase)
As a nurse and a mother, I found that the hours between 1 and 6 a.m. can be very dark and frightening. Just before light breaks through the clouds is when a child’s fever or the amount of my tears and fears become the greatest. And a ‘day’ or ‘night’ may not always be measured in a twelve hour period. During a life-threatening illness or any other life-changing situation, joy may seem very fleeting while sadness or grief may take months or years to journey through.
I met Janet Wilkie while working as a nurse for a hospice. At first I thought it was just her ‘sweet Southern ways’ that encouraged people to open up and let go of their burdens. As she became my friend and walked with me through my divorce and my son’s illness and death, I found out that her ‘ways’ also included a deep caring and an ability to give me practical options for coping and moving forward in my journey of grief. She has been so valuable in helping me to develop this simple book that could be helpful in those first days and months following a loss. In that period the pain is so sharp and fresh that all you want to do is go to bed and pull the covers over your head. And yet, you desperately want the ability to move forward just a step, in the hope that the pain might be relieved even a little bit. The vision that God gave me for this book is that those who are experiencing grief from whatever source and those who want to help those who are grieving might find some words of wisdom and practical application within these pages.
-- Jody Neufeld
Acknowledgements
So many, many people were used by God in my life to hold up my arms much like Aaron and Hur did for Moses while Joshua and the army fought the Amalekites. (Exodus 17:10-13) May anyone whose name is not specifically mentioned, know that I thank our Lord for your presence in my life.
Two groups of women, Sisters in Christ and Sisters of the Vine, personify the best of having some ‘Aaron and Hur’ in my life. They pray day and night as God leads them, quietly and steadfastly.
Pastors who have been through their own paths of grief and yet continued to lead and love the flocks that God had given them: Perry Dalton, Bob McKibben, Charles Avery, Steve Hill, Ted Wood, and Riley Richardson.
My close friends and sisters who cried with me and allowed me to talk, and talk, and talk, and not talk: Laney Beard, Janet Wilkie, Janet Butler, Betty Portzer, Erin McClleland, Aliece Rockwell, and Karen McCLendon.
My family who traveled many of the roads also but had to take their own paths:
Henry (God surely brought you into my life in His perfect time)
Janet (how tender is your heart and your faith has endured the refiner’s fire, dear daughter)
John (you taught me the most about going on in the midst of terrible pain)
Chris and Megan (the husband and wife of my children who have become the children of my heart with their special gifts and talents)
Alex, Anna, Jaxon, Jamie, and AJ (my ‘grand’ joys! You guarantee a smile in any situation!)
RC and Karen and my nieces (you have always been there – miles could not separate us)
Mom Neufeld (my special gift from God)
James (you are gone from my physical sight but still live in my heart. See ya’!)
Introduction
As I write these words it has been just ten years since the beginning of a ‘season’ in my life that truly brought me to my knees. My father died. I went through divorce after nearly 20 years of marriage. My youngest son, James (then 12 years old), was diagnosed with cancer. My mother died. Hurricane Ivan blew through my home town of Pensacola, Florida causing us to flee our mobile home. James died less than a week later.
“How do you go on?” became a frequent question and was no longer a point of curriculum that I taught as a teacher in the Church and as an RN educator.
Grief is a journey. While this is no surprise to anyone seeking answers by picking up this book, I pray that readers may discover what I am discovering: I go on because I have Hope in a tangible, intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. This book is brought together by Christians who have been through the fire of adversity and because Jesus, God-in-the-flesh, is big enough to take on every question and emotion that I have thrown at Him. He has held me through nights and days of tears. He has stood there and looked me square in the eye when I have hurled my anger and “WHY?!!” in His face. He has even watched me turn away in despair. I know He watched because He was looking with arms outstretched when