He wiped his palms down the side of his trousers. He dropped his eyes and slowly raised them again. ‘I truly am sorry, Merryn.’ He gave her a small smile and held her gaze. ‘I’ll come and see you when I get back. And...’ he hesitated, ‘well, good luck in your new job. Now you’re here I hope it works out for you. I’ve asked Alastair Mackenzie at Karu to give you a call whilst I’m away. He also thinks you’re just Prue’s friend.’ He appealed to her with his eyes. ‘Please don’t tell him anything different. He’ll take you to dinner at the Mess ... or the movies...or whatever you’d like.’
Merryn breathed in sharply. She reached up and grabbed a flower off the frangipani tree, crushing it into little pieces. After a moment, she watched the pieces flutter to the street below as though they were tiny snowflakes dropping on the parched earth. She lifted her face and looked him in the eye. ‘Gosh, Jake! You’ve certainly got yourself in a twist here, haven’t you? Why couldn’t I just have been an old girlfriend?’
He paused and shuffled his feet, staring down to the street as if mesmerized by the chards of frangipani. Then he shifted his gaze to Merryn. ‘I thought of that. But it seemed easier this way. We’re bound to come across each other, and well, I still want to see you...as a friend. I didn’t think Amanda would understand. Or her parents. You know...carrying on with her when I was already engaged. Besides,’ he paused, clearing his throat, ‘you know what it’s like. Once you start a lie, you’re sort of caught, aren’t you?’ He flicked a finger at a mosquito on his arm. ‘In any case, I thought you’d prefer it this way. It may be awkward otherwise.’
‘Did you think I’d prefer it, Jake? Or are you scared you’ll be kicked out of the army if the truth comes out? They do that you know. Remember Simon? Look what happened to him.’ A pause. ‘In any case perhaps you could have asked me, Jake. What I’d have preferred, seeing as having been engaged to you wasn’t one of the options? Would you like to be an old girlfriend, Merryn? Or would you prefer to be an old family friend? My sister’s friend?’
‘I’m sorry. It’s just that...’
Merryn cut him off. ‘It’s okay, Jake,’ she snapped. ‘Forget it, but thanks all the same, I don’t need any Alastairs. I’ll be fine. After all, I’ve been looking after myself back home for the last three months. And when you were in Vietnam.’ She paused and gave a tight smile. ‘But what if Alastair inadvertently finds out who I really am? What if I have too much to drink and forget and tell him? A bit of a risk, isn’t it, Jake?’
He looked at her long and hard. ‘I trust you, Mer.....’
‘No, you don’t, Jake. Why else would you threaten to tell Mum and Amy about the baby?’ Merryn’s voice cut the air, sharp and shrill. Jake looked around to see if she’d caught anyone’s attention. Thankfully the wind had come up, rustling the overhanging trees and cushioning the sound.
He moved towards her. ‘Merry...’
‘I’ve already said...don’t call me Merry. Just don’t, okay... if there’s anything I feel less like at this moment of my life, it’s merry...thanks to you.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Jake said with a sad sort of smile, ‘but make sure you’re careful. Moresby’s a rough world out there. The crime’s getting worse. And Alastair’s nice. You may even like him. He’s Scottish, and a lot of fun.’
Merryn started laughing, and then cut it off. ‘Just great, Jake. Trying to match me up already. Maybe we could have a double wedding.’
Abruptly, she swung around and strode away, face set hard as stone. At the door to the stairs, she paused, but didn’t turn back, instead took hold of the handle.
‘You bastard,’ she said. But whether she said this aloud or to the millions of voices inside her head she could not be sure. Leaving the door ajar, she went up the stairs to her room.
Jake watched her go, and then stood up and went to the bar to get another drink.
Back in her room, Merryn grabbed her towel and robe and headed along the veranda to the bathroom. Although it wasn’t long since she’d had a bath, she was desperately hot and worked up, with a splitting headache. Maybe a cool shower would calm her down.
Greater than her anger with Jake was anger at herself. Jake was right; she shouldn’t have come. Yet she could hardly go home now and give up her dream of getting her commercial pilot’s licence, let Barty Harmon at BOPAIR down, and tell her mother she was right.
No, she would just have to brave it out. Get on with it and stay clear of Jake, hopefully not too hard to do if he was away on patrol or at Karu Barracks and she in town. In a tiny compartment of her mind, she had held on to the faint hope that once he saw her he would realise what he had done. What he was giving up, missing out on, that the memories of their years together would bring him to his senses. But now that seemed like a hopeless, pathetic dream.
It felt like a long, long time since she’d drawn a proper breath when she stepped into the shower and let the water thrash against her face. She was annoyed with herself for getting so upset. She had always prided herself on being in control. Back at Musellbrook, she became school captain, voted in by her peers. At first she thought it might have been because they felt sorry for her when her father had died. But then her friend Betsy had told her it was because the rest of the school felt she was a natural leader, always in control, but still able to muck around and have fun with the other kids. What if Betsy had just been party to that outburst?
The ache in her head eased a little, but not much. How can you go from loving someone to hating them in such a short time? Easy. And a bit of hatred never hurt anyone. Or did it? Anyway was it really hatred she felt? Or was it just an awful gut-wrenching emptiness? Again, she wondered why she shouldn’t tell everyone who she really was. Surely it would come out anyway at some point in time. For a few moments, she mulled this over, but in the end decided to go along with Jake’s charade. If she blew his cover, it would only antagonise him and destroy any remote chance of getting him back. But the way she felt now, there was no way in the world she wanted him back. Not that it was probable she could. For apart from anything else, what about the new baby? He was unlikely to leave Amanda in the lurch, even if he’d done much the same to Merryn. Not only would there be Amanda to contend with, but there’d also be her parents, particularly the colonel. Either way, Jake’s career would surely be in tatters.
But in the end, after standing under the shower for a full five minutes, she decided to see how things panned out. Go along with him for now. She always had a hankering to be an actress. Maybe this could be her chance. It would be interesting to see how Jake handled it all. No doubt he’d be watching her every move if their paths crossed, as they surely would. Terrified she might blow it. And if she did, would he tell her mother and Amy? Or was that just an idle threat? Yet in the right circumstances, all of us are capable of the most awful things. In the right circumstances, all of us are capable of the most awful thoughts, too. Would it not have been better for Merryn if Jake had been killed in the war? Could she have accepted that more? At least she wouldn’t have to see him with another woman. Watch that woman have his child. Perhaps a crocodile could devour him on the army exercise he was going on, leaving Amanda stranded at the altar, holding the bundle so to speak. God, how I hate that woman, she thought bitterly. And I haven’t even met her.
Turning the shower off, she walked from the cubicle. The steam had made a mist on the mirror. When she wiped away a patch of dampness, she could vaguely make out her face— eyes sunken, red rims, dark circles, hair wet seaweed. ‘It’s like watching the sun playing on a field of golden corn,’ she remembered Jake saying, as he took her hair in his hands and caressed her face. A face of angular features, nose slightly too long. ‘A noble nose,’ he said. She had always been reasonably happy with her face. Compelling is how she had been described once. Not beautiful—just compelling. Her sister Amy was beautiful. She looked at her rejected body. Legs tight and muscled from days on the netball court. Coupling the fullness of her breasts in her hands, she pinched her nipples, now rosy after the shower.
From the rack on the wall, she took down her robe and covered her naked